silversolitaire

Some authentic excerpts from the radio between aircraft pilots and the airport tower:

Tower: To avoid noise please correct your course by 45°.
Pilot: How much noise could we possibly cause in 10k altitude?
Tower: Perhaps the sound of your 707 colliding with the 727!

Tower: Is your aircraft an Airbus 320 or a 340?
Pilot: A 340 of course!
Tower: Then try starting the other two engines, too.

Pilot: Good morning, Bratislava!
Tower: Good morning. FYI, this is Vienna
Pilot: We're about to initiate landing procedure at Bratislava Airport.
Tower: This really is Vienna, trust me.
Pilot: Vienna?
Tower: Yes.
Pilot: But why?!? We're supposed to go to Bratislava!
Tower: Okay, then abort landing and try flying a bit more to the left!

Tower (to a pilot after a particularily hard landing): No need to make a secret out of landing. The passengers got a right to know they've arrived, eh?
Pilot: Don't worry, they always applaud anyway.

Pilot of an Alitalia aircraft [who lost half of his controls after being struck by lighting]: Nothing works! Everything failed! I can't even read the altitude control anymore!
[after five minutes of whining the pilot of another aircraft interrupts] Shut up and die like a man!

Pilot: A landing light is burning.
Tower: I sure hope there should be more of them!
Pilot: I mean... like... it's smoking!

Pilot: We're in urgent need for fuel. Waiting for instructions.
Tower: What's your position, I can't see you on the radar.
Tower: We're on Lane 2 and we've been waiting for the tank car for ages!

Tower: You're in trouble?
Pilot: We lost our compass.
Tower: Judging by the way you're flying I'd say you've lost all your controls.

Pilot: Asking permission to land.
Tower: We can't find you on the flight plan, sorry. Where were you supposed to go?
Pilot: Salzburg, like every Monday.
Tower: ... But today is Tuesday.
Pilot: Tuesday?!? But we're off on Tuesday!

Tower: Height and position?
Pilot: Uhm... 6'3", left seat.

Tower [to private jet]: Who is on board?
Pilot: Two passengers and a dog.
Tower [after hard landing]: I assume the dog was flying?

Tower: Do you have enough fuel, or what?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what?
Pilot: Yes Sir!!!!!!

Tower: Requesting time of arrival.
Pilot: Hmm.... Tuesday would be nice.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US AirForce pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "Propeller 2 seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "Propeller2 seepage normal."
Problem #2: "Propellers 1, 3 and 4 lack normal seepage."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick ."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."