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[silversolitaire]

I realized something about myself today. I may no longer be the person I want to be. And I can't decide whether this is a good thing or not. Currently I am stuck in some kind of artistic slump that makes it impossible for me to decide whether something I do is good or bad. I just loathe it all. And it's not because I'm fishing for compliments or because I need people to tell me how great I am, no... I sincerely don't know. It all feels dead. I create things... but they don't move. Like a stillborn... and I poke them, but they don't touch me. I don't know how to recreate this feeling.

I don't feel special anymore. And I don't feel smart or bright or brilliant. I often feel like important knowledge has slipped my brain, knowledge that I might have known at some point in life, but that I was never aware of. Just gone. I don't make sense when I talk, but in a non-artistic way. I have no depth anymore, and I don't know why.

When I look at my LJ I feel it's empty and meaningless, filled with daily rambling that might as well go forgotten. Things I really think, that really move me are never put down to paper. I'm too lazy to write them down, too lethargic to really get a hold of them.

I always wanted to be a special someone. I wanted to be odd to people, I wanted to startle them, surprise them, fascinate them. I don't think I am. I'm just me. And I can't be that way. I'm nice and agreeable and just one of the crowd. I don't know if I like that... Sometimes I wonder if all that I had feared when I went into therapy has happened now. I feared that once I lost my darkest depressions, I'd no longer be an artist. I feared that I'd lose myself, lose something important. I feared that when I stopped seeing my own blood I'd stop seeing life. And somehow I wonder if that has happened now. I'm still depressed. A lot, even. But it's different. I know there's always someone, to hold me, to protect me. It's no longer that hopeless... But I don't feel like an artist anymore... Isn't that odd?

Two years ago I had made the resolution to write down one smart thought every day. I wonder what happened to that. I'm no longer smart now. I should have done it sooner it appears...

Life is meaningless when you no longer can decide whether the things you do are good or bad... when you need people to decide it for you and you're unable to believe it anyway...

I'm still not making sense. I should stop now.



I don't know myself anymore... say hello to me. Hello... it's me... who are you? I am... me.

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