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Loveletter to Joshua
Jan. 12th, 2007 03:14 pmLast night, as I was sitting in my bathtub, wondering once more why on earth my radio had started playing Russian and Swedish stations, I suddenly found myself thinking about Joshua Kadison again. I don't really know what brought this about, but suddenly I thought about him, like a good old friend, and once more I found myelf wondering what he's doing now.
It's always difficult to explain to people what Joshua Kadison means to me. When you don't know him, don't know what kind of things he said and wrote, what kind of a person he is and what his music does to people, you don't really understand it. You probably just hear slightly smoopy music accompanied by some piano playing and an overly dramatic voice at times. And yet... to me he's so much more.
I discovered him... hm, in 1994, I think. Yeah, pretty much. He had just put out his first record and appeared on some television show. I hadn't heard of him yet. I was an avid MTV watcher at that time and had never seen him there. Dad asked me who he is and I said "Dunno... not MTV quality, obviously." Then I listened to him play... and it was as if I fell in love. The song just spoke to me, opened my heart and showed me a world of things I had never seen before.
The next day I went to the record store to check out his CD. Yes! The old fashion way. You know, when you're a teenager with no money and nobody had internet yet then. So you actually went to the store, grabbed the CD from the shelf and asked the clerk to let you listen to it. So I stood there with my headphones on, straining to listen to the music through the booming baseline of some rap song.
"Jessie" was the first track, the one I had heard the night before, so I skipped it. The next one was "Painted Desert Serenade" and as I listened to it I just started grinning, grinning like a fool because the song was so sweet and it just made this entire story pop up inside my head. It was as if I was looking at a wonderful painting, walking barefoot across the beach and watching an emotional movie, all at the same time. The next track was "Beau's All Night Radio Love Line", and again, the same thing. It just went on and on, it was addictive and I just couldn't get enough of it.
Needless to say, I took the record home with me and listened to it all the time. Haha... I still had a desk in my room then where I sat to do homework and stuff. I kept doodling things on the desktop notepad, kept writing along with the lyrics, sketching out things... and before I knew it, these notes had become stories. Wonderful stories.
This may not sound like anything great nowadays where even the smallest kids dabble around online and soon have access to fandom, other people to share their interests with, they discover forums where they can share their art and writing with, discover fanfiction. But then, in 1994, these things didn't exist. People like me were freaks. I never knew anybody else who was like me, who spent their days thinking up stories about people who didn't exist, who drew comics and wanted to become a Marvel artist, who was dreaming about fantasy worlds and novels and stories. I felt pretty much alone. It wasn't until years later that I got my first internet connection and realized there were other people like me.
So in a way, I discovered this all by myself. And it was wonderful. And it was all thanks to Joshua that this happened. For some time, he was pretty popular around here and I collected all his interviews, clippings from magazines, recorded his interviews. I was delighted to find what a great guy he was. Spiritual, in tune with himself and with nature, sensitive. He thought about the same things I did, I loved nature, animals, the Gods... I just wanted to be like him. I wanted to be a writer, an artist, wanted to draw comics about his songs, write them into stories and I wanted him to see it and tell me they're good. Typical fangirliness, I know. But oh, it was magnificent.
A year later, he put out his second record, Delilah Blue, which was totally different from the first one. The first one had been a bit of easy listening, if you want to call it that way. Soft melodies, piano, pleasing tunes. The second was so different. It was more experimental, with gospel elements and often very boastful and loud instrumentation. I was a bit put off at first. Also, he had cut off his nice long hair which I had adored so much! Outrageous! And he suddenly sported this weird fake leopard print suit and sunglasses on the cover. What was that?!? I felt a bit betrayed, as if he had suddenly succumbed to music business and become one of the "cool guys".
