Birthday musings
Jul. 19th, 2002 01:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silversolitaireBefore the storm broke loose on Wednesday, I went to my usual manga store and picked up a bunch of mangas and some nice knickknacks. When I walked away from the store with my usual happy bounce that I adopt when I bought something nice, my glance fell on a shop window that was decorated with tiny men cut out of colored cardboard. I suddenly was taken back to the time when I was young and getting ready for my birthday, just like I am now. When birthdays still used to mean something. I remember how special these days were. I couldn't sleep, I was so excited. I made nice cardboard thingies with the names of my friends on it, I thought about games to play, stuff to do. My parents would prepare the garden, put up this old parachute to cover the garden like a huge tent. I'd get a cake with candles, and the pool would be pleasantly warm and decorated with flowers. People would call all day, wish my a happy birthday. And gifts. I got many gifts, so many that they didn't even fit on the table. Birthdays were special then.
Now I dread them. I really do. They always make me sad, always make me depressed. I can't believe it's less than two weeks that I will turn 24. I feel so old already. And I'm angry of myself, too, because I know all this pain is my own fault. I should stop thinking about my birthday as something special. Because it's not. It's just a day. I can't blame anybody else not to think of it as anything more. I always feel ungrateful when I am disappointed that yet another special day is going down the drain... *sighs*
I'm no different, I guess. It feels silly to buzz around someone who's birthday it is all day. And I don't really want to be the center of attention either. That's embarrassing. I guess, what I want is that some people remember. I wish they'd call again... but they don't. My Godmother stopped calling the day I had my confirmation. And I didn't even understand why then. I was 13! I thought she was calling and giving me gifts because she liked me. But no, she only did it because it had been her duty. That made me sad... My grandmother usually forgets when she's not there. My uncle and his family are on vacation. And my old school buddies, they stopped calling long ago. And sulking doesn't change anything. They just don't remember.
*sighs* Now I feel so egocentric again. I wish I could just erase all birthdays. That would be best. Not even pretend that it was special, have no expectations. I hope I can manage it this year. Not expect anything. My parents probably won't give me much, if at all. I don't think they even considered it yet. I can't blame them. They have lots of stress and money is tight. I stopped expecting anything from my bro long ago. He won't even be there. Maybe it'll work out now. Now they can only surprise me. That would be nice. And Tom promised I won't be sad on my birthday, so I believe him. And Fleur will come to visit me ^_^.
Now I dread them. I really do. They always make me sad, always make me depressed. I can't believe it's less than two weeks that I will turn 24. I feel so old already. And I'm angry of myself, too, because I know all this pain is my own fault. I should stop thinking about my birthday as something special. Because it's not. It's just a day. I can't blame anybody else not to think of it as anything more. I always feel ungrateful when I am disappointed that yet another special day is going down the drain... *sighs*
I'm no different, I guess. It feels silly to buzz around someone who's birthday it is all day. And I don't really want to be the center of attention either. That's embarrassing. I guess, what I want is that some people remember. I wish they'd call again... but they don't. My Godmother stopped calling the day I had my confirmation. And I didn't even understand why then. I was 13! I thought she was calling and giving me gifts because she liked me. But no, she only did it because it had been her duty. That made me sad... My grandmother usually forgets when she's not there. My uncle and his family are on vacation. And my old school buddies, they stopped calling long ago. And sulking doesn't change anything. They just don't remember.
*sighs* Now I feel so egocentric again. I wish I could just erase all birthdays. That would be best. Not even pretend that it was special, have no expectations. I hope I can manage it this year. Not expect anything. My parents probably won't give me much, if at all. I don't think they even considered it yet. I can't blame them. They have lots of stress and money is tight. I stopped expecting anything from my bro long ago. He won't even be there. Maybe it'll work out now. Now they can only surprise me. That would be nice. And Tom promised I won't be sad on my birthday, so I believe him. And Fleur will come to visit me ^_^.
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no subject
Date: 2002-07-19 05:59 am (UTC)i am going to be 24 soon. and i feel so old too.
i'm sure like Tom said, your birthday will be super fab this year.
*smirks and is not planning things at all, oh no...*
no subject
Date: 2002-07-19 07:55 am (UTC)*hugs* It's not silly to expect birthdays being special. They should be special. And I want to make it special for you. (Well, since I've never visited you at your birthday, it is kind of special. ^_~)
*hugs and kisses* Love you, hon, and I'm looking forward to you very, very much.