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Jan. 28th, 2002
I'm not feeling so good today...
Jan. 28th, 2002 07:43 pmIt's this paranoia. It's kinda going strong today. I'm very nervous, I keep hearing noises everywhere... I should just stay in this room and not leave for the rest of the day. Like... when I came home it already was dark. I was fumbling with the keys and the wind was tearing at my clothes. Suddenly, I felt very nervous. I saw the path behind me reflect in the pane on the door. I suddenly thought how I could see someone sneaking up at me that way. The same moment, the garden gate slammed shut with a huge band. I dropped my bookbag and my swung around. My heart was beating painfully in my chest. Gods, I was so afraid. And then I went inside and it was all dark. It made me so nervous. The bad thing is that last week all the lightbulbs to the upper floor kinda conked and I didn't have any replacements. I wanted to bring some from home, but completely forgot. Now as I got into the house, I realized that I was going to have to go upstairs in the dark again. I almost died of fright last week doing that. No idea why, actually... I mean, I'm not a timid person. Not really... why did this scare me so? Anyway, I ran around the house, looking for bulbs that I could spare. Now at least I have some light...
I just want to sit here and not move for a while. I hate it when it's so stormy. There are so many weird noises... they just scare me.
That's the stupid thing about being paranoid. You begin to imagine what could happen, all kinds of variations of terrible accidents and evilness that you could encounter and imagining this alone scares the hell out of you.
Really stupid...
I just want to sit here and not move for a while. I hate it when it's so stormy. There are so many weird noises... they just scare me.
That's the stupid thing about being paranoid. You begin to imagine what could happen, all kinds of variations of terrible accidents and evilness that you could encounter and imagining this alone scares the hell out of you.
Really stupid...
Last night...
Jan. 28th, 2002 09:12 pmLast night I was out taking pictures for the performance for this club I've been in ever since I was 4 or so. As expected, it was utterly boring. There was this ventriloquist who made fun of me! >_< I took a picture of him and suddenly his puppet turned to me and told me to come closer and forced me to say my name in front of everyone and made some stupid saucy jokes. Like "I think her father must have been a photographer as well, since she's developed so well." Rarrrr!!! T_T I knew this was going to happen. I didn't want to cross in front of the stage for a reason.
The surprising thing was that I was awarded the Great Cross. It's a huge honor and it's given to people who have been in the club for more than 10 years and who have proved themselves to be valuable members. I was gobsmacked, to be honest. Just the night before I had said to Fleur that it's kinda stupid that I'm the only one from the family who didn't get it yet.
I've got a bit of a bad conscience though... Because I didn't even want to go there. Each year, it bores me more. I've grown up there, I've danced in their formations ever since I was a wee child, I've been a dance in those groups until I was 17! I can't imagine how it is without this club and yet it annoys me, the forced joyfulness, how many things are conducted there, how people who've been in there forever and think of themselves as indispensable blackmail others into doing what they want or else they'll refuse to work... all of that.
Being awarded with this medal now kinda gave me a bad conscience... since I've always had such evil thoughts... still do, and always want to run away and only don't manage it because old habits die hard. Ah well... x_x I'm gonna continue design their stuff, their magazine covers and stage designs and all... that'll do, I guess.
The Great Cross looks very nice though... *_*
The surprising thing was that I was awarded the Great Cross. It's a huge honor and it's given to people who have been in the club for more than 10 years and who have proved themselves to be valuable members. I was gobsmacked, to be honest. Just the night before I had said to Fleur that it's kinda stupid that I'm the only one from the family who didn't get it yet.
I've got a bit of a bad conscience though... Because I didn't even want to go there. Each year, it bores me more. I've grown up there, I've danced in their formations ever since I was a wee child, I've been a dance in those groups until I was 17! I can't imagine how it is without this club and yet it annoys me, the forced joyfulness, how many things are conducted there, how people who've been in there forever and think of themselves as indispensable blackmail others into doing what they want or else they'll refuse to work... all of that.
Being awarded with this medal now kinda gave me a bad conscience... since I've always had such evil thoughts... still do, and always want to run away and only don't manage it because old habits die hard. Ah well... x_x I'm gonna continue design their stuff, their magazine covers and stage designs and all... that'll do, I guess.
The Great Cross looks very nice though... *_*
