How shall I remember thee?
May. 1st, 2002 04:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silversolitaireBeautiful,
today is the fifth anniversary.
I can't believe it still makes me cry. Just hearing your name makes me cry like a baby. Talking about you is impossible. Yet I promised myself that I'd never let this day pass without remembering you, no matter how much it hurts.
Did you know that I still think of you? I really do... Sometimes it appears to me as if I've never led a life that you were a part of. It's terrible. Then I freeze in shock and remember you. But you never look angry in my memory. I always see you smile.
Today I woke up around 11 even though I had planned to sleep in. I woke up and I had dreamt of you. I woke up the very moment you took your last breath five years ago. Coincidence? I don't know. You're still here with me, I know it. I remember how good it felt to sleep in this very bed, knowing that you were downstairs, taking care of me. I remember how good it felt when the time came that I had to take care of you and you loved me for being the one. You appreciated me as much as I had appreciated you all my life.
I can't remember a single day before you. But I remember every single day after you. You left a terrible hole inside of me and no matter how much love I found afterwards, it will never really close. I realize this now that I write this and I can barely see because the tears are clouding my sight.
I love you, I love you... I will never stop. I will never forget you even though I sometimes can't remember the color of your eyes. I still know how they sparkled when they looked at me, how soft your hair was when you comforted me, how you always were there for me.
I miss you... so much. I hope you're better now. I really hope so. I'm sorry... so sorry. I know you don't want me to cling to you so much, not letting you go. I hope you left already and my tears aren't holding you back. I don't mean to. Please forgive me for being so selfish... I try not to do this too often...
I should treasure your memories, instead of mourning them. But I can't. I really can't. I never looked at your pictures again. I just can't. Last July, I stumbled across a bunch of photos that hadn't looked at for a whole. I went through the stack and suddenly there were you. I couldn't stand it. I tried to smile as the others kept looking at the pictures, but my heart was breaking inside. I hid in my room and cried my eyes out. I wish I could think of the good times with you. Why do I only remember the fact that you're not here anymore?
Maybe next year it will be a happier occasion. Maybe then I can truly honor your memory and not cry helplessly at the first sentence. I hope so. You deserve the best...
I love you...
SilverIn loving memory of Amanda
deceased May 1st 1997, 10:40 AM
Viva in Aeternum, Bella.
today is the fifth anniversary.
I can't believe it still makes me cry. Just hearing your name makes me cry like a baby. Talking about you is impossible. Yet I promised myself that I'd never let this day pass without remembering you, no matter how much it hurts.
Did you know that I still think of you? I really do... Sometimes it appears to me as if I've never led a life that you were a part of. It's terrible. Then I freeze in shock and remember you. But you never look angry in my memory. I always see you smile.
Today I woke up around 11 even though I had planned to sleep in. I woke up and I had dreamt of you. I woke up the very moment you took your last breath five years ago. Coincidence? I don't know. You're still here with me, I know it. I remember how good it felt to sleep in this very bed, knowing that you were downstairs, taking care of me. I remember how good it felt when the time came that I had to take care of you and you loved me for being the one. You appreciated me as much as I had appreciated you all my life.
I can't remember a single day before you. But I remember every single day after you. You left a terrible hole inside of me and no matter how much love I found afterwards, it will never really close. I realize this now that I write this and I can barely see because the tears are clouding my sight.
I love you, I love you... I will never stop. I will never forget you even though I sometimes can't remember the color of your eyes. I still know how they sparkled when they looked at me, how soft your hair was when you comforted me, how you always were there for me.
I miss you... so much. I hope you're better now. I really hope so. I'm sorry... so sorry. I know you don't want me to cling to you so much, not letting you go. I hope you left already and my tears aren't holding you back. I don't mean to. Please forgive me for being so selfish... I try not to do this too often...
I should treasure your memories, instead of mourning them. But I can't. I really can't. I never looked at your pictures again. I just can't. Last July, I stumbled across a bunch of photos that hadn't looked at for a whole. I went through the stack and suddenly there were you. I couldn't stand it. I tried to smile as the others kept looking at the pictures, but my heart was breaking inside. I hid in my room and cried my eyes out. I wish I could think of the good times with you. Why do I only remember the fact that you're not here anymore?
Maybe next year it will be a happier occasion. Maybe then I can truly honor your memory and not cry helplessly at the first sentence. I hope so. You deserve the best...
I love you...
Silver
deceased May 1st 1997, 10:40 AM
Viva in Aeternum, Bella.
