silversolitaire | Entries tagged with writing

There's one thing that's very weird about me. Well, more than one thing, but I'm thinking about one in particular right now. It's the fact that I get extremely, hugely excited over things, looking forward for them for days, weeks, months, and then when it's finally there I savor it and soak it up and am totally happy... and then it just goes poof. I hate that very much. The height from which I plummet every fucking time something is nice. Just once I wish I could ride on the high just a little bit longer.

Naturally, I was hugely excited about Torchwood. I mean, I've been waiting for this moment for an entire year, basically. And I was full of hope and dreams, I had confidence in it being awesome. I didn't fear they'd sink my ship. I didn't fear canon would start sucking. I was just looking forward to it. Then the episode aired yesterday and I couldn't watch it right away of course since I'd made the deal to watch it with Kris. I agonized all night over it, hardly getting any sleep.

Then finally, in the evening, I got to watch it. And it was awesome! It was... let's say a 8 out of 10, at least. It probably would have been a 9 if we had gotten some Jack/Ianto snogging right away and a 10 if they had dealt with Jack's return properly and a bit more emotionally other than Gwen bitching him out. But it was fine, really! I was squeey and happy and excited... and then it just evaporated :(.

Now I'm sitting here, feeling empty. This sucks. I should be all happy, shouldn't I. The series isn't even over yet. Still tons of eps to look forward to. And yet... blankness. Also, I find myself get annoyed with everyone in a way. See, I'm a tolerant shipper. Or no, I'm not, but it's something TW has taught me, really. You can ship anyone, they're all possible in a way, and no ship is worth more than the other. I've learnt to tolerate that. Other ships are no threat for mine and it's nice to see them coexist.

However, I notice this annoying tendency of TW ships putting down other ships. I guess it's because Jack/Ianto is relatively popular it gets the brunt of that, but it annoys me. People going to great lengths to explain why Ianto is so horrible and why he should never have remained on the team, how Jack can't possibly care for Ianto and it's obviously just sex, if at all, since it's not really all that clear blablabla. Heard all the shit. And now? Now they're all putting down the "ask for date" scene of course.

Clearly, since the scene was followed that Jack/Gwen scene it must be that Jack is only rebounding! Right? Grrrrr! It annoys the hell out of me. I'm willing to accept that the scene was very J/G shippy and I don't mind. I never want TW to become the Jack/Ianto Loveboat where they live happily ever after. I'd probably lose interest in no time since I hardly ever ship the canon m/m couples for some weird reason. So I'm cool with it. You can interpret it any way you like.

Even though I will admit that I thought it was a bit OOC for Jack to suddenly throw a hissyfit at Gwen's engagement ring. I mean, in series 1 we've always been shown how Jack thought it was important that Gwen remains in her relationship with Rhys, have a life outside of TW etc. So why would he suddenly mind? And what the fuck was that with "Cause no one else will have me"?? Gwen isn't that bad a catch! So, I do have my qualms with it... BUT! I accept that Jack cares deeply for Gwen. No problems there!

So why oh why do people need to spin this in such a direction? Can't we just coexist happily next to each other please? *sighs* So yeah, that frustrated me. Annoyed me. Did anyone say "Oh yeah, clearly Jack was so shaken during the ring scene because he'd just seen Ianto earlier and remembered how it was to be separated from him!" or stuff like that? No! Very annoying.

Okay, but that's just a detail. An annoying one, but still. One thing that comes with age is the tranquility to just step way from fandom crap like that (although I do feel the need to choke a couple of bitches on the JB-ML occasionally).

Another thing that pissed me off were people discussing on another ML whether one should read fics by non-native speakers. The way they were talking about it made it sound like those people write poorly per default. Funny, the most atrocious fics I've read were written by native speakers, but wha'ever. Annoying people.

Okay, I think I've just ranted myself empty. Now only the pain remains in just about every limb I own. And there's really nothing I can do since I shouldn't overdo it on the medication. So, I just need to suck it, I suppose. Blah.

I'm also feeling extremely guilty for not having all of Collateral all perfectly ready by now. I really tried, but the illness in between just really didn't help and now I feel like a traitor and a loser, making everyone hate me and lose all faith in WIPs forever. I know I'm dramatizing here, but I can't help it. And at the same time, I'm trying so hard and yet I just can't manage that amazing leap of sudden story finishing, you know? Very frustrating. I just hope people won't be too upset with me. I'm really trying.

