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I just saw the worst movie ever!
Witchouse! (yes, that's how it's spelled)
Seven teenagers get stuck in an old mansion and suddenly find themselves facing a nightmare in the form of a random witch who just so happens to be the ancestor of one of the teens. Clichée girl #1, thus dubbed Gothic teen, realizes her 300 year old pledge for revenge. Insert Horror Plot (TM).
[spoilers follow... like you care]
Further clichée teens include: Brainy Girl (who gets one close-up at the end which reveals her to be drop-dead gorgeous actually), Sexy Girl (who gives a bunch of perky comments and is so tough, like... you know), aforementioned Gothic Girl, Sexy Stud #1 and #2, one of which dates Sexy Girl and Brainy Guy (of course he doesn't date Brainy Guy! Now that would have been too nice...). *counts* I missed one. Oh never mind!
So, Gothic Teen finds out she's the decendant of some witch (Lilith, complete with crappy make-up that puts the Buffy vampires to shame and some sort of pseudo scary distorted voice that reminds you of Kermit on crack) who suddenly rises from the dead, starts killing most of the kids who then randomly turn into ghoulish creatures when they were all fine just two minutes ago. Sexy Stud #2 (or was it #1? Who cares!) gets the gory special effect, ooooooh, by having his head ripped off in a fashion that makes his neck look like this: I^^^^I. They must have been out of fake blood though since even though Brainy Girl was "bleeding like a pig" there wasn't even a stain on her jacket.
All but the Brainy Teens turn into ghouls or have their heads ripped off, when Brainy Guy suddenly realizes the whole story, faces the witch with his sudden knowledge ("I shall burn this book and then you can't take over the world like you planned all along!!") and defeats the witch by putting electric wires into her body, making her (and the ghouls) go POIGHT!!! Then Gothic Girll comes in, pledges everlasting revenge which is immediately prevented by Brainy Girl who steps out from behind the Brainy Guy, announces she's the decendant of the baby that was supposed to be sacrificed 300 years ago ("Do you remember..?") and kills Gothic Girl with some pendant she produced out of nowhere. Brainy Girl and Guy embrace ("Shut up and kiss me!"). The End.
Brain damage after only 65 mins.: severe. Good thing it wasn't the standard 90 mins.
I think having my wisdom teeth removed hurt less. This story makes no sense whatsoever. It's not even funny to watch, it's just painfully bad. Don't waste your time. Watch the news instead, that's scarier!
Witchouse! (yes, that's how it's spelled)
Seven teenagers get stuck in an old mansion and suddenly find themselves facing a nightmare in the form of a random witch who just so happens to be the ancestor of one of the teens. Clichée girl #1, thus dubbed Gothic teen, realizes her 300 year old pledge for revenge. Insert Horror Plot (TM).
[spoilers follow... like you care]
Further clichée teens include: Brainy Girl (who gets one close-up at the end which reveals her to be drop-dead gorgeous actually), Sexy Girl (who gives a bunch of perky comments and is so tough, like... you know), aforementioned Gothic Girl, Sexy Stud #1 and #2, one of which dates Sexy Girl and Brainy Guy (of course he doesn't date Brainy Guy! Now that would have been too nice...). *counts* I missed one. Oh never mind!
So, Gothic Teen finds out she's the decendant of some witch (Lilith, complete with crappy make-up that puts the Buffy vampires to shame and some sort of pseudo scary distorted voice that reminds you of Kermit on crack) who suddenly rises from the dead, starts killing most of the kids who then randomly turn into ghoulish creatures when they were all fine just two minutes ago. Sexy Stud #2 (or was it #1? Who cares!) gets the gory special effect, ooooooh, by having his head ripped off in a fashion that makes his neck look like this: I^^^^I. They must have been out of fake blood though since even though Brainy Girl was "bleeding like a pig" there wasn't even a stain on her jacket.
All but the Brainy Teens turn into ghouls or have their heads ripped off, when Brainy Guy suddenly realizes the whole story, faces the witch with his sudden knowledge ("I shall burn this book and then you can't take over the world like you planned all along!!") and defeats the witch by putting electric wires into her body, making her (and the ghouls) go POIGHT!!! Then Gothic Girll comes in, pledges everlasting revenge which is immediately prevented by Brainy Girl who steps out from behind the Brainy Guy, announces she's the decendant of the baby that was supposed to be sacrificed 300 years ago ("Do you remember..?") and kills Gothic Girl with some pendant she produced out of nowhere. Brainy Girl and Guy embrace ("Shut up and kiss me!"). The End.
Brain damage after only 65 mins.: severe. Good thing it wasn't the standard 90 mins.
I think having my wisdom teeth removed hurt less. This story makes no sense whatsoever. It's not even funny to watch, it's just painfully bad. Don't waste your time. Watch the news instead, that's scarier!
