A reflection, too.
Jan. 1st, 2002 08:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silversolitaireSo, the New Year's bug has gotten a hold of me after all. Right now, I'm feeling indescribably sad. I don't really know why. And then again... I do know. For one, I've watched something that was supposed to make me happy, but instead, it made me sad.
And then I realized that my granny really is old. I mean, I know, of course, that she's old. She's 85. But... so many things I didn't notice before. Like, she's always been such a clean person. She still is. But now she realizes that she can't keep up with it anymore. She just can't see things anymore. She misses how the gunk still is stuck between the prongs of the fork or even that there are tons of dead bugs in the oatmeal.
My mom spent all afternoon cleaning her kitchen, going through all the stuff and throwing out old food. They even found food from '86 or so. Oh man... we showed the dead bugs to my granny and she got so sad. She just sat there and I could tell she was embarrassed and felt humiliated. I tried to tell her that this could happen to anyone. And still... at some point she just murmured, "Getting older really isn't fun at all."
It made me unspeakable sad. It reminded me of when my grandfather had his moments of sanity and realized what he'd become. The is a terrible, terrible thing.
I really didn't know what to write about the past year. I still don't know. A year seems to trifling. It's like nothing has happened at all, nothing has changed. And then... everything.
For one, I was beginning to feel how my depression was getting the best of me. I got into therapy and I dropped out again. But it helped, even if it just was a bit. I spent most summer trying to get sane. I don't think I've succeeded. As a matter of fact, I'm getting worse in many aspects. I no longer cut myself. That's a good thing. But I mess around with poisonous stuff... I've become terribly afraid of losing people I love. I cling to them and thus drive them away. No idea where that came from. I hate it. I hate the obsessive kind of person I've become.
Oh, and of course, this year I've found out that most of my family life is a lie. That my dad's been cheating on my mom for ten years and that all I've ever believed was just a farce. In a way, I'm not surprised. As a matter of fact I was surprised BEFORE because I couldn't understand how my family of all people could still be intact. And not only that. It's the same with my grandparents (the other ones). So many things that I found out now. How they hated each other, how they never loved each other. But... this is something else. It has no place here. It's not my life. Only... it explains a lot, doesn't it? Explains a lot...
What has this year given me? A deeper bond to my girlfriend. We spent two wonderful months together in summer. A time where I thought life had stood still for a moment. We got so close. We went through a lot of pain and talking but in the end we created something beautiful. I will never understand how she, or anyone, could go through so much trouble to be with me.
I have started writing a novel together with Li. This sure is a great achievement. It must be nearing its 200th page soon. That was a good thing.
In 2001, I have met many interesting people. People that grew dear to my heart, but also, I have found friends that I loved desperately, maybe still love, but that I've lost anyway. It's a vicious circle that I'm never going to break. It also makes me fear about new friends. Will they leave one day, too? What is it with me that those I love the most leave me and I end up hating them? I don't know.
The past year gave me a closer contact with my muses, too. I no longer hide the stuff I create this desperately. I embrace my creativity, let it out. That's a good thing, too. I've let characters that's been inside of me for a long time out and blossom. I hope this won't stop. I still don't write enough though. I guess I never will. I will never be enough for myself. Never... I'm insufficient. That's a truth I must accept.
Roleplay. Yes, that I found, too. I will never forget Kat for introducing me to it. On the other hand, I will never rp with her again. That I just know. I don't think it'll ever happen again. In a way, it saddens me. Many characters won't have a chance to develop anymore. But I guess that's just another thing that can be booked under the category of loved and lost. And I have stopped clinging onto the hope and instead began rping with others and found that it's just as much fun. So, I guess that's another good thing.
Oh, and MLs. Yes... I've created FFN-Slashers-Unite and it's going very well. I'm glad about that. FFN, on the other hand, got really sucky. Very sad. Also, the HP fandom became very despicable and drove me away. Now I'm looking for new shores. Maybe Lord of the Rings? I don't even know it too well. Created another ML, Legolust, and although it's only a few days old we're already nearing 100 members! This surprises me... and also makes me very proud. I miss a list where I can go fangirlish again.
Fleur... right now, she's one of my dearest friends. I love her a lot. She's another person who confuses me, because I don't know why she would want to be friends with someone like me. She really knows how dark and terrible I can be and still she likes me. It leaves me speechless.
In a way it can be credited to her that I obsess over Legolas now, because she created the elf Lirel and made me rediscover my old love for elves. I really want to do more with elves now. Maybe I can coax Irda into rping some with me! That would be nice. Maybe something new to do in the new year.
What will happen this year? How many friends will come? How many will go? How many times will I try to commit suicide this year? How many times will I cry all night and feel terrible because I've driven myself into the worst paranoia, thinking everyone hates me and is really avoiding me? Will it get worse? Will it get better? Will I finally manage to be content with myself, happy with what I am, what I do? I doubt it...
I'm just getting older. I have no aim in life. I'll be 24 this year. 24. Oh God... And there's nothing I can look back to with pride. And nothing to look ahead to. Oh no. Very scary. Will I still be able to visit my granny next year, even though I hate it here right now? What will happen when she's gone? Will our family break apart completely? Somehow I feel my ma is only clinging on right now for her sake. Because my granny adores me dad. but what will be when she's gone? I dread the thought...
I feel lonely.
What else... I really don't know. I'm empty now. Like I've poured myself out and now I'm too weak to lift my head and say anything else. Other things will come to my mind, I'm sure. But they can wait.