Of course it didn't help either that I was watching TW and basically went D:!!!! the entire time since one by one things I've put into my fic popped up there. I mean of course I was there first and this is exactly why I made it a point to post before it airs because I know myself. Right now, I'm feeling utterly demoralized and uncreative. Like I can't come up with a single creative idea of my own apparently. I'm spending months agonizing over plot ideas and twists and then it becomes canon within 45 mins. So frustrating...

Oh, the pain...

Ending on a completely different note... today at the kiosk the person restocking the shelves had sorted all the candy by rainbow. That made my heart laugh a little bit...

Current Mood: sore

As seen in

turntap2's LJ:

When you see this, post a little weensy excerpt from as many random works-in-progress as you can find lying around. Who knows? Maybe inspiration will burst forth and do something, um, inspiration-y.

( Untitled Galaxy Quest fic )

( Untitled Film-Noir-ish attempt )

( House fic 1 )

( House fic 2 )

( House fic 3 )

( Sorta jossed NCIS fic )

( Very old song novelization )

( Smallville fic wtf? )

( Torchwood fic 1 )

( Torchwood fic 2 )

( Gabriel Knight, AKA nostalgic trip down memory lane )

( The Star Wars fic that never was )

( The Phantom Phic )

Man... so many WIPs. I really do suck, don't I?

Current Mood: surprised

I think by now everyone's agreed that the episode pretty much sucked. I don't even feel the urge to rewatch it because it was just a messy load of copycat themes borrowed from all over the place. And I can't help but feel embarrassed au lieu John Barrowman for banging the drum so much beforehand, saying a gasp will go through Britain at the final revelation and it will be so shocking and OMG! I think that gasp probably rather was one of "... WTF?!?"

( spoilers, I guess )

Current Mood: confused

I'm conducting a little poll to see what people's posting preference is in regards to long fics and WIPs.

[Poll #999406]

Current Mood: curious

Is there anyone on my flist who's willing to beta a Torchwood piece for me? It's Jack / Ianto, pretty smutty, around 25k words long.

I kinda prefer asking people I know for beta. That way I know how to take your comments, as opposed to random strangers who'd respond to a request in a community... I'm still tweaking around on it, but it should be finished pretty soon. I mostly need another pair of eyes to read through, check for stupidly obvious mistakes where my fingers typed something different than what my brain was thinking >.>; or other slips of the finger.

If that fails I'm gonna ask around elsewhere...

Current Mood: hopeful

That survey just came around on the holmes-slash Yahoo-group and I figured I give it a go. I don't really participate on the list so I didn't bother to post there, but I figured it'd be nice for any fandom! So, here goes! :D

What are you working on now?
Two fics. "Re-Possession", a House/Wilson fic I started in January but then abandoned briefly when the urge to write a Torchwood fic became to great and was stifling my writing speed. So

Kris "allowed" me to put in a Jack/Ianto fic in between... hehe. So I'm actually working on "When in Rome" now which is close to completion. After that I'll probably pick up "Re-Possession" again, even though I already got bunnied for another Jack/Ianto fic LOL.

"Re-Possession" is about House and Wilson ending up in a haunted house together. In "When in Rome" Ianto gets sucked into a portal and ends up at a strange planet where he's to be sold as a slave unless Jack bails him out. Lame, I know, but it's really not as bad as it sounds! The idea was actually a little ironic because Kris and I were chatting and I said that's the beauty of Torchwood, that you can pull out all those Star Trek and Star Wars clichés again and so we were wondering what could be the silliest alien cliché fic I could write. And here goes. Haha...

What do you think is your greatest strength as a writer? Weakness?
Hmmm... I think I have an inherent talent for writing. It's a bit hard to describe, but I just have a natural feeling for narrative, how to set up a scene, how to make it work out. I can't really explain it, but most of the time I'm surprised by my own writing and I have no idea how I did that. I think I'm especially good at writing lively descriptions of settings (even though I hardly ever do that in fics) and writing good in-character dialogues. I can be rather witty at times.

Conversely, I tend to write too much sometimes. I think I often get lost in details and just describe too much. I admire people who manage to be concise and to the point. I also don't think I'm very artsy which I regret. I'm more of an entertainment writer, the kind who churns out the paperback novels that people buy for a dime, read and forget. I wish it wasn't so... but what can I do. Oh, and I'm way too lazy. I usually have to force myself to write.

