baby steps... baby steps...
Apr. 19th, 2001 05:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silversolitaireIt's so difficult to find an exit out of such a low mood as I was in. Everything I want to say seems so inappropriate. I feel like I no longer have the right to be happy. Isn't that just silly? I basically spent yesterday in a... I don't know. A feeling of numbness. Not really thinking anything at all. Guess that's a good thing. I wanted to write an entry a couple of times, but it just felt inappropriate. What do you write a day after you seriously thought about doing something completely stupid? I don't know...
I'm still feeling rather detached. Like... this is not me. Every bottle I pass I check the label if it's got the little skull on it. When I had the Liquid Plummer in my hand, I didn't really think what it would do. I didn't see the connections. All I saw in that moment was that it would be a good thing to drink this. What's happening to me... when I can no longer trust my brain to make the correct decisions, what's left then?
And the sadness is still there, the angst and melancholy. I feel left out, no matter what I do. I see how friends go on with their lives, how they don't need me, how they made it whereas I failed... and it makes me want to scream. I want them to tell me that they need me and that they want to be strong with me, but they never do... I feel so useless...
I'm still feeling rather detached. Like... this is not me. Every bottle I pass I check the label if it's got the little skull on it. When I had the Liquid Plummer in my hand, I didn't really think what it would do. I didn't see the connections. All I saw in that moment was that it would be a good thing to drink this. What's happening to me... when I can no longer trust my brain to make the correct decisions, what's left then?
And the sadness is still there, the angst and melancholy. I feel left out, no matter what I do. I see how friends go on with their lives, how they don't need me, how they made it whereas I failed... and it makes me want to scream. I want them to tell me that they need me and that they want to be strong with me, but they never do... I feel so useless...
