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Jan. 25th, 2003
Still feeling bad about the accident... T_T I never wanted Tiny Bronco to be damaged... and now look at him... my poor car... Granted, it doesn't look that bad on first glance, but still... *meows*
I hate driving... I hate cars... I hate highways and stupid people... and most of all, I hate money. Money always makes you feel bad and troubled. *sighs*
I hate driving... I hate cars... I hate highways and stupid people... and most of all, I hate money. Money always makes you feel bad and troubled. *sighs*
The discussion today made me think of my own spirituality. As we where discussing I thought about how my belief reflects my personality. I've been troubled spiritually all my life. Ever since I have started to develop a mind of my own about such things I have been searching. Searching for the right thing to believe in. I've read up on this and that, different religions and cultures. I've always had a deep fascination with mythology. I was wishing back the old Gods. I wanted to worship Thor, Freya, Bragi and Loki (yes, even him), Apollo, Athene and Demeter…
Why? Because I loved the multitude of these Gods. Their stories, their "humanness" in a way. They made mistakes, they were angry, they loved, hated, desired. I liked the idea of someone powerful who could still fail. And I also liked that those Gods expressed themselves through art, music, poetry. I was missing that in the belief I was brought up in. But of course I realized those Gods were gone. Long gone… I was searching for stories, for legends that confirmed that they still existed… but somehow it was clear that they were gone. I was sad.
I kept looking. I read up on Buddhism, but it never really caught on for me. Whereas I found the teachings inspiring and certainly true, I realized that I needed a Divine Being I could feel safe with. Then I found Krishna and I submerged in studying him. He was fascinating, his teachings, the legends around him and also his looks. All Hindu Gods gave me this inexplicable feeling of awe when I looked at their brilliant blue skin, red palms and rich decoration. I felt their Godliness. In the Bhagavad-Gita he says,
Jesus. I admired him for what he means to the world now, regardless of what he might have been in reality. A very trivial reason for manifesting my belief in him was the musical Jesus Christ Superstar. Up till then I thought I didn't really believe in Jesus. It was long before I even started looking beyond what I was taught. I thought there can only be God and nobody else. No virgin, no saints. A human son made no sense.
Then I started listening to the words of this musical and I began to understand Jesus. What a fighter he was, how troubled he was by the people suddenly starting to see him as the Messiah, following him. How he hated his destiny and didn't understand why he of all people had been chosen to fulfil it. He didn't understand his own significance, was scared and insecure. And I felt sympathy for Judas who only wanted to change things and felt betrayed and abandoned as Jesus began to matter more than all the things he said. Judas was jealous of the people who got Jesus' attention now and it led him to betray the man he loved the most.
All these things I understood now, and I understood the concept of incarnation as well. The concept of Divine Energy. After all these years of reading and searching I finally understood. God isn't one person. God is a Supreme Being, a force superior to everything and everyone. God is merely a word of convenience for this Supreme Being. No one can say they don't believe in God, because no matter what they believe in it is this Supreme Being and it takes the form of whatever makes you most comfortable with. All the Gods I loved and worshipped, they all were there and they all were okay. There is monotheism, but there's also polytheism. There's every single deity ever in existence. This Superior Being is Krishna and Apollo and the Christian God and Thor and Allah and Jesus and the Archangels and Osiris and everyone else. I stopped looking now, stopped trying to find the ultimate religion. I realized it all was good and it all was true.
After this long digression I return to my original thought which was that my belief reflects my personality. I think this long and winding road to what I believe now had a fundamental part in my development as a person. I see in my own example that the thing parents need to give to their children is a sense of spirituality. Raising a child without the concept of religion will inevitably lead to a general lack of receptivity and understanding when it comes to such things. I'm glad my mother at least tried to make me Protestant, because this gave me an invaluable basis to grow and progress the way I did. I have a basic set of morals developed through a sense of right and wrong that I earned by reading so many different teachings. I'm very grateful for that.
Why? Because I loved the multitude of these Gods. Their stories, their "humanness" in a way. They made mistakes, they were angry, they loved, hated, desired. I liked the idea of someone powerful who could still fail. And I also liked that those Gods expressed themselves through art, music, poetry. I was missing that in the belief I was brought up in. But of course I realized those Gods were gone. Long gone… I was searching for stories, for legends that confirmed that they still existed… but somehow it was clear that they were gone. I was sad.
