Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator

[silversolitaire]

tragical_mirth posted this yesterday and it cracked me up so hard that I just need to post it in my own LJ to keep:

Here, I've transcribed it. Just because! *g*

Brawndo, the thirst mutilator! It's like a monster truck you can pour into your face! It's got electrolytes! What are electrolytes??? I don't know but they're extremely awesome and Brawndo is full of them! And they help plants grow which is why you should drink Brawndo and not water because water is from the toilet and I've never seen plants grow out of a toilet. It's got caffeine, super extra caffeine, and five kinds of sugar which makes it delicious and much better than other energy drinks that are not delicious. Drinking it will make you wonder why you haven't ever crushed a human skull with your bare hands. But you won't have to because you already know that Brawndo tastes how that would feel which is like having sex with a tractor trailer in a parking lot. GRRRRRRRRRR!!! I just split my pants like the Incredible Hulk! See that? Brawndo will make you need new pants! And while you're out buying new pants you should buy some new shoes because you're gonna wear out your shoes from kicking everyone's ass all the time. Brawndo will make you want to kick everyone's ass all the time which might be good or bad but either way you're gonna win because Brawndo will make you win in things you're not even supposed to win at. Like yelling. Brawndo will make you win at yelling or maybe instead of yelling something else like jumping or waving because you'll be able to wave your hands really fast and you'll probably become invisible which doesn't even make any sense. But if that doesn't happen then you'll probably just end up running somewhere which is good if you like running, but even if you don't Brawndo will make you win at exercise.

But wait! There's actually two more and they're more awesome and more exciting than pouring gasoline over your head and setting it on fire while running naked through a convent!

Brawndo, the thirst mutilator. It's like riding a dinosaur attached to a rocket ship. It's made with 100% concentrated rage. You can tell when you open the can because it's extremely loud and by loud I mean tasty. It tastes like a locomotive full of screaming babies crashing into an aircraft carrier and the aircraft carrier is on fire which sounds really exciting because fire is very exciting, but it's not more exciting than Brawndo, because Brawndo is more exciting than a fist fight with a grizzly bear.

Brawndo, the thirst mutilator. It's like shaving your chest with a lawnmower (don't try this at home unless you live in a hospital). That sounds dangerous, but it's not more dangerous than Brawndo because drinking Brawndo is like riding a pony which probably sounds not dangerous except that the pony is 300 feet tall and covered in chainsaws and to get on the pony you have to take an elevator with sixteen live cougars which is an actual sport in Latin America! Which is extremely fun but not as much fun as Brawndo because drinking Brawndo is like driving an ice cream truck full of angry bees through a petting zoo which is a great way to become popular if you want to become popular with law enforcement (never bring an ice cream truck to a taser fight). But if you don't you should still drink Brawndo, because Brawndo will make you use your fists in everyday tasks like watching television or romance or helicopter repair and maintenance. It will also make you more awesome at English which means you can use apostrophes wherever you want to, even in words like 'nucular' which don't even have an apostrophe yet!

If you spot any mistakes I've made in the transcript, let me know!

Comments

[tragical-mirth.livejournal.com]

And there's more: Look up "Powerthirst" on YouTube.

Powerthirst was the original. When Mike Judge filmed Idiocracy, he hired the guys who made Powerthirst to make his fake commercials. Now evidently Brawndo is a real drink!

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, yes, I've researched that by now! XD I love it when people try to devise a proper backstory for stuff and then it develops a life of its own. This is more awesome than driving an ice cream truck full of angry grizzly bears across an aircraft carrier on fire!

I've got half a mind to order a case. Only, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it at all considering I can't stand coke because it's too sweet *g*. But I want to become more awesome at English too! ;_;

[tragical-mirth.livejournal.com]

I wanna shave my chest with a lawnmower and ride a pony covered in chainsaws.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_profiterole_/]

You know I'm at work when I'm so bored that I end up watching silly videos. XDDD

My fave one is the second one because I can't resist dinosaur jokes, it's a Lost effect, even though it's probably not a dinosaur in Lost but who cares because we don't know what it is and it can destroy the island like a dinosaur so it can very well be a dinosaur. DINOSAUR!