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Oct. 6th, 2001
I dreamt about Alex last night. I told her all the things I wanted to tell her and she told me all there was to say. Like, she was dating a black girl now! o_O Weird idea. And that she had another girlfriend before that. So, I kinda missed two girlfriends. And about her job and all that. We talked about everything...
Sometimes I think I am a bad friend. Maybe I don't give people enough support. I sometimes think that. Like... when she wanted to go to Japan. I wasn't supportive. I told her that she'd never make it (well, not like that, but indirectly). And I really thought that. I tend to give my own insecurities over to my friends... that's bad.
Like, I don't rate my own stuff very highly. It's always not as good as others, to me, because... well, it's mine. I see the chances to ever have someone acknowledge what I do equal zero. It just seems... weird. Why should something that *I* have done ever be published? Doesn't make sense. Besides, I'm rational, I know how marginal the chances are, yadda-yadda. That's me.
Now, I tend to give that feeling to my friends, I believe. That's not good. Like, my girlfriend's comic. God, she's good. She really is. But... not good enough. I'm saying that completely objective now. It's just not publishing material yet. She's getting there, but she's not quite there yet. She has a way too unprofessional working style for that. I just can't see anyone wanted to publish it the way it is now, with bad lettering and obviously badly drawn panel borders etc.
Plus, she wants to do manga. Now, how likely is that? She could never compete with the Japanese market. She can't even speak Japanese enough to make it completely in Japanese, nor does she master comic tones or anything. She doesn't draw the panels right to left either, for that matter.
So, all that tells me that there's no chance in hell this is ever going to be published. And she's killing herself over it! I try to be supportive, but deep inside I don't think this'll ever lead anywhere. I mean, I know everyone has started somewhere. I bet the greatest mangaka have started like that. But that's all it is yet. A start. And... that's what it is to me.
But maybe I should be more supportive? Believe that it'll always have the best results? I wonder if I can do that...
I should have the same belief in my own stuff. Like, I wouldn't dare to publish any of my comics, just because they don't meet my own standards. I have drawn comics all my life. I've always wanted to be a comic artist, as long as I can think. But yet I've never pursued it. I've always seen people who are so much better than me, so why even bother trying? But then again I see people who just go for it, throw out their stuff, even though some drawings are screwed and the perspective weird here and there. And it's still great! Because it's unique and the idea is right.
I wish I had that confidence...
Sometimes I think I am a bad friend. Maybe I don't give people enough support. I sometimes think that. Like... when she wanted to go to Japan. I wasn't supportive. I told her that she'd never make it (well, not like that, but indirectly). And I really thought that. I tend to give my own insecurities over to my friends... that's bad.
Like, I don't rate my own stuff very highly. It's always not as good as others, to me, because... well, it's mine. I see the chances to ever have someone acknowledge what I do equal zero. It just seems... weird. Why should something that *I* have done ever be published? Doesn't make sense. Besides, I'm rational, I know how marginal the chances are, yadda-yadda. That's me.
Now, I tend to give that feeling to my friends, I believe. That's not good. Like, my girlfriend's comic. God, she's good. She really is. But... not good enough. I'm saying that completely objective now. It's just not publishing material yet. She's getting there, but she's not quite there yet. She has a way too unprofessional working style for that. I just can't see anyone wanted to publish it the way it is now, with bad lettering and obviously badly drawn panel borders etc.
Plus, she wants to do manga. Now, how likely is that? She could never compete with the Japanese market. She can't even speak Japanese enough to make it completely in Japanese, nor does she master comic tones or anything. She doesn't draw the panels right to left either, for that matter.
So, all that tells me that there's no chance in hell this is ever going to be published. And she's killing herself over it! I try to be supportive, but deep inside I don't think this'll ever lead anywhere. I mean, I know everyone has started somewhere. I bet the greatest mangaka have started like that. But that's all it is yet. A start. And... that's what it is to me.
But maybe I should be more supportive? Believe that it'll always have the best results? I wonder if I can do that...
I should have the same belief in my own stuff. Like, I wouldn't dare to publish any of my comics, just because they don't meet my own standards. I have drawn comics all my life. I've always wanted to be a comic artist, as long as I can think. But yet I've never pursued it. I've always seen people who are so much better than me, so why even bother trying? But then again I see people who just go for it, throw out their stuff, even though some drawings are screwed and the perspective weird here and there. And it's still great! Because it's unique and the idea is right.