Still, I gave it a chance. I had one of my first jobs then and I had long periods where I sat in some office, secluded from everyone else, and had to sort through endless stacks of files. I listened to his CD then and guess what? It happened all over again. Once I had gotten over the initial shock I managed to get into the music again, feel the stories the songs tried to tell me and it was wonderful. One song that moved me especially and that will always be special to me is the eponymous "Delilah Blue". Even now I still share it with friends and ask them to share their thoughts with me, tell me what they thought of it, who they thought the characters were etc.
Every year or so I start again, trying to put this song into a story or a comic, and every year I fail. I guess I never will. In a way it's funny. When I think about it, the internet has made me both more and less creative. More in terms of my writing. I had always hidden my writing from everyone when I was growing up. After a bad experience I had started feeling embarrassed about it and didn't want to share it anymore. When I embarked on that crazy ride that is fandom in the internet, I soon found kindred spirits and found out just how gratifying and enriching an experience it is to share your stories with someone else, receive comments, feedback, new ideas. So, that was great.
But in turn I have basically completely buried my aspirations to be an artist. Why? Because I saw just how much I sucked. I saw that there were people, years younger than I was and already at a level of skill that I could only dream of achieving. So I guess I just gave up. When I was still oblivious to all those people out there I could at least pretend I was special and talented. Now it's clear to see that I'm not. Most of the time I don't care. But sometimes, just sometimes... I look back and get really sad. I find these old comics I did. I used to draw tons of comics about songs that inspired me, and they weren't really all that bad! But nowadays I guess I won't do them anymore. And if I did I'd never show anyone because I'd know that about 50 million people are better than me. When I think of "Delilah Blue" that makes me very sad...
But I digress! Anyway, these two albums were just very special to me and I listened to them a whole lot. After that, things got a bit quiet around Josh. I'm not really sure what he did, where he went. Knowing him he probably travelled the world, played the piano at bars, wrote books... I know that he went to university in London at some point, studied music. I remember in my early days of "internetdom" that he was one of the first things I looked up and I found a website then where he said something to the effect of "Acadamia once again proves not to be my thing". But the memory is dodgy there. Things got quiet and I moved on a bit, too. In my taste in music, in the kind of person I was.
I met Li around that time, 1997 or so and I went to visit her for the first time around that time, I think. Would need to check dates to be sure. I probably visited her around 1999 in Orlando for the first time. Around that time I had found out that Joshua had self-published two new albums and you could order them relatively inexpensively from some website, but they'd only ship within the US. So I had them shipped to Li's place and she gave them to me when we met. That was "Saturday Night in Storyville" and "Troubadour in a Timequake". Those albums were back to roots again and I loved them. But I will admit, I had already moved on then and hadn't obsessed over them as much as I would have years before, no doubt.
He also published a book around that time then. "17 Ways to Eat a Mango". I remember seeing it listed at amazon then and I had been a bit put off by the price, 25$ which had been a lot for me then and since I wasn't all that much into him anymore then I decided to not get it. Now, of course, I regret it. I wish I had gotten it then, because right now I'm dying to leaf through it, read it, touch it... but the book has long since been out of print and only sells for horrendous prices on ebay and the like. Chance missed, I guess. *sighs*
I kept checking back on him online occasionally. He dropped off the face of the earth for a while. Then he popped up again around 2001 with a new album, "Vanishing America", which sadly was just a rehash of the songs from his self-published albums. That was a bit disappointing, but I got it anyway and I watched him on TV and smiled, remembering how it was when he and I had this torrid love affair that only I knew about.
Last year, he finally got a decent website again, but quite obviously he's smarter than I am and doesn't let the internet dominate every aspect of his being, so he hardly ever updates on it. When he does, it always makes me smile and remember the good times we had. He's also published a batch of songs online and I've burnt them to CD and added them to my collection. I wonder why he doesn't publish them "properly" but I'm sure he has his reasons. He always does.
Last fall I saw that he was actually going to give a concert very close to where I live. But I didn't have the money to buy the ticket and the energy to go there. I wonder if that's going to be another thing I'm going to end up regretting.
