Another hint of insanity...
Mar. 31st, 2001 10:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silversolitaireI'm concerned. I'm starting to get paranoid again. I hate this feeling. Haven't felt like that for a while. It started last week when I couldn't bare sitting in the living room. The light was so bright, the air so cool... it was terrible. I had to put a blanket over my head! How idiotic is that??
And then, last Thursday at work, I was looking out of the window, down into the yard below. It's a large yard with a small park. Everything can easily be seen from my window. A man was walking along a path. He obviously felt alone. I knew how he felt, because I feel like that, too, when I walk across these paths. It was then when I realized that you're never alone. Whenever you walk along a path there are hundreds of windows and in each window there can be people and they all can be watching you! They ALL are watching!!! °_°
And then I started seeing it everywhere! Houses, high buildings with dozens of windows, people everywhere, on the train, staring at me, in other cars, looking over to me, scrutinizing me... Gods...
I hope this situation doesn't deteriorate. I remember when it was its worst. It happened when I was at a Star Trek convention. I couldn't stand those people everywhere! Then I was at the station and I couldn't stand those people, I hid under my coat, crying "Don't look at me!!! Leave me alone!!!" I was sorta glad my brother was with me. As you now know, we don't get along well, but he's compassionate when I go insane every once in a while. I suspect it embarrasses him and he doens't know how to handle it, but he usually does the right thing. Then, he covered me with his body and sheltered me from the people's looks. That was nice.
Now... I just hope it was just a momentary seizure of insanity. I don't need more of that. My depression is worse enough right now... ó_ò
And then, last Thursday at work, I was looking out of the window, down into the yard below. It's a large yard with a small park. Everything can easily be seen from my window. A man was walking along a path. He obviously felt alone. I knew how he felt, because I feel like that, too, when I walk across these paths. It was then when I realized that you're never alone. Whenever you walk along a path there are hundreds of windows and in each window there can be people and they all can be watching you! They ALL are watching!!! °_°
And then I started seeing it everywhere! Houses, high buildings with dozens of windows, people everywhere, on the train, staring at me, in other cars, looking over to me, scrutinizing me... Gods...
I hope this situation doesn't deteriorate. I remember when it was its worst. It happened when I was at a Star Trek convention. I couldn't stand those people everywhere! Then I was at the station and I couldn't stand those people, I hid under my coat, crying "Don't look at me!!! Leave me alone!!!" I was sorta glad my brother was with me. As you now know, we don't get along well, but he's compassionate when I go insane every once in a while. I suspect it embarrasses him and he doens't know how to handle it, but he usually does the right thing. Then, he covered me with his body and sheltered me from the people's looks. That was nice.
Now... I just hope it was just a momentary seizure of insanity. I don't need more of that. My depression is worse enough right now... ó_ò
no subject
Date: 2001-03-31 01:32 pm (UTC)LOL
Date: 2001-03-31 02:20 pm (UTC)Knowing that people read my journal is completely different. You must understand, these feelings aren't shyness. I'm not shy. It's people's looks. That's the only thing. I know it's silly and I know it's insane, but sometimes I can't stand the feeling of people's looks on me. If they read my journal, it's different. Maybe it's because this is incorporeal. It's just words and thoughts and those are situations I can control, whereas it's frightening real when people look at me...
It's silly...
no subject
Date: 2001-04-01 12:16 pm (UTC)Krss