(no subject)

[silversolitaire]

I'm not feeling very well right now... like suffocating. Why always on tuesdays... I've got this very strong urge to do something drastic. Just... something. In the last days I felt the desire to die several times again. Of course I don't mean suicide. But... I wouldn't mind to just fade away. It's a strong craving. I hope it leaves soon...

Today at my job they were talking about SI and I got so angry. They didn't understand it a bit. They thought it was just a trendy and cool thing to do and everybody who does it basically is just copying someone else and striking a cool pose. Made me so unspeakably angry. I wanted to roll up my sleeves and show them my scars and tell them that I am 22 and I don't know anybody else in person who does this too and I've been doing this for such a long time and only now became aware of what I'm doing and I meant it every fucking time and I don't think it's cool or great or anything and I only wish somebody would finally notice how bad I'm feeling...

But nobody understands... nobody ever understands....

On a lighter note, I think I'll start my novel at last. I've prepared it long enough and upon reading Margaret Atwood's Edible Woman I got the final spark, I guess. That's nice... I just hope I'll remember the fevor once all this is over....

Comments

Hi!!

[lee7.livejournal.com]

I know, I drop in sometimes and make a comment, I won't if you tell me not to. To the SI thing...I can not believe how people (at your work) can be so......
SI is not the way of a fighter....a warrior. To die is okay, but in a fight for something right or true. Keep going Silver, learn more and more about your self and your heart....clean out the garbage and live....LIVE!!!!
Hugs,

To thine own self be true.

[kily.livejournal.com]

Paranoia gets to us, and we always say we are alone... but it is entirely possible that someone else sitting in that workplace was thinking the same thing as you during that conversation. We are adept at hiding things.
Hang in there, and keep trying. And, if you write it, I would love to see your novel.

--Kily

Re: Hi!!

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Lee. No, I don't mind you commenting at all ^_^. I know I'm an introvert bastard lately. I'll need to pay more attention to other people soon. But right now I'm just too occupied with all those exams and stuff... *sighs*

I know that SI is a cheap way out. Or let's say I'm supposed to know that. My Dear Friend keeps telling me that, too, and sometimes I even believe. But most of the time I don't. I'm sick. Really sick. I know that. I just don't see the bad thing about it. Secretly I love and adore it. And that's what I have to fight. Eventually, I'll succeed.

Thanks for your kind thoughts though.

Re: Hi!!

[lee7.livejournal.com]

Okay, lets think rational for one moment....Death, to sleep, to travel to a place where everything is peaceful and nice....to just close my eyes and walk into the light....and so on. Okay, most of this stuff was righten by people who are LIVING. When was the last time a dead person wrote something nice and romantic about death. Sooooo rational thinking, everything we know about the otherside is made up of our own hopes and dreams. What happens when we dei and we don't like it there either? Do I want to die again?

Silver, what are you trying to escape from, what is so bad in your world?
(I mean this all nicely)
:-)