Some thoughts...

[silversolitaire]

Watching Comic Relief I got very sad... it was about bullying at school. It moved me deeply. Because I... was bullied too.

I used to be a spunky and confident child. I was always outgoing and cheeful, I talked to people, dared to do things... And then I went to highschool and everything changed. Children can be so cruel. I was fat and the kids at school hated me. They always bullied me... they followed me in the morning, threw stuff at me, shoes, pencils, stones... once they forced me to be in front of the class and they tossed chalk at me... they all laughed... and I sat there, biting the insides of my cheeks, shredding it to pieces until I tasted my own blood. And they made more fun of me for the funny faces I made while I bit myself. Tthey called up my house and left obscene messages, embarrassed me in front of my parents...

Nobody liked me, even though they didn't really know me. They never gave me a chance, didn't even bother to get to know me. They decided I was uncool so they hated me and excluded me. And since they didn't know me the only conclusion left was that my looks were so repulsive that it made everybody hate me. They're the reason why I'm so fucked up now. They destroyed my self-esteem forever.

Up till now I'm convinced that everybody thinks I'm ugly and that's why they hate me. Because they never knew anything else about me but my looks and they hated me for it. I can't help but think this, every single time I meet someone new. Even though I have changed, I have lost weight, and gained it, and lost it again... I've cut my hair, I've grown... I'm different now, they wouldn't recognize me. And I keep changing and changing, to be safe from them, but these thoughts still haunt me. That's why I never want to meet people. That's why I always hesitate to agree on meeting with people I know online. Being online is such a relief for me. I don't need to fear about this then, because people can't see me. But what if they see me then?

That is why. That is why I'm shy even though I don't show it. That is why I think I'm repulsive and don't want people to look at me. And I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm not looking for pity. This is a person whose self-esteem has been destroyed forever. Irreparably. People may tell me they think I'm beautiful. But I don't think that. And I will think it's important, even thought I always tell everybody that it's not. Because it isn't. But tell this the voices in your head that scream "THEY HATE YOU!!!! THEY'RE STARING AT YOU!!!!!" every time you go outside.

I don't think I'll ever recover.

My parents never helped me... because they said I needed to fight it out myself or they'd never respect me... but I couldn't... I was too weak.

They were right...

Or maybe not...

I don't think any child should go through this. Ever. Everybody should realize they're beautiful and wonderful and unique and that nobody has the right to tell them otherwise. I wish I could go up to every single child on this planet that suffers from what I had to go through. And I wish I could take them by the hand and say "They are wrong. You don't need their support to feel worth something. All you need is the people who really care for you." And I wish I could shelter them from all this. I wouldn't be like my parents. I'd go up to those bullies and I'd pull their pants down in front of the entire school and kick their asses. And I'd yell "See? This is how it feels!"

Because... it never goes away. Ever. I'm 24 now. I was 11. And I'm crying... still crying, still suffering. When will I ever recover? Will I ever?

And people say children need to fight it out for themselves.

No, they don't. We're not beasts. We don't need to fight for our hierarchy. All we need is respect... and the right to be who we are, without anybody judging us.

That is all.

Comments

[dinahrae.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this. I am sad that you had to make those experiences, but on the other hand I am glad to find out that I am not the only one who feels this way. That I am not the only one who has troubles finding friends and going out because all her life I've been told that she is worth nothing - just because of the way I look.

And sometimes I can look into the mirror and I see that I am pretty even though I am fat, that having big hips and wearing size 50 doesn't automatically make me ugly - but I can't quite believe it, because public opinion say it isn't so.

I've developed what my Mum calls the "Please kick me" walk - hunched shoulders, hands tightened into fists, eyes directed to the ground, so that no one can look at me, so that no one might have a reason to tell me how horrible I am.

I've been getting better - but it's a slow process and I am not sure whether I'll ever be able to meet people normally and to be not anti-social.

[tomkayito.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly* You are beautiful, and wonderful, and none of that matters. You're right, no one should ever go through it...

