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Sep. 30th, 2000
(no subject)
Sep. 30th, 2000 01:11 amDid I ever mention my depressions? No? Because this would be a good moment to talk about it. I'm feeling very anxious right now and angry. But also sad. I have this uncontrollable urge to cause damage... pain... I can't think of anything else. The brilliantly red trickle running over my skin. The sweet sting of the metal on my body... ah... I'm having a hard time fighting this. I had to promise so many people not to do it anymore. And I'm trying, I really do. All I'm left with is watching Big Brother and sipping on my beer. And I'm sobering... not good.
(no subject)
Sep. 30th, 2000 12:32 pmAnother morning, another day. Morning? Oh well... I know it's 12:30, but hey, I went to bed at 4:30 AM. I'm not sleeping excessively long, I've just shifted my time schedule ^_~.
Needless to say, I'm feeling better now. I always do after a fit of depression. Then I want to delete everything I wrote the night, but I told myself not to do it. That wouldn't be genuine anymore.
After a bout of depression I'm always feeling so full of energy. As if a knot was dissolving and the juices can float freely at last. That's what happened yesterday, too. At the peak of despair, all came back into place again. I received nice feedback for my story and two of my best friends logged in on ICQ and we had a nice conversation. I was asked to write a scene for a book we are planning together and I actually sat down to write it right after I disconnected and I think it turned out really good. So, I guess one could say, it was a fruitful night.
Unfortunately I have so much real life stuff to do ´_`:... I don't want to. I don't want to write my paper and I don't want to study for my Japanese exam. *sad sigh* I want to live like this forever, write and paint and just be happy. But that's exactly the crux of the matter. I will never go on just being happy. Not me. No matter how wonderful and peachy things are, the black cat will jump at my back again and it will press me down, cold and heavy. And I'll feel desperate and sad. I cannot force my muse. I never could and I never will. These are the occasions that show me that I have to be able to do something else, should Thalia leave for good....
Ah, that was on a sadder note. But no, my mood is far too brilliant right now to let this spoil it. I know I have to do something RL-ish later on, but I'll try not to think about it. And I'll continue in my search for inspiration, so I can remain happy.
Needless to say, I'm feeling better now. I always do after a fit of depression. Then I want to delete everything I wrote the night, but I told myself not to do it. That wouldn't be genuine anymore.
After a bout of depression I'm always feeling so full of energy. As if a knot was dissolving and the juices can float freely at last. That's what happened yesterday, too. At the peak of despair, all came back into place again. I received nice feedback for my story and two of my best friends logged in on ICQ and we had a nice conversation. I was asked to write a scene for a book we are planning together and I actually sat down to write it right after I disconnected and I think it turned out really good. So, I guess one could say, it was a fruitful night.
Unfortunately I have so much real life stuff to do ´_`:... I don't want to. I don't want to write my paper and I don't want to study for my Japanese exam. *sad sigh* I want to live like this forever, write and paint and just be happy. But that's exactly the crux of the matter. I will never go on just being happy. Not me. No matter how wonderful and peachy things are, the black cat will jump at my back again and it will press me down, cold and heavy. And I'll feel desperate and sad. I cannot force my muse. I never could and I never will. These are the occasions that show me that I have to be able to do something else, should Thalia leave for good....
Ah, that was on a sadder note. But no, my mood is far too brilliant right now to let this spoil it. I know I have to do something RL-ish later on, but I'll try not to think about it. And I'll continue in my search for inspiration, so I can remain happy.
(no subject)
Sep. 30th, 2000 12:49 pmAh, excellent! My books were delivered! I've finally ordered the Last Herald series by Mercedes Lackey. I was told it's really good. I hope it is.
You know what's really ridiculous though? Book One will take around 2 weeks of delivery, Book Two and Three were delivered today! LOL! Thank God I have something else to read right now or else I'd be pissed royally ^_~.
You know what's really ridiculous though? Book One will take around 2 weeks of delivery, Book Two and Three were delivered today! LOL! Thank God I have something else to read right now or else I'd be pissed royally ^_~.
(no subject)
Sep. 30th, 2000 09:49 pmBack! Cleaned up in my flat. Now it should be okay for me moving back in again. Good! I brought the new china, too. It's marvelous. PRIDE! colors! *_* Now I'll be able to invite six of my friends and have them all dine on plates of different colors. I've been wanting to do that ever since I saw this tableware in a catalogue more than 5 years ago. Maybe I'll invite them to a Halloween feast. To make up for my birthday which wasn't celebrated at all...
(no subject)
Sep. 30th, 2000 10:24 pmI need to write. I want to. Desperately. Unfortunately I'm also very interested in Big Brother. Dammit! I told myself not to grow addicted to the second season, but it happened!
Okay, I know it's all long gone already, but I came home too late. When I sat down in front of the TV, one of the two candidates had left the container already. I was gnawing my nails not to check it online at once, but rather decided to watch the tape. Now it's already 30 mins. ago that either Christian or Marion left the house and I have no clue! ARGH! But I want the suspense! *_*
Ah, what the heck, let's get a bit of Big Brother musings!
