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[personal profile] silversolitaire
Here I am. Back again. My last days were mute. It was so strange... The day my body stopped wanting, I stopped talking.

Let me explain... I used to be a person who didn't need much sleep. I have to be that way, taking into account that I'm a notorious night owl. Whenever I can I will stay up until 3 AM, because I love and need the evening breath. Then, suddenly, it changed. I was so tired. Constantly. Without any chance of improvement. I couldn't even drive an hour in my car without running danger of falling asleep. Only a month before I was driving back home at 3 AM without fearing for a second I could be falling asleep on the road. Then there was my accident. I still can't remember why it happened, but the fear is there that it was because of this sleepiness. I never trusted my body again.

Now the strain is so immense... I don't know what to do. Real Life is calling, merciless... I don't want to. My body is screaming NOOOO! I feel pain, inner anguish, denial... it's suffocating me. But I have to. I need money to be able to see my girlfriend this X-Mas. So I did. Got up so early every day, still living my night owl life.

And then, this Monday, something strange happened. I woke up an hour earlier than I had to. I felt fresh and relaxed. But there was something wrong. I still don't know how this happened. There's a light on my bookboard which can only be switched on by moving a whole bunch of boxes or using the remote control. This remote control hasn't been used for months and it's very fickle, doesn't work most of the time. This very remote control was buried in the depths of my drawer. Well, so it happened that I woke up and this light was on! To switch it off, I had to search 10 minutes flat for the stupid remote. I don't know how and why this happened. Then I got to work and was really amazed, because I wasn't tired at all. I didn't have any breakfast either, but wasn't tired a bit.

That was the day my body stopped wanting again.

But with this day, I got mute, too. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't have anything to say... that's why I didn't write any more entries in the last days. What is there to say?

I am sad... very sad... it's suffocating me. Just yesterday I was so full of hope for the future. It's all gone now. And I got so sad over the silliest things. I am sad, because I can't finish Harry Potter #4. It never gets less, no matter what I do. I am sad, because I know who will be dying in the end. I'm sad because I know and because it happens. I'm sad, because I love J.K. Rowling, but I have no significance. Why should I anyway? I'm sad, because I can't read as fast as I want to know. I'm sad, because I have a wonderful new course next term and I'm so happy about it and the gorgeous reading list, but I have 10 other books I'm dying to read and no time. I'm sad, because I want to write and draw, but I also want to read and so I don't do anything... I'm sad... because what I love the most in the world makes me sad. I'm sad, because I should be happy and am not...
I'm sad... very sad.

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silversolitaire

February 2009

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