(no subject)

I just want to die...

(no subject)

life sucks... gods.. rammed a fork into my hand. it hurts like hell. my girlfriend was almost breaking up with me on icq. maybe even did... and the messages didn't go through. nothing i could do.... torture.

now... stuck here... alone. darkness.... noone... nowhere....

maybe i broke a bone...

(no subject)

I wish I had enough strength for anything. but I don't. i wish I wouldn't need people. i wish they wouldn't have the power to hurt me. i wish I could just be by myself and be happy. but i can't. I hate myself, i want to die.... i don't know what I want i wish i could be happy by myself, love myself enough to be alone with myself. then I'd never have to feel so hurt again.

I hate everyone right now... for abandoning me... for making me feel so worthless. how can I be so worthless that someone is willing to hurt me so much over something that's so... insignificant. I just don't understand it. right now I feel like I'm worth less than a piece of paper. why do I bother? i don't know...

need to get drunk... or else I can't sleep. maybe I should try the codeine overdose after all... my drug of choice,. ne? whatever,,,,

*groans*

I've got such a headache and I'm feeling generally sick. Plus my hand hurts like hell...

bleh...

Need to work on my class schedule now... Feeling not so good. ugh...

Debts...

Just paid my Dad back. About $300... gah... been owing him the money for months now. I feel so poor now. My balance went down to $20. *sniffs*

But, payday's in two days. So, no need to despair... I hope... heh...

stupid classes...

Great... by tomorrow I probably won't have an internet connection anymore. Nobody's willing to help me. Now that they've got the network here I won't be able to use my old log-in in my flat in Munich anymore. But they just don't have the time to help me set up my new one! I hate this!!! I'm just angry now...

And I don't know what to do about my class schedule. When I take the Creative Writing it means I have to drive back to my flat already Sunday evening. This sucks... then I have no time with my family at all... T_T Plus, I won't be able to chat with my girlfriend either, since she can only be on at the weekends. This fucking sucks...

Then again, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore either... so I might as well do it...

bewitched, bothered and bewildered...

I'm bored... my hand hurts... tried to draw for a bit, but I'm not feeling very inspired... I wish I could write, but even that seems to be wiped away from my brain.

Maybe I should take a bath now...

I need to back up my stuff too. Gah... This is depressing...

I can't believe how everything will change...

I will be alone again... deprived of inspiration, of company... I won't be able to be online so late, chores to do... People I'll miss... Life will center on the weekends which I will waste mindlessly...

Scary, scary thought...

Sometimes I just hate my life. Did I say "sometimes"? Bleh...

Emptiness...

Right now, I'm feeling terribly empty. Like someone had pulled the rug from under my feet and I landed on my ass, helpless. I feel like I have nothing inside of me right now. No inspiration, no story, no drawing.

I'm so scared... As of tomorrow, I'll be sitting in my flat, alone and bored... nothing to write or draw. I just have nothing inside of my right now. Wiped away. All of it. I feel like I will never be able to write again. I hope it'll pass. Right now, I can't even imagine what I could write if I was to open a new word-document. Just... nothing...

I realize I am nothing when I can't be creative. It scares me... What if I'll ever lose it? Much like I'm feeling now...

I'm so sad right now, I just want to cry.

(no subject)

For the first time, I actually want to feel detached. I want to cease to care. I wish I could just ignore what others are doing and not feel anything at all.

I don't want to give people the power to hurt me... and yet I do...