Who will have left by now? I wonder... I really hated Christian at first, because he was homophobe and blunt. But now I like him so much better, because he's honest for a change. Better than those gossiping gits you usually get. So, he can stay! Who else do I like?
Walter. He's very handsome. But he knows, so... I don't know.
Jörg, you gotta love Jörg, he's a brother, so I love him ^_~. And he's sexy. When he wears his black shirt and sways his hips it's easy to believe why men fall for him. No wonder he and Harry are second rank of the container's dream couple! LOL
Harry is a bear. If I didn't know any better (he's married), I'd say he's a perfect bear even. No wonder Jörg goes for him...
Frank, he's the perfect son-in-law. Not my type, but handsome. Too much businessman for my liking. I liked the way he danced though.
Karim... no particular feelings about him.
Ebru... oh Ebru, you beautiful creature. I love her hair and her eyes. She's just so cute. But too innocent for my taste.
Hanka, she's beautiful alright. I can't help but stare at her. When she danced I was almost drooling... Her movements, so lithe and smooth. But I don't like her personality.
Don't even get me started about Stefanie! ARRGHHH!!!! When I think about her I want to strangle someone!
Alida, I love her name. And she's the mixture of butch and cute I go for. But I don't think she's... available ^_~.
Daniela... no feelings here as well. She's a dolly. Not for me.
Marion. I want her to go. She's boring. She has a hot body, but it all seems to forced.
Now, if you want to see who I'm talking about, go here: www.bigbrother.de!
Okay, end of rambling! Good for you! :-P
Okay, I know it's all long gone already, but I came home too late. When I sat down in front of the TV, one of the two candidates had left the container already. I was gnawing my nails not to check it online at once, but rather decided to watch the tape. Now it's already 30 mins. ago that either Christian or Marion left the house and I have no clue! ARGH! But I want the suspense! *_*
Ah, what the heck, let's get a bit of Big Brother musings!
Who will have left by now? I wonder... I really hated Christian at first, because he was homophobe and blunt. But now I like him so much better, because he's honest for a change. Better than those gossiping gits you usually get. So, he can stay! Who else do I like?
Walter. He's very handsome. But he knows, so... I don't know.
Jörg, you gotta love Jörg, he's a brother, so I love him ^_~. And he's sexy. When he wears his black shirt and sways his hips it's easy to believe why men fall for him. No wonder he and Harry are second rank of the container's dream couple! LOL
Harry is a bear. If I didn't know any better (he's married), I'd say he's a perfect bear even. No wonder Jörg goes for him...
Frank, he's the perfect son-in-law. Not my type, but handsome. Too much businessman for my liking. I liked the way he danced though.
Karim... no particular feelings about him.
Ebru... oh Ebru, you beautiful creature. I love her hair and her eyes. She's just so cute. But too innocent for my taste.
Hanka, she's beautiful alright. I can't help but stare at her. When she danced I was almost drooling... Her movements, so lithe and smooth. But I don't like her personality.
Don't even get me started about Stefanie! ARRGHHH!!!! When I think about her I want to strangle someone!
Alida, I love her name. And she's the mixture of butch and cute I go for. But I don't think she's... available ^_~.
Daniela... no feelings here as well. She's a dolly. Not for me.
Marion. I want her to go. She's boring. She has a hot body, but it all seems to forced.
Now, if you want to see who I'm talking about, go here: www.bigbrother.de!
Okay, end of rambling! Good for you! :-P
(no subject)
Sep. 30th, 2000 10:39 pmAHA! It's official! Marion has to leave! Goody! *_*
Please, don't think I didn't like her. But I explained myself before.
That was touching... Jörg was so sad when Marion was announced. He seemed to be genuinely shaken. Of course he doesn't like Christian. Then again, he's too sweet to really dislike someone. What did he say? "I just don't get his jokes."
Christian took her into his arms later on and carried her outside and he whispered into her ear: "I'm gonna kick all these bitches out for you!"
So. Silver is content. Now Silver can go write.
Please, don't think I didn't like her. But I explained myself before.
That was touching... Jörg was so sad when Marion was announced. He seemed to be genuinely shaken. Of course he doesn't like Christian. Then again, he's too sweet to really dislike someone. What did he say? "I just don't get his jokes."
Christian took her into his arms later on and carried her outside and he whispered into her ear: "I'm gonna kick all these bitches out for you!"
So. Silver is content. Now Silver can go write.
(no subject)
Sep. 30th, 2000 11:18 pmHow stupid can you get?? Against my better judgement I wanted to rescue a spider out of the tub. Mind you, I fear spiders like nothing else. I wanted to help it out with a washcloth, but it refused to leave! Rolled itself up in a tiny ball and vanished! Sheesh! I'm not going to help such a wretched creature again! Pah! Well... okay, I know I will, but still. Stuuuuupid!