[nortylak.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I don't know why kids can be so mean sometimes. Maybe it's to do with self esteem; they try and make other people feel worse so that they feel better about themselves.

:hugs:

I think, though, even if you say it's irreparable, that there is room for you to gain back what was taken from you. I've had self-esteem issues since I was a little girl, and while they weren't as extreme as this, I still have days when I don't want to leave my room. Sometimes something as simple as wearing my favorite shirt can make such a difference, and then I remember that I'm okay just as I am, and I can go on that way.

For what it's worth, you are a lovely, lovely person who should never doubt herself. I think you have amazing strength and resilience, and you're never afraid to speak your mind. And that's what I love about you.

[greyraven.livejournal.com]

We're not beasts. We don't need to fight for our hierarchy. All we need is respect... and the right to be who we are, without anybody judging us.

Damn straight.

"Black cloud, black cloud, black cloud..." I used to mutter that to myself, over and over. It was my way of calling up my Don't-Fuck-With-Me attitude, ghosting my "war" face. I figured that if nobody was willing to deal with me on-the-level, as a human being with equal rights among my peers, then I didn't want to deal with anybody. My friends and I, misfits all, weren't the kind of people who bucked the system or participated in random acts of violence... we just wanted to be accepted for who we are, but popular opinion judged us, and found us lacking. Why did this happen to us? Why does this happen to thousands of kids every day? I'm 33 now, and I still don't know-- if I did, I'd be driving cross-country doing seminars. There's only one consolation -- I'm still me; they taunted me, degraded me, and occasionally kicked my ass, but they couldn't change me. And now, having seen what sorry excuses for human beings some of these people have become, a question arose: who was more sure of themselves then, and now? Which of us really were self-aware?

Ah, I'm ranting. I think I'll stop here. Thanks for sharing.

Do what you must to protect your psyche, no matter how much it may "appear" like running and hiding. Just don't do it from yourself.

[self-proclaimed.livejournal.com]

In the beginning of this year, I started high school. Well, at a real school, because I was in tenth grade last year, but it was at a charter and well. Too long of a story, but.

There were three or four girls who would stand by my locker constantly. And they would stare at me and I'd have to hurry up to get my books because otherwise they'd push me away, and. One day, I was getting into my mom's car after school, and one of the girls stared straight at me, put her fingers over her mouth + made the lovely little gesture that tends to be taken as "dirty fucking lesbian." >_____< It was a constant thing, I was always being made fun of. I had to take my rainbow flag off of my backpack.

And, just.

I can relate, sort of. >.

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

You know? I wish I had had gay pride then. Because I would have been so much stronger. Hell, I wish I had had the internet then! I would have known I'm not a freak. I would have known those people are just sad fuckers for not knowing what really counts.

*hugs* You're lucky, you know. You can go online and share your experience with others and you KNOW you're right. You KNOW those people suck and are assholes. I didn't then. It's still bad, but it's only a matter of avoising those fucktards. You know deep inside that you're doing everything right. Never forget that.

[jackluminous.livejournal.com]

God, this brought back memories...I went through a very similar experience in grade school. I was also told that I had to "get through it on my own", even that I brought it on myself. I was told it would help me deal with harsh situations later in life. Well, okay. Now I have a fear of crowds and social paranoia. That really helps me deal.

I still get horribly angry when I see these sort of situations happening, and adults dismissing it as a normal part of growing up. It's not, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm sorry you had to go through it. *hugs*

reply part uno

[glenraven.livejournal.com]

((hugs))

ok this is long and i can't reduce it enough (i know, i've tried) so i'm just gonna do this in two posts that will hopefully come out consecutlively.

i know exactly how you feel. And while i was not teased in high school, i did bear the brunt of the cruelty of kids in grammar and middle high. I also know what its like to be the fat kid, and even worse, the smart bookworm that had the dorky glasses. I went through all of grammar and middle high without even one true friend. I had 2 so-called friends at diff points, but in the end people made them scorn me becuase of the way i looked, making them see how monstrous i must be just becuase i was overweight, i actually cared about my grades, and wore glasses. I wasn't in the cool crowd, hell i wasn't even in the nerdy crowd. I was a crowd all by myself.