I kept looking. I read up on Buddhism, but it never really caught on for me. Whereas I found the teachings inspiring and certainly true, I realized that I needed a Divine Being I could feel safe with. Then I found Krishna and I submerged in studying him. He was fascinating, his teachings, the legends around him and also his looks. All Hindu Gods gave me this inexplicable feeling of awe when I looked at their brilliant blue skin, red palms and rich decoration. I felt their Godliness. In the Bhagavad-Gita he says,
"There is nothing superior to Me. Everything existing is connected to Me like pearls on a thread. I am the sweetness of flavor in water; the radiant luster of the sun and the moon; the primordial root syllable Om within all the Vedas; the subsonic element of sound in ether and the ability in man. I am the original fragrance in the Earth, the brilliance in blazing fire and the vitality of all beings; I am tolerance in those who perform austerities." (7:7-9)Later on he says,
"Whichever demigod a particular devotee desires with faith to worship, I surely sustain firmly that faith in him. Endowed with that firm faith the devotee executes worship of this demigod and sanctioned by Me solely obtains that which he desired from that demigod." (7:21-22)I was deeply moved by this. It was a concept I had never really considered until then. Could it be that even though I might worship a certain deity I am in fact worshipping something superior to that without being aware of it? I didn't understand that thought fully yet then, but I harbored it in my heart. I soon realized that whereas Lord Krishna had my deepest admiration I could not handle his worshippers whose policies I rejected. But I held him there and I kept looking.
Jesus. I admired him for what he means to the world now, regardless of what he might have been in reality. A very trivial reason for manifesting my belief in him was the musical Jesus Christ Superstar. Up till then I thought I didn't really believe in Jesus. It was long before I even started looking beyond what I was taught. I thought there can only be God and nobody else. No virgin, no saints. A human son made no sense.
Then I started listening to the words of this musical and I began to understand Jesus. What a fighter he was, how troubled he was by the people suddenly starting to see him as the Messiah, following him. How he hated his destiny and didn't understand why he of all people had been chosen to fulfil it. He didn't understand his own significance, was scared and insecure. And I felt sympathy for Judas who only wanted to change things and felt betrayed and abandoned as Jesus began to matter more than all the things he said. Judas was jealous of the people who got Jesus' attention now and it led him to betray the man he loved the most.
All these things I understood now, and I understood the concept of incarnation as well. The concept of Divine Energy. After all these years of reading and searching I finally understood. God isn't one person. God is a Supreme Being, a force superior to everything and everyone. God is merely a word of convenience for this Supreme Being. No one can say they don't believe in God, because no matter what they believe in it is this Supreme Being and it takes the form of whatever makes you most comfortable with. All the Gods I loved and worshipped, they all were there and they all were okay. There is monotheism, but there's also polytheism. There's every single deity ever in existence. This Superior Being is Krishna and Apollo and the Christian God and Thor and Allah and Jesus and the Archangels and Osiris and everyone else. I stopped looking now, stopped trying to find the ultimate religion. I realized it all was good and it all was true.
After this long digression I return to my original thought which was that my belief reflects my personality. I think this long and winding road to what I believe now had a fundamental part in my development as a person. I see in my own example that the thing parents need to give to their children is a sense of spirituality. Raising a child without the concept of religion will inevitably lead to a general lack of receptivity and understanding when it comes to such things. I'm glad my mother at least tried to make me Protestant, because this gave me an invaluable basis to grow and progress the way I did. I have a basic set of morals developed through a sense of right and wrong that I earned by reading so many different teachings. I'm very grateful for that.
Objects in The Rear View Mirror (May Appear Closer Than They Are)
Meatloaf
Meatloaf
The skies were pure and the fields were greenGod I love that song... it's one of the first fannish full-length stories I've ever written. Jessie was the first.
The sun was brighter than it's ever been
When I grew up with my best friend Kenny
We were close as any brothers that you ever knew
It was always summer and the future called
We were ready for adventures and we wanted them all
And there was so much left to dream
And so much time to make it real
But I can still recall the sting of all the tears when he was gone
They said he crashed and burned
I know I'll never learn why any boy should die so young
We were racing - we were soldiers of fortune
We got in trouble but we sure got around
There are times I think I see him peeling out of the dark
I think he's right behind me now and he's gaining ground!
But it was long ago and it was far away
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway - then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And when the sun descended and the night arose
I heard my father cursing everyone he knows
He was dangerous and drunk and defeated
And corroded by failure and envy and hate
There were endless winters and the dreams would freeze
Nowhere to hide and no leaves on the trees
And my father's eyes were blank as he hit me again and again and again
I know I still believe he'd never let me leave
I had to run away alone
So many threats and fears - so many wasted years
Before my life became my own
And though the nightmares should be over
Now some of the terrors are still intact
I'll hear that ugly coarse and violent voice
And then he grabs me from behind and then he pulls me back!
But it was long ago and it was far away
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway - then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
There was a beauty living on the edge of town
She always put the top up and the hammer down
And she taught me everything I'll ever know
About the mystery and the muscle of love
The stars would glimmer and the moon would glow
I'm in the back seat with my Julie like a Romeo
And the signs along the highway all said
"Caution! Kids, At play!"
Those were the rights of spring and we did everything -
There was salvation every night
We got our dreams reborn and our upholstery torn
But everything we tried was right
She used her body just like a bandage
She used my body just like a wound
I'll probably never know where she disappeared
But I can see her rising up out of the back seat now
Just like an angel rising up from a tomb!
But it was long ago and it was far away
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway - then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
And objects in the rearview mirror may appear closer than they are
She used her body just like a bandage
She used my body just like a wound
I'll probably never know where she disappeared
But I can see her rising up out of the back seat now ...