silversolitaire

To all you dieting folks out there!

Dear Carbs,

I miss you so much. It's only been a week but I just can't get you out of my mind. Fruits and vegetables are boring. Who wants to eat a parsnip? Nobody. Mashed potatoes, biscuits, lasagne (sp?)! Mmmm. Oh man, I've got to stop thinking about you. I'll go crazy!!! I promise I'll be back after my high school reunion.

Yours,
Bob

P.S.: I love you!

Dear Fruits,

It's killing me that I have to eat five servings of you every day. Pears are so gross. Stupid guys who made that food pyramid. I bet they think they're so smart. I'd like to shove a pear up their butts. Now I know why there's Starburst and Jew Jew Bees (sp?). It's because you're not good enough the way you are. I wish Frankenberry cereal was considered a fruit. Then at least I'd have a puzzle or a maze to complete while I ate you.

Whatever,
Bob

Dear Vegetables,

Now I know why braindead people are named after you and not rocks. At least rocks don't taste like DESPAIR. You know why broccoli is shaped like a cartoon fart? Because it smells like something that came out of Andy Capp's ass. Yeah, take a look at yourself, you poor excuse of a nourishment. Look at an onion. It makes you cry. And then you have to put something else into your mouth so your wife won't run away screaming! Stupid! Wheat grass? Feet grass! FUCK YOU!!!!

Bob

From here. Although the rest isn't really that funny. I just felt like quoting this bit because I can totally relate. Well, I do like vegetables, and onions too, but broccoli is gross and sometimes veggies really do taste a bit like despair... *g*

Current Mood: amused

Today while I was dicking around instead of reading texts for my thesis, my eyes brushed past this book I managed to obtain several years back, written by the mayor of Munich. He's a very witty and funny man and he's also an avid cat owner and wrote quite a few humorous stories on the subject. I found this one particularly amusing, so I've translated it for your enjoyment!

I'm not that good with official politician talk, so if you notice anything that could be improved, lemme know!

Cats in the Bed

by Christian Ude
translated by

silversolitaire

When I was encouraged to seriously consider a career in politics, I timidly asked myself whether I'd be assertive enough to be up to the task. After all, day after day I wake up doubting my own assertiveness as it is the same thing every morning: the cats are lounging at the foot of my bed once again despite the fact that I've strictly forbidden them to do so.

How was I supposed to assert myself against powerful political adversaries, the perils of administration and the opposition amongst my own people when I'm not even able to manage it with my own cats?

I found comfort in observing my future colleagues: it isn't really that important to actually achieve anything, you just have to find impressive words for failing to do so!

Ever since, the cats at the foot of my bed aren't a problem anymore. As a local politician, I simply announce:

"I have issued a strict order to ban all cats from entering the bed and lounging at the foot of it on pain of civil penalties. The resolution position couldn't be any better. Unfortunately we're facing minor completion deficits which aren't likely to be resolved any time soon considering the current staff situation."

As a politician involved in energy policy I can even score big time with cats in the bed:

"Our course is clear: cats out of the bed. We want an exit of cats, without ifs and buts – but not right away! We need a short-, intermediate- and long-term exit strategy. For the short term, the cats will remain in the bed, for the intermediate term, we're not really sure yet, but for the long term, we'll switch to guinea pigs."

Famous politicians have taught me how your entire party can benefit from cats in the bed:

"My cats and I, we have managed to converge through patience and perseverance to prove ourselves as good neighbors internally as well as to the outside. We have reached a feasible and neighborly arrangement regarding the usage of the foot of the bed, and I rush to add: that we have opposing interpretations in regards to this arrangement is exactly what makes our democracy such a great and vivid process!"

Lastly, I have learnt a thing or two from our government about how you can cover up your own neglects in coping with problems, especially regarding the placement of unpleasant guests and how you can turn it into a constitutional debate:

"Well, look at that! How cat-degrading the housing arrangement for these two is and how much of a hassle they are for us as well! It can't go on like this! Ladies and gentlemen, THE BED IS FULL! Obviously we must consider a new amendment!"