I don't know if that really explains anything at all, but at least it felt good to write this all down. A walk down memory lane in a way. It's good to remember which people were important to you in your life and a huge influence, even if you never talked to them.
It's always difficult to explain to people what Joshua Kadison means to me. When you don't know him, don't know what kind of things he said and wrote, what kind of a person he is and what his music does to people, you don't really understand it. You probably just hear slightly smoopy music accompanied by some piano playing and an overly dramatic voice at times. And yet... to me he's so much more.
I discovered him... hm, in 1994, I think. Yeah, pretty much. He had just put out his first record and appeared on some television show. I hadn't heard of him yet. I was an avid MTV watcher at that time and had never seen him there. Dad asked me who he is and I said "Dunno... not MTV quality, obviously." Then I listened to him play... and it was as if I fell in love. The song just spoke to me, opened my heart and showed me a world of things I had never seen before.
The next day I went to the record store to check out his CD. Yes! The old fashion way. You know, when you're a teenager with no money and nobody had internet yet then. So you actually went to the store, grabbed the CD from the shelf and asked the clerk to let you listen to it. So I stood there with my headphones on, straining to listen to the music through the booming baseline of some rap song.
"Jessie" was the first track, the one I had heard the night before, so I skipped it. The next one was "Painted Desert Serenade" and as I listened to it I just started grinning, grinning like a fool because the song was so sweet and it just made this entire story pop up inside my head. It was as if I was looking at a wonderful painting, walking barefoot across the beach and watching an emotional movie, all at the same time. The next track was "Beau's All Night Radio Love Line", and again, the same thing. It just went on and on, it was addictive and I just couldn't get enough of it.
Needless to say, I took the record home with me and listened to it all the time. Haha... I still had a desk in my room then where I sat to do homework and stuff. I kept doodling things on the desktop notepad, kept writing along with the lyrics, sketching out things... and before I knew it, these notes had become stories. Wonderful stories.
This may not sound like anything great nowadays where even the smallest kids dabble around online and soon have access to fandom, other people to share their interests with, they discover forums where they can share their art and writing with, discover fanfiction. But then, in 1994, these things didn't exist. People like me were freaks. I never knew anybody else who was like me, who spent their days thinking up stories about people who didn't exist, who drew comics and wanted to become a Marvel artist, who was dreaming about fantasy worlds and novels and stories. I felt pretty much alone. It wasn't until years later that I got my first internet connection and realized there were other people like me.
So in a way, I discovered this all by myself. And it was wonderful. And it was all thanks to Joshua that this happened. For some time, he was pretty popular around here and I collected all his interviews, clippings from magazines, recorded his interviews. I was delighted to find what a great guy he was. Spiritual, in tune with himself and with nature, sensitive. He thought about the same things I did, I loved nature, animals, the Gods... I just wanted to be like him. I wanted to be a writer, an artist, wanted to draw comics about his songs, write them into stories and I wanted him to see it and tell me they're good. Typical fangirliness, I know. But oh, it was magnificent.
A year later, he put out his second record, Delilah Blue, which was totally different from the first one. The first one had been a bit of easy listening, if you want to call it that way. Soft melodies, piano, pleasing tunes. The second was so different. It was more experimental, with gospel elements and often very boastful and loud instrumentation. I was a bit put off at first. Also, he had cut off his nice long hair which I had adored so much! Outrageous! And he suddenly sported this weird fake leopard print suit and sunglasses on the cover. What was that?!? I felt a bit betrayed, as if he had suddenly succumbed to music business and become one of the "cool guys".
Still, I gave it a chance. I had one of my first jobs then and I had long periods where I sat in some office, secluded from everyone else, and had to sort through endless stacks of files. I listened to his CD then and guess what? It happened all over again. Once I had gotten over the initial shock I managed to get into the music again, feel the stories the songs tried to tell me and it was wonderful. One song that moved me especially and that will always be special to me is the eponymous "Delilah Blue". Even now I still share it with friends and ask them to share their thoughts with me, tell me what they thought of it, who they thought the characters were etc.