I think what your parents did was wrong and i think your so strong to have survived it all, even in the face of not having the support of your own family. I don't really know about my own since we aren't an emotional fmaily and i kept everything to myself. I'd bottle everything up and save it until everyone was asleep and then sneak off to be alone and cry and ask god why. I never let my parents know what was going on save one time. My second grade teacher, in the middle of class, got upset and called me a big fat selfish pig that never let anyone else answer the questions on the board. It was the first and only time i ever did something... I got up, put on my coat, and walked to my grandparents house, which took a lot since I coulda gotten expelled. When my parents found out they immediately got the woman fired. i wish today i could find her and make her pay. yes i'm still hurting from it, it happened at a crucial time and i forever pay for it. I stopped being active in class, i stopped talking to others, became extremely shy, wouldn't face teachers or other people. She completely destroyed my confidence in just that one moment and phrase, even now as i am a jun. in college i suffer in class participation and stuff because i can't bring myself to open up and allow another teacher to humiliate me like that again, or even to ask them for help.

I really feel for you in high school, although i was blessed there. I firmly believe that bringing guys into the picture for that time in life is what changes it all. I went to an all girl catholic high school. There were no boys to impress, all we had was each other. It was here that teachers finally did me some good. I left for high school in eigth grade and i've never regretted it or looked back. It was totally freeing and i think i just lucked out. freshman year is where i met my true friends and i couldn't have gotten through life without them. They kept me sane and going and showed me that not everyone out there is ugly on the inside, not everyone is fake and trying to conform to be what they aren't. I was finally accepted, i was the teacher's pet for everyone, and i could actively pursue scholarship without being ostracized. i was never in the 'in' crowd but then again i never wanted to be. we were the nerds, the geeks, the drama freaks, the goths, and the people to come to when you needed help in a subject. and after high school was over i later found out how much i was respected even by those i never even allowed to be a blip on my radar because i knew they were way out of my league.

reply part dos...

[glenraven.livejournal.com]

I know i'm a one in a million with the luck i had in high school, but being in college has put those old fears and insecurities back into me. I'm still the shy person cowering in the corner in class, but i have gotten better over the past 3 years. And its hard for me with guys, all but like 2 of my guy friends are gay, they are just so much more accepting and loving no matter what your faults and i love them to death. But put straight guy in front of me and i'll run for the safety of my room. and with the frats and sororities on campus i've gotten into the name calling and bullying again, i'm just learning to live with it. I can't change them and i WON'T let them change me. I have my friends who love me for me, and thats enough most of the time. Although recently i have been depressed for 2 months over this very subject, about my weight and whether i'm pretty or not, and what the future holds for me. I've had no one to talk to cause everyone else is too busy with their own problems to listen, though i must listen and help them out. But reading your entry helped me, i realized i wasn't the only one that feels this way, i'm not alone, and i'm not messed up for feeling this way either.

though we've never met in person i want to tell you that yes, i DO care about you, and yes i DO love you for who you are. You ARE a beautiful person, inside and out, and i never want to see you change for anyone. You are really cool, why else would i have you as a friend on my buddylist? I don't give that distinction to just anyone you know :)

I wish you lived close by so that i could include you in a girls night out with me and my friends, clubbing, playing games, just having fun. I'd show you that we can have fun too, and that there are some out there who will accept us for who we are. And if anyone saids anything different i'll kick the shit out of them :)


ok i know this was long, and now i'm doubting whether i should send it or not, whether you'd want to read it or not. so i think i'll send before i chicken out and pray you don't hate me for it. Oh, and please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes, this is all about writing from heart, i'm not worried about it being grammatically correct for a class report :)

[mercuriosity.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that... I had no idea.

[kmazzy.livejournal.com]

*kisses*

i miss you! wah!
hopefully i can talk to you later...