It scares me how prepared I am...

[silversolitaire]

I'm not in a good mood right now. Weird, really. It just started without me noticing it. It's not really time to feel like that. I just suddenly caught myself thinking if I have any stuff in my house that's poisonous. That's scary. I was thinking how sharp those knives in the kitchen are. Couldn't stop thinking about it. But then again... I find myself unable to cut myself lately. But instead I'm thinking of death. Too weird.

So I got my box. My secret box... just to look at it. And it scared me once more. How prepared I am. Needles to take blood from my veins... razor blades... antiseptics... band-aids... thin tubes so I can keep the blood flowing instead of having to pull out the needle at once again... a pack of cigarettes for later... isn't this scary? I wonder when I'll start keeping a box with other stuff. Sheesh...

I'm shaking, but I'm strong. But cold, so cold... I'm smoking the cigarette instead but I'm empty and spent anyhow...

Comments

[fosfomifira.livejournal.com]

dearest silver,
I wish I was there with you, touching you, holding you in my arms so that the cold that it?s in your heart would melt. I can?t offer you my physical company now. I know that when I feel like that I need to feel - and I mean really feel - that someone?s by my side ... I can?t give you enough warmth, but the needles and such can?t do that, either.--

Hildegard

thanks...

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

That's really so nice. I know I could have used a hug. It's good to know that some people can understand how I feel... *hugs back*

Re: thanks...

[fosfomifira.livejournal.com]

as long as you post, and as long as I have an internet access, I?ll be reading what you have to say, being happy when you?re happy, offering my support when you need it. I mean it-