This isn't a good day...
Oct. 11th, 2002 08:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silversolitaireEverybody's left me. My parents are out hiking and my brother is on some weekend getaway with his club. I hate it when they leave me alone for the weekend... I'm always getting depressed then. I was desperately trying to find someone to keep my company, but to no avail. Somehow I couldn't reach anybody. *le sigh* Now Tom will have to cheer me up... I feel sorry for putting this strain on him.
And sure enough, I was already drifting off into depression before Tom even had a chance to log on and talk to me. And why? Because I was trying to put together my schedule for the upcoming term and I realized that I don't really have anything to do in my two subjects anymore, because I'm nearly done there. However, I'm still missing my second subject to minor in and I just don't know what that could be. Just like the past three semesters I told myself to put if off for another semester and use that to look around and make up my mind and like always, I didn't do it. And now I look at the classes in panic and realize that it's all too late and another term is going to be lost. I feel like such a failure... But I can't seem to find my way. I feel so lost, so lonely... so unable to handle my life as a student. I know I'm procrastinating on purpose because I don't want to be done. I don't know what's going to happen to me once I finish. What job could I possibly take? And the thought alone of having to sit in some office 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for ever and ever... it's driving me insane. I just don't know what to do anymore...
So, here I am, doubting my existence once again, losing time and everything. And I really wish that someone came to save me. That someone came up to me and said "Don't worry, we'll fix it. You just take your classes and perform well and then all will be well." I wish someone would say that. Or that I could stop time. I want to take a semester off... stop the clock, stop the semesters from adding on and on and on, making me look like the worst slacker. I want to... lie in a dark room for the rest of my life. Curl up and disappear.
It all seems so easy to solve... and yet so impossible. *sighs*
And then, when I was just starting to hate myself less for all this, thanks to Tom's devoted care, that fucking Turmaculus ate my beloved Doyle... and that was just the last straw to push me off into a nervous breakdown. I must have been hysterical for at least 20 mins or so until I finally managed to calm down. And even though Tom immediately sent me a new Tyrannian Noil, I was still so upset. And those are the moments when I don't have myself under controll. There was that knife lying around from breakfast and I grabbed it and I felt like there were two people struggling inside of me, one trying to kill me and one trying to stop me. I felt this urge to just ram this knife into any part of my body, my thigh, my chest, my stomach. The effort not to made me scream and then I just tossed the knife away. Because I promised my friends not to do this anymore. And I worked hard not to cut anymore and it'd be a stupid thing to do it again after I haven't for over a year. So, I was strong, but it hurt so so much...
*sighs* I just should talk to my parents again. Tell my dad I can't handle this anymore. That I want to go back into therapy... take some time off... But, my heart is bleeding, because I love the Literature Department. It makes me happy to be there, to smell the books, be in the library... I'd miss that... I wish I could speak to them... ask them to let me continue taking classes there while I get sane... that'd be nice... I mean... I keep thinking how this will look on my CV later on. They'll ask me "Why did you take so long to finish your studies?" And what will I say? "I was stuck in a terrible depression and couldn't make up my mind for years... but I promise, this won't happen again! I'm sane! Hire me!" *sighs*
I want to be 17 again...
And sure enough, I was already drifting off into depression before Tom even had a chance to log on and talk to me. And why? Because I was trying to put together my schedule for the upcoming term and I realized that I don't really have anything to do in my two subjects anymore, because I'm nearly done there. However, I'm still missing my second subject to minor in and I just don't know what that could be. Just like the past three semesters I told myself to put if off for another semester and use that to look around and make up my mind and like always, I didn't do it. And now I look at the classes in panic and realize that it's all too late and another term is going to be lost. I feel like such a failure... But I can't seem to find my way. I feel so lost, so lonely... so unable to handle my life as a student. I know I'm procrastinating on purpose because I don't want to be done. I don't know what's going to happen to me once I finish. What job could I possibly take? And the thought alone of having to sit in some office 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for ever and ever... it's driving me insane. I just don't know what to do anymore...
So, here I am, doubting my existence once again, losing time and everything. And I really wish that someone came to save me. That someone came up to me and said "Don't worry, we'll fix it. You just take your classes and perform well and then all will be well." I wish someone would say that. Or that I could stop time. I want to take a semester off... stop the clock, stop the semesters from adding on and on and on, making me look like the worst slacker. I want to... lie in a dark room for the rest of my life. Curl up and disappear.
It all seems so easy to solve... and yet so impossible. *sighs*
And then, when I was just starting to hate myself less for all this, thanks to Tom's devoted care, that fucking Turmaculus ate my beloved Doyle... and that was just the last straw to push me off into a nervous breakdown. I must have been hysterical for at least 20 mins or so until I finally managed to calm down. And even though Tom immediately sent me a new Tyrannian Noil, I was still so upset. And those are the moments when I don't have myself under controll. There was that knife lying around from breakfast and I grabbed it and I felt like there were two people struggling inside of me, one trying to kill me and one trying to stop me. I felt this urge to just ram this knife into any part of my body, my thigh, my chest, my stomach. The effort not to made me scream and then I just tossed the knife away. Because I promised my friends not to do this anymore. And I worked hard not to cut anymore and it'd be a stupid thing to do it again after I haven't for over a year. So, I was strong, but it hurt so so much...
*sighs* I just should talk to my parents again. Tell my dad I can't handle this anymore. That I want to go back into therapy... take some time off... But, my heart is bleeding, because I love the Literature Department. It makes me happy to be there, to smell the books, be in the library... I'd miss that... I wish I could speak to them... ask them to let me continue taking classes there while I get sane... that'd be nice... I mean... I keep thinking how this will look on my CV later on. They'll ask me "Why did you take so long to finish your studies?" And what will I say? "I was stuck in a terrible depression and couldn't make up my mind for years... but I promise, this won't happen again! I'm sane! Hire me!" *sighs*
I want to be 17 again...
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no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 01:04 pm (UTC)That it claims everyone can fulfill their dreams, never thinking that some people might not have any dreams in this fucked up reality.
I dreamt of sleeping in an ice blue cocoon once, and it was so warm in there.
It'd be nice to hide.
But since we can't, the only thing to remember is that there are people who love us as we are and who are willing to stand up for us and beat everyone to shreds that stands in our way, at least as far as they can.
I know you have those people too.
Don't give up.
Everything's gonna be alright.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-11 03:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-10-12 12:45 pm (UTC)I feel the same! I am also one of those students who will never finish! What to do with life? You are not alone! And don't ever think about suicide again! It's not the best way out. You were strong to resist! *gives Silver Frodo Baggins-award". Everything will be all right. Everything will be OK. *Hugs*
Kristina J.