Current Mood: accomplished

Found this this weekend and in the light of my Master's thesis this seems rather relevant. And oh so true! XD

What academics really mean:

It has long been known (I haven't bothered to look up the reference)

A trend is evident (These data are practically worthless)

Typical results are shown (this is the prettiest graph)

In my experience (once)

In case after case (twice)

In a series of cases (thrice)

It is believed that (I think)

It is generally believed that (a couple of others think so too)

It is not unreasonable to assume (If you believe this, you'll believe anything)

Correct within an order of magnitude (wrong)

According to statistical analysis (it is rumored)

Of great theoretical importance (I find it kind of interesting)

Of great practical importance (I can get some mileage out of it)

Typical results are shown (The best results are shown)

Three of the samples were chosen for this study (the other samples didn't make any sense)

It has not been possible to provide definitive answers (The experiment was negative, but at least I can publish the data somewhere)

It might be argued that... (I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it)

I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful discussions on the interpretation of the data. (X did the experiment and Y explained it to me.)

It is significant (I'm not sure how, but you can probably figure it out)

Mainstream scholars believe (I'm ignoring everyone I disagree with)

To put this statement in context (Let me spend five pages detailing my irrelevant historical research)

Beyond the scope of this essay/study (I don't feel like talking about it)

Only tangentially relevant (I'm thoroughly sick of talking about it)

New research has shown (Everyone else is wrong)

Current Mood: amused

Somehow this picture cracks me up beyond reason. No clue why, but I giggle like a child when I look at it.

Current Mood: amused

This is something I'd love to have for the lid of my laptop! :D

This is just too cool for words! The real Kwik-E-Mart! I'm just ridiculously excited looking at all this and I wish I could stroll through the aisles... Buzz Cola and Krusty O's! How cool is that???

In a slightly similar vein, The Simpsons go WoW! Well, technically, it's not WoW but it just all rings so true! *g* Tom and I have decided that this must be a fantastic MMORPG since apparently there are no noobs in this game! Even people like Burns know how to do the basic things and are fairly civil about it!

And last, but not least... Have you ever wondering about the dancing in WoW? Well, wonder no more! This neat little clip shows most of the available dance styles and compares them to their real life example. I knew most of them, but I had no idea that the male blood elves do the Napoleon Dynamite dance! And wtf are those Bollywood people? Hahaha... hilarious!

Current Mood: amused

Guys, you gotta help me out here... I'm creating this new character. And right now my biggest damper is that I have no clue how to describe him! You see, I want him to have a beard. Now, when I say "He wore a brown beard" or "His manly jaws were covered by a brown beard" or whatever, people are going to think this:

NOT what I'm going for, obviously. Rather, what I have in mind is something more like this:

*rawr*

So, how do I describe this in a way that people will understand me?!? I'm completely stumped. Ideas would be most welcome.

To reiterate...


YES!	NO!

bueno!	malo!
oui!	non!
kawaii!	itai!

Okay, I'll stop now.

Ideas anyone?

Current Mood: curious

But I was just messing around with Photoshop when I checked my f-list in between and I saw someone using this well-known image of Bush holding a crying baby as an icon and randomly thought... what if I just switched the heads? This probably has been done before, but the result made me laugh, so I'm sharing it with you.

Current Mood: silly

I've first seen this imagine in the

randompictures community and thought it was some stupid manip, so I didn't really give it much further thought. Also, the moron who posted it first had disallowed comments which kinda makes me ignore a post per default since that just seems annoyingly spammy.

Anyway, now I've actually found some decent information about this and it just makes me laugh! Hahaha. Check this out. Turns out the guys from that show just ran some quick Google image search and didn't really check what they were putting on the air... hahhaha.

And as a bonus, check out the comment thread below on that page. That's even funnier than the whole issue. "Then it is settled. Mark sucks." Hahaha...