Where do you get your inspiration? (music, Canon, etc)
All over the place. Sometimes it's a song, a scene I've witnessed, a random idea that came to my head. Rarely, it's canon actually! I'm not the type to write tie-ins and episode fics and stuff. Most ideas lately stem from chats with Kris, wondering about the characters, their motivations, what they'd do in certain situations... And that's how ideas are born. And then they usually turn into Behemoths of 40 pages D:.

What's your favorite of all the things you've written?
Man, I hate that question. That's like asking which one of my babies is my favorite. You could say I might have stories that are less favorite than others, but in general I really like them all or else I wouldn't have written them. I always feel that the short ones I've written ended up a little poorer, but I don't know. I'm still rather proud of "My Favorite Year" because I think the language is beautiful and I just love that last line. "Altruism" is always a runner-up because it's something I've never done before and I loved that. But all in all... I love them all.

What do you do when you have writer's block?
Despair? LOL

LOL, seriously, I hate it when that happens and I have no remedy for it. I can just wait till it passes. Sometimes chatting with people helps. Usually it's Kris. We then talk the scene over and I hope that inspiration springs from it. But thing it, usually I get blocked for the weirdest reasons. Even when I know exactly what I'm going to write. Then I just can't bring myself to start writing and I just stare at the blank page for hours. Or I start dicking around online, procrastinating, watching vids on YouTube, play Solitaire... stuff like that. Terrible, terrible thing to happen.

What do you love most about writing [insert pairing here]?
Hmm... Let's see. With House/Wilson it's the dynamics of their relationship. I like it that they're friends and peers. They're equals. They both have issues and they know each other well enough to deal with them. I like each of them individually as a character, too, so that makes it all the easier to combine. I like it how they seem so very much married, even on the show. I like the familiarity about them. Things like that. Kinda hard to describe, really. I like the battle of wits I can have between them, the way they tease each other and then support each other again next time. I also like the issues between them that seem to compliment each other. Like... House being emotionally reserved, bitter, grumpy... Wilson on the other hand being caring, outgoing, friendly... needy of neediness. So yeah. Not a very good answer, but the best I can come up with right now.

With Jack/Ianto it's... hmmm... I guess a deep attraction to both characters. There are a lot of things I like about Jack as a character. Like I said to Kris last night, "He has a big heart and an even bigger bed". Hehehe... So I just like writing him. And Ianto I like too. And they have enough chemistry between each other to make fics work. I guess I can't really come up with a better answer right now. I still need to get used to the pairing in general.

Do you have "fear of posting"? How long does it take you to publicly post your writing once it's complete?
No, I don't. At all. To me this is the ultimate goal I'm driven towards. I know it's a really lame thing to say, but it's true. I mean, I'm obviously writing fanfiction to share. Otherwise I probably wouldn't bother. So yeah, as soon as my fic is done I can't wait to post it. It's also good to give me this sense of closure or else I'll continue to dick around with it till Kingdom Come.

How do you feel about feedback?
I love it. I need it. I want it. I mean of course we all say we're not writing for the feedback, but for ourselves yadda-yadda-yadda, but IMO that's only partly true. We may not write for feedback, but we certainly post it. So, when I post a fic I kinda want to get some feedback at least to see that my time and effort wasn't wasted. I don't think that's too much asked. It's like... "careware". When you read a fic you like, let the author know so he or she feels got about it. Also, I like knowing what people have enjoyed about a particular fic. It gives me an idea of what works, what doesn't. And I especially like it when it's things I've took special care in.

I realize this makes me sound really self-absorbed and all... but it's true.

Current Mood: complacent

Since I've seen a lot of people post this and I kinda hate the idea of doing one of those Year Review things for my life because this always depresses me, I've decided to do the writing one. It's kinda fun actually! :-P I wasn't going to do it at first because I thought I hadn't actually accomplished anything. I'm not exactly a prolific writer and I don't churn out one story after the other, and frankly I'm in awe at people who write like a fic a week. But now that I've completed the survey I guess I'm not so lame after all! :D

One year in stories

Total fic count: 8 fics = 102,331 words

Fuck 2D (4,722) Only fic I've written in the Gorillaz fandom before it totally put me off.
Perfect Stranger (4,662) unfinished NCIS fic which I abandoned because canon came dangerously close to my idea and I got disheartened...
My Favorite Year (14,433) first story I've written in the House fandom and a med school AU already... geeze.
The Way We Were (10.217) unfinished sequel to My Favorite Year, on hiatus as I am uncertain whether I should really be doing this.
Desk Duty (3,201) short and silly smut tie-in for "Cane and Able". Hardly noteworthy and the reason why I shouldn't be writing short... hah.
Altruism (26,787) written in record time (two weeks), touching unusual subjects. First time I've written such gore.
Days of Grace (32,423) first prompt I've written for the

hw_fest, featuring pairings I never thought I'd find myself writing!
Differential Detention (5,886) second prompt, also short and silly. I'm just not good at this sort of thing... heh.