I wish I had that confidence...
A G 5 feeling...
Oct. 6th, 2001 01:23 pmLately, I feel like something is pressing down on me. Hard. Like an unbearable weight. It's pressing on my bones, my knees, my head and neck... it's squeezing my heart, too, and by throat so I can't talk. Like I was in a Gravity 5 environment.
Wouldn't that mean that - should this feeling leave again - I'll be feeling a lot lighter and happier? Like I was in zero gravity? I hope so... I sure hope so.
I want to be light-headed again.
Wouldn't that mean that - should this feeling leave again - I'll be feeling a lot lighter and happier? Like I was in zero gravity? I hope so... I sure hope so.
I want to be light-headed again.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2001 01:45 pmHm, my computer keeps giving bluescreens and I don't know why.
Will go now. Out for a joyride.
Another note to self, need better grumpy userpic. This one sucks bunnies.
Will go now. Out for a joyride.
Another note to self, need better grumpy userpic. This one sucks bunnies.
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2001 03:32 pmI know the right thing to make me feel better again:
Anime. Lots of. Yup.
Anime. Lots of. Yup.
Petshop of Horrors
Oct. 6th, 2001 03:49 pmI'm downloading the OVA now. Coolies. I found a way to use Download Accelerator with streamload after all. I just had to interrupt the current download, thus produce a broken download report. This leads to a direct link which I can use with DA. The end effect is that I'm now downloading 387.60 MB with a speed of 60 KB/sec. It'll take about 2 hours. That's fair, I think. Plus, I can resume, should I have to switch off the computer for some reason. Very cool. Before that, I only got around 10 KB when trying to download on the normal Streamload way. That sucked big time! The later you started your download, the slower it got! The rest of Yami no Matsuei I had to download with less than 5KB! >_<
Okay, gonna paint now, I guess.
Okay, gonna paint now, I guess.
Current playlist to color Venetian guy
Oct. 6th, 2001 04:09 pmglobe - Departure
Final Fantasy 7 - Cid's Theme
Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne - Shanza - Piece of Love-opening
Linkin Park - My December
Richard Sanderson - Reality
Lou Reed - Perfect Day
Collective Soul - Long Way to Run
Thomas D feat. Nina Hagen - Solo
Weiß - Koyasu & Seki - Bosanova, Casanova
To Destination - Eden
Malice Mizer - Au Revoir
Malice Mizer - Color me Blood Red
Garth Brooks - When You Come Back To Me Again
Bush - Machinehead
Gackt - Ares (live)
Gackt - To Feel The Fire
Yami no Matsuei - Love Me
Cindy Lauper - Bizarre Love Triangle
David Bowie - Five Years
David Bowie - Heroes
Dragon Ball Z - Cha-La Head-Cha-La
New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle
Queen - It's a Hard Life
Rio Reiser - König von Deutschland
Westernhagen - Wieder Hier
hide - Tell Me
Tristania - Pale Enchantress
Cook da books - Your Eyes
Tim McGraw - Something Like That
Commercial Breakup - Bizarre Love Triangle
Savage Garden - I Dont Know You Anymore
Gackt - Saikai ~Story~
Gackt - ~Seki-Ray~ [strings arrange]
X Japan - Crucify My Love (Violin Instrumental Version).mp3
Final Fantasy 7 - Cid's Theme
Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne - Shanza - Piece of Love-opening
Linkin Park - My December
Richard Sanderson - Reality
Lou Reed - Perfect Day
Collective Soul - Long Way to Run
Thomas D feat. Nina Hagen - Solo
Weiß - Koyasu & Seki - Bosanova, Casanova
To Destination - Eden
Malice Mizer - Au Revoir
Malice Mizer - Color me Blood Red
Garth Brooks - When You Come Back To Me Again
Bush - Machinehead
Gackt - Ares (live)
Gackt - To Feel The Fire
Yami no Matsuei - Love Me
Cindy Lauper - Bizarre Love Triangle
David Bowie - Five Years
David Bowie - Heroes
Dragon Ball Z - Cha-La Head-Cha-La
New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle
Queen - It's a Hard Life
Rio Reiser - König von Deutschland
Westernhagen - Wieder Hier
hide - Tell Me
Tristania - Pale Enchantress
Cook da books - Your Eyes
Tim McGraw - Something Like That
Commercial Breakup - Bizarre Love Triangle
Savage Garden - I Dont Know You Anymore
Gackt - Saikai ~Story~
Gackt - ~Seki-Ray~ [strings arrange]
X Japan - Crucify My Love (Violin Instrumental Version).mp3
(no subject)
Oct. 6th, 2001 04:46 pmMy computer is slowing down with too many applications. I can't operate Photoshop AND use my Wacom AND listen to music AND download. Photoshop with Wacom and dl is too much already. So, what can I do? Dl and listen to music. Hmpf.