Current Mood: amused

Someone posted this to

randompictures and I can't stop laughing about it!

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refridgerator

Current Mood: amused

George Takei wins at life, internet and everything else.

Current Mood: amused

Something I found on YouTube today and that I found rather amusing, but also a startingly accurate portrayal and assessment of modern day culture and politics.

The Word: Nazis

I don't know if you've seen the President's latest approval ratings. I'm happy to report that they're at 37%. That is two percents down from the same poll a week earlier. This is great news. Why? The answer is tonight's Word: Nazis.

Last week marked the 70th anniversary of the famous 1936 German referendum where, weeks after invading the Rhineland, Adolf Hitler received a staggering 99% approval rating. 99% thought he was on the right track (1% thought he was a great painter). And today there is one thing that everyone, Democrat or Republican, Left or Right agrees about: There is no one worse than Hitler (not even Hitler). And, with his approval ratings as a new low, President Bush is just proving, once and for all, that he's the president least like Hitler (the Unfuhrer).

Let's compare Bush to another president, not on the approval scale, but on the Hitler Scale (more accurate than the Mussolini Meter). Now, with an approval rating of 99% on the Hitler Scale, Hitler himself scores one full Hitler. John F. Kennedy had an approval rating of 63%. Pretty good, for a Nazi. He scores 2/3 of a Hitler. But in these recent polls, President Bush barely scores 1/3 of a Hitler! You don't get any more less Hitler than that (great slogan for mid-term elections). And, folks, it takes courage to be this little like Hitler. It takes a real leader to continue policies that the vast majority of Americans clearly want to stop.

So, the President's gonna keep going his job: invading countries preemptively, maintaining secret programs to monitor citizens and ignoring any attempt Congress may make to curtail his executive powers. And America, you've gotta keep doing your job: disapproving of what the president does. Not only will this prove he's not Hitler, it'll prove we're not Nazis.

And that's the Word.

From "The Colbert Report" from April 6th 2006

Current Mood: silly

This was posted somewhere on LJ some time ago but I can't remember for the love of God who posted it originally... I remembered it randomly and was looking for it desperately, but I couldn't find it. Lucky for me, I had sent it in an email to dad some time ago and still had it saved! Yay! So, for my own safe-keeping... Note, I did not write this. If you know who did, please tell me.

Scientific observation process ...
Consists of three steps: Theory, Observation, Conclusion.

Theory:
My Sentient Sigfile Generator occasionally claims there is no snooze bar on a cat who wants breakfast.

Observation:
0530: Alarm clock rings.

0530: I hit snooze bar on clock. Subject 1 (male spousal unit) grumbles, mutters, thrashes feet a bit and proceeds to drop back into slumber.

0532: Subject 2 (female calico cat) approaches observation area, entering through a narrow corridor of space between Subject 1 and observer.

0533: After approximately 30 seconds of contemplation, Subject 2 attempts to convince Subject 1 that It Is Time For Breakfast. Primary persuasive tactic appears to consist primarily of the same phrase, ie: "MEOW" repeated in a similar tone and volume, at regular short intervals.

0535: After two minutes of this, Subject 1's hand appears from under the blanket and clops Subject 2 on the head in the manner of a man who is attempting to silence an alarm clock by way of the "snooze bar". Subject 2 reacts immediately with a loud "MEOW" expressed in a tone of extreme outrage and indignation, and sinks her teeth into Subject 1's hand. Subject 2 then retreats to a distance out of reach of Subject 1's hand, and continues applying vocal persuasion techniques.

Conclusion:
Observed evidence supports the theory that there is no snooze bar on a cat who wants her breakfast.

