(no subject)

I'm a failure... everybody's better than me. I can't come up with anything that hasn't been done before. It's all been done. so used.. so old. no use. there's no use. I'm tired. I want to quit writing. but I need it. and I hate it. I hate people and I hate how they make me feel. I hate myself...

It's hurting and it's not hurting enough. I can't make myself feel. I'm so numb and I can't stand it. salt... salt in my wounds. not enough. not enough blood. no feelings...

god I'm so sick...

(no subject)

I'm bleeding too hard
Not dying fast enough
Too empty inside
Not enough within
Tired, so tired...
How can I make you feel what I feel?
You'll never understand it.
No pain, no gain... no gain at all... where is it? I feel betrayed...

This feels so weird...

I've been looking forward for this night for months... I love the Oscars. I wanted to stay up late, till 5 AM, if I have to, till 7 AM, just to see it all. And now I'm sitting here, I'm feeling lonely and sad and I'm not enjoying it a bit... I guess I'll go to bed soon. It's no use. I'm only thinking gloomy thoughts as I'm sitting here.

Life sucks...

I don't know why...

I'm no longer talking to a friend and I don't know why. I miss her and I don't know why. She has forgotten me and I don't know why. She found someone who's better and cooler and I don't know why. I wish I could talk to her again, but I can't and I don't know why. Somehow I feel like my pride would be hurt if I did. And I don't know why...

There's too much I don't know...

I miss her... I miss her...

I'm in serious need for a hug...

I noticed this all day. I want to hug and be hugged. But all the same I noticed painfully that there's not a soul to hug for me. Nobody... none of my friends are physical. Never been. I've never known hugs and caresses. Never needed them, anyway. But now I do. So much...

I heard this new Ricky Martin song today on the radio. I hate it, usually. Really. But today it touched me. "Nobody wants to be lonely. Nobody wants to cry." That's true. I'm sad and tired...

Take this cup away from me, for I don't want to taste it's poison, feel it burn me... I have changed. I'm not the same as when we started...

Welcome to the next stage of insanity...

The paranoia's back.

Great.... sucks to be me.

(no subject)

I was just thinking about Alex-kun... it's been so long since I last talked to her! It must have been November! Isn't it awful? I lose friends without noticing it. One day I'm sitting there and I realize they're gone.

This is the time of year when I used to spend so much time with her. She was my ray of light in those times. It was so much fun, going to the magical park with her, that small temple we made our own where the wind was tearing at our hair as we sat there... just talking. I miss those talks. I miss her. There's so much I have to tell her, so much I'd like to share with her.

When she tried to tell me about Digimon then, I wouldn't want to listen. I just wasn't interested. Now I know so much more about it and I wish I could share it with her. I wish I could watch my GW DVDs with her, all that stuff. But I don't even know where she is. She's gone. I lost her. She was supposed to be my roomie and now she's gone. She might be in Japan, I have no clue...

I miss her...

I feel loved...

I don't know what to say... Just when I was certain that I could no longer make it, Cairnsy wrote me the kindest mail... thank you so much, love. I'm speechless. I've never had a cheering-up-fic written just for me... *wipes away tear*