silversolitaire

Beautiful,

Today's the 4th anniversary of your death, my special friend. I still think of you. I've never forgotten you. Even now after only writing these few lines I feel the tears streaking my face. How could I forget you when I can still feel you stop breathing under my hands? When I stroked your hair and looked into your eyes as they lost their light...

Even now, fours years later, I still come home and a secret place in my heart hopes that you'd be waiting there for me. I can see your face in all the familiar places, I have a memory with you for all of them. I loved you so much that the loss of you will never heal. I wish I could think of you without crying my eyes out, but I can't.

I've never finished this painting of you. The day you died I put it away. I haven't looked at your pictures ever since and when our song is on I switch the station. Don't think I do this to erase your memory... no... I do this because I remember too much.

If I have learnt one thing about death then it's that it never stops to hurt. Never ever. You only think about it less often, that's all. But when you do, it's just as present as it was the minute your heart stopped beating.

Often I have wished I could bring you back. The weeks of darkness after you went away I begged and cried, wishing I could see you only once a week, or a month, or a year even! Just see you smile and know you're still a part of me. But then I realized how selfish I was and I let you go. The coldness gripped my heart, because I felt how you truly left me, but I knew it was the right thing. You wanted to go and I let you. That night I dreamt of you, looking at me from across a green meadow, covered with blossoming dandy lion and you nodded at me when you turned to leave. I cried after you, but I did not stop you... I have never dreamt of you again.

I have searched your likeness ever since. I felt guilt when I experienced some pleasure that suddenly was possible without you. I still don't understand how life goes on without you, but it does. I wouldn't have thought it possible. But it's only an "after" never a "new". You will always be the perfect one... I love you...

I have to stop now. I can't see the monitor anymore and I'm shaking all over. But it was necessary. At least once a year I have to face this. I miss you, God, I miss you so much...

I will never forget you.

Silver

In loving memory of Amanda
deceased May 1st 1997, 10:40 AM
Viva in Aeternum, Bella.