Best of the batch: Uhm... uh.... uhm... that's like asking me to pick which one of by children I like the most! I guess I'm torn between "My Favorite Year" and "Altruism". I'm still impressed with the language of "My Favorite Year" and I can't believe I've written that. With "Altruism" I'm mighty proud of the idea in general and I know I've been the first one to write such a weird and whacky cross-over in the fandom, so that makes me feel special. Also, it's the one I put the most work in, research-wise. It felt like a real accomplishment.
Most underappreciated by the universe: Uuuuh... I actually never really felt underappreciated in the fandoms I've written in this year. House is an amazing fandom with friendly, responsive fans. So, I was always very pleased with the response I got. If I venture off into my entire arsenal of fics, I probably would need to say "I See Your Faces in the Strangest Places". I know that fic isn't the best I've ever written, it's probably not even that good in the first place, but it meant something to me then. I don't know if I'd still write something like that today, but it was special then. But Velvet Goldmine has always been a small fandom, so I guess it's natural that fics just breeze by. I did get some feedback for it though. The only fic that hasn't gotten any feedback is that deplorable M:I-2 fic I've written years ago and which I've hid away from the world for good reason, haha.
Most fun to write: Most definitely "Altruism". Even though it was incredibly draining to write it was also the most gratifying experience I have had in a long time. It was the first time I've written with a "writing coach", so to speak.

Kris had started taking an interest in House and she was really excited about my idea. It was wonderful to write, knowing someone was there who was interested in it, asked about it every day, gave incredibly helpful suggestions and just helped me stay on focus all the time (something which I often can't). It was simply amazing. I mean, I've tried partner writing before, but that had never really worked out. Probably because I am, deep inside, kinda self-absorded about my writing and I need to feel like I am the artist here. Horrible thought, I know... Either way, this was just wonderful and I guess that was also what helped me to finally develop a writing habit which allows me to actually write a healthy amount every day. It's actually giving me hopes for the future that I could actually be a real writer one day.
Sexiest fic: Heh... no clue. "Days of Grace" maybe? I liked the vague sex scenes in the flashbacks and the Chase bits were pretty hot, too. I'd like to think all of my sex scenes are sexy! :-P
Smuttiest fic: "Fuck 2D" was pretty pointless and smutty, yeah. I don't mind calling that one smutty. Usually I dislike that term since it seems to lack a certain depth. Even the one smut fic I wrote in the House fandom, "Desk Duty", still had an emotional component to it that I find important.
Fluffiest fic: ... I don't think there is one. I don't really write fluff, do I?? Of all the fics I've written this year, I suppose "Differential Detention" is the fluffiest, but I wouldn't actually call it fluffy... no.
Most angsty: "Altruism" again, of course. Seriously, it's one big tour de force.
Most canon: Hm, dunno... I pride myself of trying to stick to canon and be in character as much as possible. I suppose, sad as it sounds, "Desk Duty" probably was the most canon, as tie-ins tend to be. All the others had one or two aspects about it that made them rather removed from canon. "My Favorite Year" being AU all over, "Altruism" forcing Wilson into OOCness a bit (for plot reasons), "Day of Grace" also being a little AU-ish... yeah.
Least canon: "My Favorite Year", most likely. I mean, of course House and Wilson never went to med school together and I had to strain canon facts a lot to make it half-plausible. But it didn't really hurt the story, did it?
"Holy crap, that's wrong even for you" fic: Hahaha... probably "Altruism" again! I mean, writing gory scenes about sawing off your own limbs... yeah, that was pretty insane.
Fic that shifted your own perceptions of the characters: Hmmm... that'll be "Days of Grace" I suppose. I never really thought I'd write about Chase and I didn't know how he'd turn out when I started writing it, but in the end I was pleased with the results and I've warmed up to Chase a bit. Just a little bit though! :-P
Hardest fic to do: "Altruism", probably. The amount of research I had to do for it was insane. It probably took up 50% of the creative process. But it really paid off. It was also very straining to write, emotionally, but I loved that. The posting process of a part a day was also extremely gruelling and I'm not sure if I ever want to do something like that again.
Biggest disappointment: "Perfect Strangers" I guess, because I really thought the idea was great and then canon made my awesomely creative idea just a mere rehash of what already had happened on the show. Maybe I'll pick it up again later, who knows. I mean, in the end canon wasn't quite like my idea, not even remotely, but I was still peeved and disappointed.
Biggest surprise: "Days of Grace", hands down. I didn't really want to write it. I didn't even know why the fuck I claimed it since I've always been upset with the whole Grace idea and I didn't like her as a character at all. But I had committed to something, so I had to do it. My first idea was kinda lame, too, but with the help of