Every year or so I start again, trying to put this song into a story or a comic, and every year I fail. I guess I never will. In a way it's funny. When I think about it, the internet has made me both more and less creative. More in terms of my writing. I had always hidden my writing from everyone when I was growing up. After a bad experience I had started feeling embarrassed about it and didn't want to share it anymore. When I embarked on that crazy ride that is fandom in the internet, I soon found kindred spirits and found out just how gratifying and enriching an experience it is to share your stories with someone else, receive comments, feedback, new ideas. So, that was great.
But in turn I have basically completely buried my aspirations to be an artist. Why? Because I saw just how much I sucked. I saw that there were people, years younger than I was and already at a level of skill that I could only dream of achieving. So I guess I just gave up. When I was still oblivious to all those people out there I could at least pretend I was special and talented. Now it's clear to see that I'm not. Most of the time I don't care. But sometimes, just sometimes... I look back and get really sad. I find these old comics I did. I used to draw tons of comics about songs that inspired me, and they weren't really all that bad! But nowadays I guess I won't do them anymore. And if I did I'd never show anyone because I'd know that about 50 million people are better than me. When I think of "Delilah Blue" that makes me very sad...
But I digress! Anyway, these two albums were just very special to me and I listened to them a whole lot. After that, things got a bit quiet around Josh. I'm not really sure what he did, where he went. Knowing him he probably travelled the world, played the piano at bars, wrote books... I know that he went to university in London at some point, studied music. I remember in my early days of "internetdom" that he was one of the first things I looked up and I found a website then where he said something to the effect of "Acadamia once again proves not to be my thing". But the memory is dodgy there. Things got quiet and I moved on a bit, too. In my taste in music, in the kind of person I was.
I met Li around that time, 1997 or so and I went to visit her for the first time around that time, I think. Would need to check dates to be sure. I probably visited her around 1999 in Orlando for the first time. Around that time I had found out that Joshua had self-published two new albums and you could order them relatively inexpensively from some website, but they'd only ship within the US. So I had them shipped to Li's place and she gave them to me when we met. That was "Saturday Night in Storyville" and "Troubadour in a Timequake". Those albums were back to roots again and I loved them. But I will admit, I had already moved on then and hadn't obsessed over them as much as I would have years before, no doubt.
He also published a book around that time then. "17 Ways to Eat a Mango". I remember seeing it listed at amazon then and I had been a bit put off by the price, 25$ which had been a lot for me then and since I wasn't all that much into him anymore then I decided to not get it. Now, of course, I regret it. I wish I had gotten it then, because right now I'm dying to leaf through it, read it, touch it... but the book has long since been out of print and only sells for horrendous prices on ebay and the like. Chance missed, I guess. *sighs*
I kept checking back on him online occasionally. He dropped off the face of the earth for a while. Then he popped up again around 2001 with a new album, "Vanishing America", which sadly was just a rehash of the songs from his self-published albums. That was a bit disappointing, but I got it anyway and I watched him on TV and smiled, remembering how it was when he and I had this torrid love affair that only I knew about.
Last year, he finally got a decent website again, but quite obviously he's smarter than I am and doesn't let the internet dominate every aspect of his being, so he hardly ever updates on it. When he does, it always makes me smile and remember the good times we had. He's also published a batch of songs online and I've burnt them to CD and added them to my collection. I wonder why he doesn't publish them "properly" but I'm sure he has his reasons. He always does.
Last fall I saw that he was actually going to give a concert very close to where I live. But I didn't have the money to buy the ticket and the energy to go there. I wonder if that's going to be another thing I'm going to end up regretting.
I don't know if that really explains anything at all, but at least it felt good to write this all down. A walk down memory lane in a way. It's good to remember which people were important to you in your life and a huge influence, even if you never talked to them.
