Oh no, not again...

I want to do it again. I thought I was over it. Well, stupid thought. I guess 2 days was more than enough. Why should I have felt happy and easy for longer? Sure... So it's all there again. I'm bothered and angry, annoyed at people and at life. When they dare to talk to me I want to yell at them. I want my brother to go. Now. I feel worthless, excluded, useless, dispensable. I'm not unique to anybody, or special. I'm just someone. Or rather... nobody. I feel nothing and yet there is pain. I'm tired of it all again. I might just do it. Or not. I want to cause pain, in myself or somebody else. What matters it after all.

I've decided that I will not continue several pieces that I have started to write. They are useless as well. And I'm glad that I didn't do certain things I had planned to for today. What a fool I am...

I hate feeling like this. I'll never be special. How strange that is... life... just a fleeting taste of something I don't understand. I can't control my feelings and this tortures me too. They shall all go away. Everyone of them. It's over... I'm done. I hate people, I hate human relations, I hate it how they make me feel worthless and dispensable. I just wanted to be special... that's all I wanted...

It's too late for that.

(no subject)

I'm no longer myself. I'm standing outside, watching someone I never wanted to be. How did that happen...

Life sucks...

I'm hot, bothered and depressed... life sucks. Big time. I just wanted to draw for a bit, but it won't work. Fuck. All I want is a half-decent picture of Jyou, but do you think it's possible to get such a thing in the whole world wide net??? The best I found was so tiny that it was an insult for the eyes. Ah, fuck it all.

I was feeling self-destructive yesterday. Still do. I tucked myself into bed for an hour, shaking and shivering, my fingers itching to do something. Just... something. The feeling of uselessness won't go away. What to do now? Close friends are starting to make me feel dispensable. It's like a sponge that sucks up everything that ever was beautiful in my life. I'll have to start avoiding my friends now, if this doesn't stop. I can't deal with this anymore...

Nobody understands...

...this terrible feeling. So dark and tormenting. When it comes up your throat, like vomit, bitter and corrosive, in dark gushes, all over your body. It's a sickness that won't wane. You feel okay for a moment and then something makes you sick again and it comes all up again and you puke your soul out on the floor and it mingles with your tears and blood and people turn away from you, disgusted and disappointed, because they can't bear the sight. And you end up in a puddle of your own pain and it slowly dissolves your skin, your flesh, but not your heart. That stays and hurts and beats in your chest, so loud that you can't hear your own thoughts and you want to cry out in pain, but something is pressing down on your throat and pushes you back into the thick, sticky slime and you're sinking down... slowly... no longer a part of yourself... but not dead either....

(no subject)

Cover your face
When the acid pours down on you
It's the only one you've got
How will you keep on pretending
When you can't paint a smile on it any longer?