Kris and a lot of brainstorming sessions we came up with a kick-ass idea. As I was writing it, I still didn't think it was that great, but I went along. I even put in House/Chase because I had promised it to Kris. It just seemed weird all over. And then it was done and I published it and suddenly everybody loved it. That was very weird.

Current Mood: impressed

I'm currently working on my next entry for the

hw_fest and I haaaaaaaaate it. I mean, I didn't really like Days of Grace either, but in the end I warmed to it. Right now, I'm not liking this one. I guess I'm just not cut out for fluffy, funny, short stuff. I always feel like I'm doing a half-assed job. But what can I do. I just hope I can whip it into shape anyhow.

Speaking of the

hw_fest, what's going on with that anyway?? I mean, there hardly aren't any posts right now. It also upsets me that all my prompts haven't been done yet (even though they were claimed) and I get the feeling people are just going to not write it. I've never participated in such a thing so I really wonder what the usual return rate is. Either the fest is going to get swamped near the end or a lot of people just never write the prompts they claimed.

Personally, I feel a moral obligation towards completing my prompts (even though I seriously think I was on drugs or something when I claimed those!). I know someone out there is looking forward to them (hopefully) and I don't want to disappoint. One I simply have to finish because it was a very popular prompt and if I don't do it I would have taken someone else's spot who probably would have written it gladly. So, not good. The other no one else has claimed and I aim to deliver. So, my hands are tied!

However, since I realize I suck when I try to write a fic in one week I don't think I'll manage in time. So, I need to see how I can manage that. I have finally conceived a plot for the ghost fic (thanks to

Kris), but I get the feeling it's going to take longer x.x. We'll see. I don't have high hopes for finishing this before the end of the fest. Especially since it's winter holiday now and that means bro is back from college (and sick), so he's camping out in the living room, always watching TV and basically stealing my main writing time. Very annoying.

I'm still flirting with the idea of writing a Torchwood fic, but I don't think I will. I don't have the characters down yet, really, and I don't know the fandom yet. I'm not a very social person and new places make me nervous. Not to mention the fact that my bestest writing buddy Kris isn't interested in Torchwood and it's such a bleak and lonely place without her! hehehe

I think I've established my writing speed. I guess I can write between 1000 and 2000 words a day, depending on my mood. I guess it could be faster but I really have never written more than maaaaybe 3000 words a day and that was a very rare occasion. I envy people who just churn out the stories like nothing. I wonder how they do it. It's not just the speed with which they write, I guess. I tend to sit on my stories for a long time usually before publishing them. If I think of all the unpublished onces sitting on my hard drive I could weep... wah. This is probably why fests are a good thing. Forces you to release the stuff already! hehehe...

Current Mood: okay

The

hw_fest is now open for business and true to my usual habit I scrape past the deadline and miss it by a hair's breadth. Meaning, the story is finished, but still unbetaed. Oh, and it's lousy, long and boring. Oh well. No time to revise now, I guess. Gotta sleep on it some and then start looking for a beta... *sighs* And then erm... write the other two stories I need until Dec. 31st o_______o. *panics a bit*

Current Mood: blank

I never really said anything because technically I wasn't participating. Why? Because Nanowrimo never works for me. Don't get me wrong, this isn't the bitterness of a person speaking who's always tried and failed. Every time I've seriously tried to win it I "won". I'm putting this in quotes because I may have managed to write the required 50k words, but it's never actually made me feel like a winner. Moreso, I felt drained and empty and as of today I've not reread any of the Nanowrimo novels I've penned in the past, simply because I loathed the very sight of them.

I think the problem I have with Nano is that I don't think it stands for what the writing process should be like. Sure, it may work beautifully for many people, but for me it never did. Stories are over when they're over. Yet Nano forces you to go on and on just so you fill the 50k quota, so you end up ruining what you wrote eventually, because you keep going on with senseless drivel. You don't have time to really enjoy the creative process, to savor each word. I'm sure some people need that, this being driven towards the end just so they produce, but for me it's pure horror. I rather have someone eagerly waiting for what I've written than the big red wordcount hanging over my head.

