I'm scared...

Of tomorrow... of ... everything. I can't stand the idea of so many people again, close to me. Loneliness, nothing to do. Emptiness... it scares me so much... So many people I miss... and who don't even know I do... know that I'm bleeding inside...

It's so painful to see that 90% of what I do is useless in the end... Senseless. Useless and unneccessary...

I am not allowed to keep my privacy. It scares me too. If that's what it means to be in a relationship, then I don't want to. I'd rather be by myself... even if it kills me. My thoughts and my freedom to choose what to do with them is all I have...

I am not pleased

From beginning to the end this day has been fucked up and terrible. I just want to disappear right now. My connection sucks, my house it fucking cold because the heating system broke down and the guy who's supposed to fix it isn't coming, I don't have one single class to look forward to this term, they're all boring, I'm out of inspiritation, I almost missed registration because there was a traffic jam, come home just to find that I forgot my student ID and recharger for my laptop, so I had to make a deal with my bro to meet me in the middle which in the end cost me 2 hours.... it just all sucks. I hate it. I want to be home again. I no longer like what I'm doing. Don't think I ever did to begin with. I just feel quite useless... maybe I am. Guess I have to face it. I'm tired. I wish I could sleep, but I'm too cold to sleep. And I'm hungry, but also sick. It's absurd isn't it?

Whatever.

*cries*

I'm so lonely... and bored... and cold... And I can't even stay online and wait for people because I have to pay per minute now... This is just depressing...

I'm cold....

This stupid hot air fan is giving me a headache! This is terrible... nobody talks to me and I'm feeling so vulnerable right now. I don't want to mail my girlfriend. Somehow I just don't know what to tell her right now. I'm just empty.

At least I realized a few things today, one of which is that I won't budge on this issue. If this means the end of our relationship, so be it. I'm tired of it. If I ever hear about it again, I will end it myself.

Gonna curl up on the sofa now and pretend I'm not noticing how my toes got numb...

Despite the completely terrible day...

I did something very surprising today! I actually called up two friends and made a date! It's insane. I happened to be near my friend's house and I was feeling kinda lonely, so I called her up if I could come over! I was so nervous! For some stupid reason I expected her to tell me to bug off! But she didn't... and it was actually nice... Then, I messaged another friend to make a date at a later day. We used to meet a lot, way back then...

But still... no Alex...

I hate friends who are absent...

Suddenly, I'm sad...

I don't know why I mourn...

I feel like friends very close to me have died. I'm thinking about my characters, how they used to be in my head and how they suddenly don't speak anymore. As if they had died. I don't see them anymore. They don't move, or talk.... Dead... all of them. Valentine, Dante... Gone. Even the Demons... Satanas, Belial... erased from my head. Draco, too... Leonid. I'm an empty shell. What happened? Whatever happened??? I can't stand this feeling. I want them back... I want my Valentine...