It scares me how prepared I am...

I'm not in a good mood right now. Weird, really. It just started without me noticing it. It's not really time to feel like that. I just suddenly caught myself thinking if I have any stuff in my house that's poisonous. That's scary. I was thinking how sharp those knives in the kitchen are. Couldn't stop thinking about it. But then again... I find myself unable to cut myself lately. But instead I'm thinking of death. Too weird.

So I got my box. My secret box... just to look at it. And it scared me once more. How prepared I am. Needles to take blood from my veins... razor blades... antiseptics... band-aids... thin tubes so I can keep the blood flowing instead of having to pull out the needle at once again... a pack of cigarettes for later... isn't this scary? I wonder when I'll start keeping a box with other stuff. Sheesh...

I'm shaking, but I'm strong. But cold, so cold... I'm smoking the cigarette instead but I'm empty and spent anyhow...

Fuck dammit, fuck fuck fuck!!!!!

I'M SO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGRY!!!!!!! I want to break something!!!!!!!

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!!!!