What I do like about Nano though is this sense of togetherness. The sense of "We're all going through the same thing at the same time". That was always very nice and I've missed it this year. But at the same time it diminishes the personal experience IMO. That's like shoving all expecting mothers in one room together and have them give birth at the exact same time. For your personally it's an amazing and possibly lifechanging experience, but you just get flushed away by the flood of people who're doing the same thing. And does your novel and do YOU really deserve that?

So... I'm always very torn about it and I've told myself after the last Nano that I'm never going to waste an idea like that again. However, since I'm a sucker and hate being left out I signed up for Nano this year anyhow without actually having the intention of participating. I told myself I'm just gonna let it flow, write in my own time and see how far I get without the pressure and with being fully behind every word I write. And lo and behold, it works. Granted, not like the makers intended, but still.

When I wrote Altruism last month I penned 35k words in roughly two weeks. It just... woah! Flowed! I still know exactly the daily segments I wrote since I sent them to

kribban hot off the press, so to speak. So I used those segments to update my wordcount accordingly. On that I tagged my newest story which I've written in a similar pace as Altruism. In other words, I can easily write 2k words a day when I don't get rushed and feel like I HAVE to fill my word quota. Sometimes you end up writing 1k a day, sometimes 3. It always works out somehow.

Even without Nano I know now that I can be a writer. I can write over 60k words in less than two months with the breaks in between that I need, without the pressure of just needing to fill the pages. And I'm happy about that. I may not have won Nano the way it was intended to, but I completed the task like everyone else, albeit spread out two weeks into October and two weeks into November. I'm fine with that.

Congratulations to everyone else.

Current Mood: okay

You know... sometimes I wish I didn't need to deal with feedback. It's weird. Part of me wants the feedback, loves it even, but the other part... it's just ruining me. Every time I get high praises for stories I get this existential fear of never being able to be as good again. It never fails. And I feel that the tiniest form of criticism is always completely valid and makes me want to throw everything around. Never mind the fact that I've been carefully considering everything I've written for weeks sometimes. When someone raises the slightest bit of doubt I jump at it.

And I fear that people will be disappointed with my other stuff. Like when they tell me they'll be keeping an eye out for my work in the future. Usually that should make me feel proud and happy, but instead it makes me want to hide in a hole and never publish again because I think "Oh they'll just be put off by the sex I put into the story... they'll expect a mystery but it's just romance..." etc. It's very scary.

At the same time, I can't just ignore feedback. That'd be so rude. I treasure every one of them. I know how easy it is to just read a story and move on. It means a lot to me when someone took the time to click "comment" and do so, share their thoughts with me. I'm desperately interested even in how they perceived it, if it worked what I had in mind. So, it's in imperative to say thank you, to me. So the only way to not react to feedback would be to not allow it at all. But do I reeally want that?

I don't know if that makes me odd or eccentric or full of myself... I'm just so torn. It's like I just don't want to see the feedback while I'm still actively writing, because then it will influence my work and most likely jeopardize it. But on the other hand, feedback is so inspiring and gives you a good boost for future writing. If your emotions are feeling right, that is... which they often aren't. Usually they're not... no. So... what to do. I really don't know. It's like wanting the crack and hating yourself for it.

Writing... probably is the worst self-destructive habit I have ever indulged in. It... makes me so incredibly happy. It fills my life with meaning. And yet it puts me through the worst unthinkable agony. I'll never understand how something can make me feel so happy and yet to terrible at the same time. Sometimes I just want to push it all away, never write again. But... I always return. I just can't not write. But whenever I do I just feel insignificant and insufficient. Like my words don't mean anything. There were times when my mind was racing constantly. When I was filling pages after pages with my thoughts as I had gotten inspired randomly. Those days are long gone. I sometimes wish them back... desperately.

It scares me how I have all these ideas and I store them in my head in great detail, every single bit, and I really never forget them. And yet... I'm unable to let them out. I fear the day that I will die and all my stories will die along with them because this damnable inability to put them down on paper will have prevented me from just expressing myself.

Anyway, back to my original point. I just wish I knew how to solve this. Never publish again while I'm actively writing, but then risking losing interest midway by lack of pressure? Or continue to expose myself to the sweet torment? I really don't know...

Current Mood: gloomy

Okay, the "plagiaree" got back to me. This is ridiculous. If you're interested, read the whole correspondence! *growls*

( read about the sorry business here )