Current Mood: amused

Top Ten Canon Controversies

10. How many wives did the good doctor have? [yes who knows, who knows...]
9. Was there a third Holmes brother?
8. Did Holmes love Irene Adler? [Maybe?]
7. After reading about snakes that hear, drink, and climb, baboons that look like writhing children, a murderous cyanea capillata (otherwise known as a jellyfish), a lurcher that waddles, a cannibalistic "coal-black hound, but not such a hound as mortal eyes have ever seen," a giant rat of Sumatra, and a species of worm that is unknown to science, we're supposed to believe this detective agency "stands flat-footed upon the ground"? (SUSS) [nyahahahah!]
6. What is a "bull-pup" (STUD)? [XD, yes I always wondered!]
5. Just what kind of "experience" was it that Watson had with women "over many nations and three separate
continents" (SIGN)? [hopefully none that left him with a STD... XD]
4. Did Moriarty exist? [-.-;]
3. What were Holmes's ethical standards?
2. How smart was Watson? [smart!]
1. For Gosh sake, where was Watson's wound? [hahaha yes where? Chest? Thigh? Arm? Groin???]

Top Ten Most Suggestive Phrases in the Canon:

1. "Mrs. Hudson has been knocked up." (SPEC)
2. "I went to it on my knees." (EMPT)
3. "A sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up." (TWIS) [XD!]
4. "In the bathroom....I have just been there, and I have taken it out." (TWIS)
5. "He seemed to take a fancy to me from the first....one thing led to another." (WIST)
6. "It's lucky for you....or you would find yourself in Queer Street." (SECO) [*spews*]
7. "Still, I confess that I miss my rubber. It is the first Saturday night for seven-and-twenty years that I have not had my rubber." (REDH) [yes, we mustn't forget the rubber...]
8. "I remember nothing until I found myself lying on my bed trembling all over. Then I thought of you, Mr. Holmes." (COPP) [no comment]
9. "I heard a little sigh of satisfaction as he cuddled the butt into his shoulder, and saw that amazing target..." (EMPT) [XD!!!!]
10. "A week later I found myself in Florence." (EMPT) [I've read more suggestive lines than that -.-]

I thought this was funny too:

"There's no better exercise in humility than being constantly berated about your intelligence, writing, and observational skills by a man whom most chronologists agree is two years younger than you and has no college degree."

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Ultravox - Hymm

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If General Motors had kept up with the technology computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If G.M had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?", before deploying.

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Current Mood: amused

Taken from this book:

Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT

MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE

TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY

U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW

CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become unwittingly suggestive:

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM

Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN

FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

Occasionally, a deformed headline takes on a meaning that is exactly the opposite of the one intended:

AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY; LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION

CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN: POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELINGS OF ISOLATION

Current Mood: amused

http://www.assotron.com/arse-or-elbow/

Can YOU tell the difference?

(Got 10 right)

Current Mood: silly

Sabby just sent me this funny joke:

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "Price check on lane thirteen, Tampax, supersize."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Current Mood: amused

12 out of 16! Not bad!

Can you spot the Shemale?

Current Mood: amused

LIVE NUDE CATS!

Interracial! Barely legal!

BWAHHAHAHAH!

Current Mood: giggly

Yatta: http://www.verylowsodium.com/fanimutation/exuberance.php
Trazan: http://www.btinternet.com/~david.st/b3ta
Hatten: http://user.tninet.se/~prv247p/hatt/hatten.swf

Hm... there was this other one with the falling guy who was lying smashed into the ground in the end... what was that again? Another oddball Japanese song... Can't remember.

Current Mood: amused

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silversolitaire

My Writer's Journal

February 2009

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Entries tagged with teh funneh

Love Letters (excerpt)

Cats in the Bed

What academics really mean

Knut attacks!

I've got a couple of cool links for you guys!

Calling on other writers!

Photoshop + me x bored = this.

Krispy Kreme! So good you'll suck dick!

Hahahaha!!!

Public Service Announcement:

Stephen Colbert on Nazis

there is no snooze bar on a cat who wants her breakfast

I found a bunch of amusing Sherlock Holmes Top 10 lists

nabbed from pistorius

Funny newspaper headlines

Nabbed from controversial

Funny joke

I'm good!

cracks up

note to self: