Some thoughts...
Mar. 15th, 2003 12:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silversolitaireWatching Comic Relief I got very sad... it was about bullying at school. It moved me deeply. Because I... was bullied too.
I used to be a spunky and confident child. I was always outgoing and cheeful, I talked to people, dared to do things... And then I went to highschool and everything changed. Children can be so cruel. I was fat and the kids at school hated me. They always bullied me... they followed me in the morning, threw stuff at me, shoes, pencils, stones... once they forced me to be in front of the class and they tossed chalk at me... they all laughed... and I sat there, biting the insides of my cheeks, shredding it to pieces until I tasted my own blood. And they made more fun of me for the funny faces I made while I bit myself. Tthey called up my house and left obscene messages, embarrassed me in front of my parents...
Nobody liked me, even though they didn't really know me. They never gave me a chance, didn't even bother to get to know me. They decided I was uncool so they hated me and excluded me. And since they didn't know me the only conclusion left was that my looks were so repulsive that it made everybody hate me. They're the reason why I'm so fucked up now. They destroyed my self-esteem forever.
Up till now I'm convinced that everybody thinks I'm ugly and that's why they hate me. Because they never knew anything else about me but my looks and they hated me for it. I can't help but think this, every single time I meet someone new. Even though I have changed, I have lost weight, and gained it, and lost it again... I've cut my hair, I've grown... I'm different now, they wouldn't recognize me. And I keep changing and changing, to be safe from them, but these thoughts still haunt me. That's why I never want to meet people. That's why I always hesitate to agree on meeting with people I know online. Being online is such a relief for me. I don't need to fear about this then, because people can't see me. But what if they see me then?
That is why. That is why I'm shy even though I don't show it. That is why I think I'm repulsive and don't want people to look at me. And I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm not looking for pity. This is a person whose self-esteem has been destroyed forever. Irreparably. People may tell me they think I'm beautiful. But I don't think that. And I will think it's important, even thought I always tell everybody that it's not. Because it isn't. But tell this the voices in your head that scream "THEY HATE YOU!!!! THEY'RE STARING AT YOU!!!!!" every time you go outside.
I don't think I'll ever recover.
My parents never helped me... because they said I needed to fight it out myself or they'd never respect me... but I couldn't... I was too weak.
They were right...
Or maybe not...
I don't think any child should go through this. Ever. Everybody should realize they're beautiful and wonderful and unique and that nobody has the right to tell them otherwise. I wish I could go up to every single child on this planet that suffers from what I had to go through. And I wish I could take them by the hand and say "They are wrong. You don't need their support to feel worth something. All you need is the people who really care for you." And I wish I could shelter them from all this. I wouldn't be like my parents. I'd go up to those bullies and I'd pull their pants down in front of the entire school and kick their asses. And I'd yell "See? This is how it feels!"
Because... it never goes away. Ever. I'm 24 now. I was 11. And I'm crying... still crying, still suffering. When will I ever recover? Will I ever?
And people say children need to fight it out for themselves.
No, they don't. We're not beasts. We don't need to fight for our hierarchy. All we need is respect... and the right to be who we are, without anybody judging us.
That is all.
I used to be a spunky and confident child. I was always outgoing and cheeful, I talked to people, dared to do things... And then I went to highschool and everything changed. Children can be so cruel. I was fat and the kids at school hated me. They always bullied me... they followed me in the morning, threw stuff at me, shoes, pencils, stones... once they forced me to be in front of the class and they tossed chalk at me... they all laughed... and I sat there, biting the insides of my cheeks, shredding it to pieces until I tasted my own blood. And they made more fun of me for the funny faces I made while I bit myself. Tthey called up my house and left obscene messages, embarrassed me in front of my parents...
Nobody liked me, even though they didn't really know me. They never gave me a chance, didn't even bother to get to know me. They decided I was uncool so they hated me and excluded me. And since they didn't know me the only conclusion left was that my looks were so repulsive that it made everybody hate me. They're the reason why I'm so fucked up now. They destroyed my self-esteem forever.
Up till now I'm convinced that everybody thinks I'm ugly and that's why they hate me. Because they never knew anything else about me but my looks and they hated me for it. I can't help but think this, every single time I meet someone new. Even though I have changed, I have lost weight, and gained it, and lost it again... I've cut my hair, I've grown... I'm different now, they wouldn't recognize me. And I keep changing and changing, to be safe from them, but these thoughts still haunt me. That's why I never want to meet people. That's why I always hesitate to agree on meeting with people I know online. Being online is such a relief for me. I don't need to fear about this then, because people can't see me. But what if they see me then?
That is why. That is why I'm shy even though I don't show it. That is why I think I'm repulsive and don't want people to look at me. And I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm not looking for pity. This is a person whose self-esteem has been destroyed forever. Irreparably. People may tell me they think I'm beautiful. But I don't think that. And I will think it's important, even thought I always tell everybody that it's not. Because it isn't. But tell this the voices in your head that scream "THEY HATE YOU!!!! THEY'RE STARING AT YOU!!!!!" every time you go outside.
I don't think I'll ever recover.
My parents never helped me... because they said I needed to fight it out myself or they'd never respect me... but I couldn't... I was too weak.
They were right...
Or maybe not...
I don't think any child should go through this. Ever. Everybody should realize they're beautiful and wonderful and unique and that nobody has the right to tell them otherwise. I wish I could go up to every single child on this planet that suffers from what I had to go through. And I wish I could take them by the hand and say "They are wrong. You don't need their support to feel worth something. All you need is the people who really care for you." And I wish I could shelter them from all this. I wouldn't be like my parents. I'd go up to those bullies and I'd pull their pants down in front of the entire school and kick their asses. And I'd yell "See? This is how it feels!"
Because... it never goes away. Ever. I'm 24 now. I was 11. And I'm crying... still crying, still suffering. When will I ever recover? Will I ever?
And people say children need to fight it out for themselves.
No, they don't. We're not beasts. We don't need to fight for our hierarchy. All we need is respect... and the right to be who we are, without anybody judging us.
That is all.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-03-14 03:52 pm (UTC):hugs:
I think, though, even if you say it's irreparable, that there is room for you to gain back what was taken from you. I've had self-esteem issues since I was a little girl, and while they weren't as extreme as this, I still have days when I don't want to leave my room. Sometimes something as simple as wearing my favorite shirt can make such a difference, and then I remember that I'm okay just as I am, and I can go on that way.
For what it's worth, you are a lovely, lovely person who should never doubt herself. I think you have amazing strength and resilience, and you're never afraid to speak your mind. And that's what I love about you.