My arm is hurting really bad right now. I took some painkillers. Maybe this will work.
And even my cat rejects me... this sucks.
My arm is hurting really bad right now. I took some painkillers. Maybe this will work.
And even my cat rejects me... this sucks.
Yeeeeeeeeiiiih!
Oct. 6th, 2001 06:17 pmPetshop of Horrors! I can't believe that it actually worked! Now I've acquired myself all of the OVAs in less than 2 hours. Sweet deal! Can't watch them right now though. I need to work.
I'm still feeling sick. Sometimes I wonder... Okay, I shouldn't be thinking this. But when my granny got sicks of cancer, she always complained about aching joints, and all that.... but of course this is silly. It's something else, I'm sure. But still. Gets me thinking...
Waiting for the Gackt to finish now, then I'll continue coloring. Girlfriend called. She'll be on sooner than we initially said. Fine with me. I hope we get to write a bit then. I should have pieced together the story parts, but I didn't... I was too busy with the coloring. Ack... Well, later then. And I need to finish Lux/Val.
I'm still kinda miffed that gf hasn't mailed after telling me I was only writing short mails. Ah well. Get over it.
Gonna have tea now.
I'm still feeling sick. Sometimes I wonder... Okay, I shouldn't be thinking this. But when my granny got sicks of cancer, she always complained about aching joints, and all that.... but of course this is silly. It's something else, I'm sure. But still. Gets me thinking...
Waiting for the Gackt to finish now, then I'll continue coloring. Girlfriend called. She'll be on sooner than we initially said. Fine with me. I hope we get to write a bit then. I should have pieced together the story parts, but I didn't... I was too busy with the coloring. Ack... Well, later then. And I need to finish Lux/Val.
I'm still kinda miffed that gf hasn't mailed after telling me I was only writing short mails. Ah well. Get over it.
Gonna have tea now.
Another convert?
Oct. 6th, 2001 06:45 pmThis is strange... I got this anonymous review this morning and kinda ignored it:
Following is the review just submitted to your story titled Uncontrollable Passions
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am sorry, but I don't think I like the idea of this sick humor! It is very well written, but I think you should use your talent on another idea! Atleas a girl/boy relationship please!!! - Why should you know?
Then, right now, I got this review, by the same person, I assume, to the last story of the series:
Following is the review just submitted to your story titled Burning Together
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WONDERFUL!!!!! that was great...wonderful....gosh, i wish i was older than...my tender age. i loved it. It was tastefully written, and really nicely done! beautiful...i normally don't love slash, but this was GREAT! - Wouldn't you like to know?
Isn't this just cute? *_*
Following is the review just submitted to your story titled Uncontrollable Passions
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am sorry, but I don't think I like the idea of this sick humor! It is very well written, but I think you should use your talent on another idea! Atleas a girl/boy relationship please!!! - Why should you know?
Then, right now, I got this review, by the same person, I assume, to the last story of the series:
Following is the review just submitted to your story titled Burning Together
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WONDERFUL!!!!! that was great...wonderful....gosh, i wish i was older than...my tender age. i loved it. It was tastefully written, and really nicely done! beautiful...i normally don't love slash, but this was GREAT! - Wouldn't you like to know?
Isn't this just cute? *_*
I'm so tired...
Oct. 6th, 2001 11:24 pmI'm feeling lonely and sad. Lately, nobody ever seems to be online. Nobody is talking to me, nobody cares for me. I'm so tired of it. Why can't I just stop caring?
This day has been utterly depressing and lonely. I really need a change in life. Sometimes I think I should just throw away the computer... I feel so useless andf this isn't helping any.
Everything is so cold.
This day has been utterly depressing and lonely. I really need a change in life. Sometimes I think I should just throw away the computer... I feel so useless andf this isn't helping any.
Everything is so cold.