Jan. 6th, 2005

silversolitaire: (sad)
For the first time in... yes, I can say years I guess, I've felt the impulse to write a fanfic again. OMG... and I realize I'm totally out of it. Suddenly I feel this huge panic to write something someone else has written before or is currently writing. I read that [livejournal.com profile] eiluned is writing a Phantom fic (which I applaud and expected!) and suddenly my first impulse is "Aw shucks, then I don't need to start."

WTF is wrong with me? I don't know what happened... I no longer feel this pleasure in writing for fandom, for sharing it with others and receiving comments... I feel like my efforts are less than worthy and again I feel embarrassed about my thoughts and ideas. I also feel embarrassed that I've felt the impulse to write a Phantom fic just now. I guess I have to blame Gerard Butler's portrayal for it who is teh sex... but it looks lame. It looks like I'm just yet another fangirl who needs a pretty face to be convinced that something is good.

I could explain that I've read and loved the book years ago, that I still have the fondest memories of my summer in France where I listened to the entire musical every day and my mind was filled with thoughts of Christine and Erik... In my mind Christine always looked like Kim Basinger! LOL... wtf? I remember my shock when I saw pictures of the musical Christine and she had brown curley hair. To me she always looked like Kim Basinger in Batman, blonde, unearthly beautiful, virginal... I guess it might also be because I was really into the Batman movie at that time... ^^; My first superhero crush. Which of course kinda dates the entire thing, doesn't it. When was Batman in the theaters... 1989?

So yeah, I could claim all this but who would believe me? Deep inside I'd know that it probably is a lie because it was the movie that rekindled my love. When I was into the Phantom for the first time I was a writer already, albeit dormant. I can't recall a single moment in my life where I wasn't making up stories in my mind, but it was only later that I actually thought about writing them down.

Oh the hell I know... I guess it's just my usual low-self esteem and self-loathing... and the perfectionist writer in me. 99% of my fics never get done because I want to read every source available about it first before even thinking about writing more and then by the end I'm done the hype has blown over and I never post the stories and just keep them for my own enjoyment.

Oh well...

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silversolitaire

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