baby steps... baby steps...

[silversolitaire]

It's so difficult to find an exit out of such a low mood as I was in. Everything I want to say seems so inappropriate. I feel like I no longer have the right to be happy. Isn't that just silly? I basically spent yesterday in a... I don't know. A feeling of numbness. Not really thinking anything at all. Guess that's a good thing. I wanted to write an entry a couple of times, but it just felt inappropriate. What do you write a day after you seriously thought about doing something completely stupid? I don't know...

I'm still feeling rather detached. Like... this is not me. Every bottle I pass I check the label if it's got the little skull on it. When I had the Liquid Plummer in my hand, I didn't really think what it would do. I didn't see the connections. All I saw in that moment was that it would be a good thing to drink this. What's happening to me... when I can no longer trust my brain to make the correct decisions, what's left then?

And the sadness is still there, the angst and melancholy. I feel left out, no matter what I do. I see how friends go on with their lives, how they don't need me, how they made it whereas I failed... and it makes me want to scream. I want them to tell me that they need me and that they want to be strong with me, but they never do... I feel so useless...

Comments

[hermitchick.livejournal.com]

Are you going to be okay? Ugh, stupid question, damn I have this big "I want to try to help people" thing going on today. When the hell did I grow a heart? Damn, I want to help and give advice, but I'm the person that tried to impale my hand with a ball-point pen in Spanish today. So how do the depressed console each other? If you ever want to chat or something, I'm always around.

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll try to be. I have to, no? It's nice that you want to help, but I'm afraid nobody can... those are demons and they just won't leave... I tend to bury myself and not talk to anyone while being depressed... I'm very difficult to handle.