Phantom Pain?

[silversolitaire]

For the first time in... yes, I can say years I guess, I've felt the impulse to write a fanfic again. OMG... and I realize I'm totally out of it. Suddenly I feel this huge panic to write something someone else has written before or is currently writing. I read that eiluned is writing a Phantom fic (which I applaud and expected!) and suddenly my first impulse is "Aw shucks, then I don't need to start."

WTF is wrong with me? I don't know what happened... I no longer feel this pleasure in writing for fandom, for sharing it with others and receiving comments... I feel like my efforts are less than worthy and again I feel embarrassed about my thoughts and ideas. I also feel embarrassed that I've felt the impulse to write a Phantom fic just now. I guess I have to blame Gerard Butler's portrayal for it who is teh sex... but it looks lame. It looks like I'm just yet another fangirl who needs a pretty face to be convinced that something is good.

I could explain that I've read and loved the book years ago, that I still have the fondest memories of my summer in France where I listened to the entire musical every day and my mind was filled with thoughts of Christine and Erik... In my mind Christine always looked like Kim Basinger! LOL... wtf? I remember my shock when I saw pictures of the musical Christine and she had brown curley hair. To me she always looked like Kim Basinger in Batman, blonde, unearthly beautiful, virginal... I guess it might also be because I was really into the Batman movie at that time... ^^; My first superhero crush. Which of course kinda dates the entire thing, doesn't it. When was Batman in the theaters... 1989?

So yeah, I could claim all this but who would believe me? Deep inside I'd know that it probably is a lie because it was the movie that rekindled my love. When I was into the Phantom for the first time I was a writer already, albeit dormant. I can't recall a single moment in my life where I wasn't making up stories in my mind, but it was only later that I actually thought about writing them down.

Oh the hell I know... I guess it's just my usual low-self esteem and self-loathing... and the perfectionist writer in me. 99% of my fics never get done because I want to read every source available about it first before even thinking about writing more and then by the end I'm done the hype has blown over and I never post the stories and just keep them for my own enjoyment.

Oh well...

Comments

[tomkayito.livejournal.com]

You really should write it ^^
You loved it, you still love it, and this has just reminded you of how much you love it. I've had similar experiences with various things I like (or dislike >.>) where something reminds me of it as a whole, and quite often you get highly caught up in the new thing that reminded you, it's just how you deal with it. You already knew all the old stuff (usually) so you latch onto the new thing first as your next wave of inspiration!

If this is what it takes to get you out of your non-writing rut, then even if you wrote some completely lame fangirlish fic, I'd still be comepletely pleased (not that you could x_x; Your writings are well beyond that, and you should know it by now).

Okay, taken up enough space in your replies >.>; Love you!!! <3