silversolitaire

So yeah, I've started a Phantom fic. And I'm kinda amazed at that because I haven't been writing for... I don't even know for how long. I don't really know where this fic is heading and I know I probably sound like a total idiot whining so much about this, but to me writing is as painful as giving birth. There are people who have the gift of sitting down and churning out pages in a matter of hours. Just the fact that they manage to keep at it for hours is amazing to me. Maybe it's writer's block, or maybe it's just me. I don't know. Maybe this is why I feel like a fraud most of the time.

This is what writing feels to me right now. An ongoing battle. Me against the words. I write, but I hate it. So I don't write, because... what's the point? Why write when it ends up sucking. Or maybe it doesn't suck but I can't judge it because I hate it per default. So, I write... and... I feel like I've lost it. The skill. I've neglected my art and now my skill is gone. And I realize that Richard has been right all the time. It's like a muscle and you need to train it. When you're a dancer you have to dance every day. And you can't be a writer and never write.

I'm sitting there... and I feel like I have no grasp of the English language anymore. I keep thinking of words I want to use but they won't come to my mind. And I can't see the pictures anymore. I used to see beautiful pictures. And it used to be such a great pleasure... to see those scenes, and describe them... Now I usually go "Urgh... can't this be over yet?"

It's just that... it feels like something lost. This is why I feel like a fraud. I'm Father Karras: "There isn't a day in my life when I haven't felt like a fraud." I feel like I don't have the right to call myself a writer. Writing is like a religion... you ... have to believe in it... need to have faith in your ability to create something beautiful. But when you can't anymore... when you have lost faith.. it's horrible.

I miss being a writer...