I'm exhausted now. Even though I'm completely calm, tears a streaking my cheeks. What a weird year it's been. And then again... nothing.
And then I realized that my granny really is old. I mean, I know, of course, that she's old. She's 85. But... so many things I didn't notice before. Like, she's always been such a clean person. She still is. But now she realizes that she can't keep up with it anymore. She just can't see things anymore. She misses how the gunk still is stuck between the prongs of the fork or even that there are tons of dead bugs in the oatmeal.
My mom spent all afternoon cleaning her kitchen, going through all the stuff and throwing out old food. They even found food from '86 or so. Oh man... we showed the dead bugs to my granny and she got so sad. She just sat there and I could tell she was embarrassed and felt humiliated. I tried to tell her that this could happen to anyone. And still... at some point she just murmured, "Getting older really isn't fun at all."
It made me unspeakable sad. It reminded me of when my grandfather had his moments of sanity and realized what he'd become. The is a terrible, terrible thing.
I really didn't know what to write about the past year. I still don't know. A year seems to trifling. It's like nothing has happened at all, nothing has changed. And then... everything.
For one, I was beginning to feel how my depression was getting the best of me. I got into therapy and I dropped out again. But it helped, even if it just was a bit. I spent most summer trying to get sane. I don't think I've succeeded. As a matter of fact, I'm getting worse in many aspects. I no longer cut myself. That's a good thing. But I mess around with poisonous stuff... I've become terribly afraid of losing people I love. I cling to them and thus drive them away. No idea where that came from. I hate it. I hate the obsessive kind of person I've become.
Oh, and of course, this year I've found out that most of my family life is a lie. That my dad's been cheating on my mom for ten years and that all I've ever believed was just a farce. In a way, I'm not surprised. As a matter of fact I was surprised BEFORE because I couldn't understand how my family of all people could still be intact. And not only that. It's the same with my grandparents (the other ones). So many things that I found out now. How they hated each other, how they never loved each other. But... this is something else. It has no place here. It's not my life. Only... it explains a lot, doesn't it? Explains a lot...
What has this year given me? A deeper bond to my girlfriend. We spent two wonderful months together in summer. A time where I thought life had stood still for a moment. We got so close. We went through a lot of pain and talking but in the end we created something beautiful. I will never understand how she, or anyone, could go through so much trouble to be with me.
I have started writing a novel together with Li. This sure is a great achievement. It must be nearing its 200th page soon. That was a good thing.
In 2001, I have met many interesting people. People that grew dear to my heart, but also, I have found friends that I loved desperately, maybe still love, but that I've lost anyway. It's a vicious circle that I'm never going to break. It also makes me fear about new friends. Will they leave one day, too? What is it with me that those I love the most leave me and I end up hating them? I don't know.
The past year gave me a closer contact with my muses, too. I no longer hide the stuff I create this desperately. I embrace my creativity, let it out. That's a good thing, too. I've let characters that's been inside of me for a long time out and blossom. I hope this won't stop. I still don't write enough though. I guess I never will. I will never be enough for myself. Never... I'm insufficient. That's a truth I must accept.
Roleplay. Yes, that I found, too. I will never forget Kat for introducing me to it. On the other hand, I will never rp with her again. That I just know. I don't think it'll ever happen again. In a way, it saddens me. Many characters won't have a chance to develop anymore. But I guess that's just another thing that can be booked under the category of loved and lost. And I have stopped clinging onto the hope and instead began rping with others and found that it's just as much fun. So, I guess that's another good thing.
Oh, and MLs. Yes... I've created FFN-Slashers-Unite and it's going very well. I'm glad about that. FFN, on the other hand, got really sucky. Very sad. Also, the HP fandom became very despicable and drove me away. Now I'm looking for new shores. Maybe Lord of the Rings? I don't even know it too well. Created another ML, Legolust, and although it's only a few days old we're already nearing 100 members! This surprises me... and also makes me very proud. I miss a list where I can go fangirlish again.
Fleur... right now, she's one of my dearest friends. I love her a lot. She's another person who confuses me, because I don't know why she would want to be friends with someone like me. She really knows how dark and terrible I can be and still she likes me. It leaves me speechless.
In a way it can be credited to her that I obsess over Legolas now, because she created the elf Lirel and made me rediscover my old love for elves. I really want to do more with elves now. Maybe I can coax Irda into rping some with me! That would be nice. Maybe something new to do in the new year.
What will happen this year? How many friends will come? How many will go? How many times will I try to commit suicide this year? How many times will I cry all night and feel terrible because I've driven myself into the worst paranoia, thinking everyone hates me and is really avoiding me? Will it get worse? Will it get better? Will I finally manage to be content with myself, happy with what I am, what I do? I doubt it...
I'm just getting older. I have no aim in life. I'll be 24 this year. 24. Oh God... And there's nothing I can look back to with pride. And nothing to look ahead to. Oh no. Very scary. Will I still be able to visit my granny next year, even though I hate it here right now? What will happen when she's gone? Will our family break apart completely? Somehow I feel my ma is only clinging on right now for her sake. Because my granny adores me dad. but what will be when she's gone? I dread the thought...
I feel lonely.
What else... I really don't know. I'm empty now. Like I've poured myself out and now I'm too weak to lift my head and say anything else. Other things will come to my mind, I'm sure. But they can wait.
I'm exhausted now. Even though I'm completely calm, tears a streaking my cheeks. What a weird year it's been. And then again... nothing.
no subject
Date: 2002-01-01 02:11 pm (UTC)