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May. 17th, 2001
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May. 17th, 2001 12:24 amT_T
I hate it when I'm so bored. Then I get tired and frustrated and better be off going to bed before I do something stupid. And I could have stayed up late today since I only have classes in the afternoon tomorrow. :-(
Maybe I should go out tomorrow. Change of scene or something....
I hate it when I'm so bored. Then I get tired and frustrated and better be off going to bed before I do something stupid. And I could have stayed up late today since I only have classes in the afternoon tomorrow. :-(
Maybe I should go out tomorrow. Change of scene or something....
(no subject)
May. 17th, 2001 11:08 amSome people may not realize about my that I'm indeed a very sensitive person. I cannot stomach the feeling of rejection at all. It's the number one source for my depression. If I get the feeling that I've been rejected or excluded, no matter if it's true or not, it plunges me in a terrible depression. There are only two people in this world that I can forgive making me depressed. Any other person loses something in my eyes.
I can't help it. I'm insecure. If someone doesn't greet me back on the street I won't greet them next time, probably won't even look at them. If they invite their friends and forget about me, I will never ask them for a date again. If they say they're busy when I call them, I will never call again. It's not because I am angry with them for doing this to me, but because I fear their rejection. Thus, I won't give them another opportunity to do it to me. I have to protect myself.
Yesterday, I wanted to cut myself again. But I didn't do it. So, I guess that's a success. But I was writhing on my bed for half an hour, trying to fight the pain inside of me. I hate this feeling...
Maybe I should hide for a while...
I can't help it. I'm insecure. If someone doesn't greet me back on the street I won't greet them next time, probably won't even look at them. If they invite their friends and forget about me, I will never ask them for a date again. If they say they're busy when I call them, I will never call again. It's not because I am angry with them for doing this to me, but because I fear their rejection. Thus, I won't give them another opportunity to do it to me. I have to protect myself.
Yesterday, I wanted to cut myself again. But I didn't do it. So, I guess that's a success. But I was writhing on my bed for half an hour, trying to fight the pain inside of me. I hate this feeling...
Maybe I should hide for a while...
Bored, thus taking a survey from Melle
May. 17th, 2001 04:25 pmBeauty secret: no beauty, no secret.
I'm always carrying: a purse
In the tape deck: CD player in my car, right now various anime soundtracks
Top bookmarks: ff.net, thecounter.com, yahoo!groups site of FFN-Slashers Unite, LJ, imdb, amazon.com, a couple of personal pages... that's it.
Newspaper: no paper.
Alarm set for: various times between 7 and 11 AM.
First celebrity crush: *thinks hard* Pierre Cosso, maybe?
Childhood nickname: *coughs* Bifi.
First record bought: can't tell... too embarrassing.
Would you rather be hanged or beheaded? hanged, I've got a thing for strangling...
Lindsey McDonald or Alex Krycek? I love the ratboy.
Who is your favorite Beatle? George Harrison.
Ewan McGregor or Jude Law? Ewan, of course! *looks at his framed picture next to the TV*
What was the last book you read? The Front Runner by Patricia Nell Warren. Marvelous book. You all go read it.
Okay, do you consider boyband slash to be real person slash, or not? Hm, not sure. Somehow boybands create this kind of image around them that's hardly realistic. Hm, I guess, the net effect is: I don't care.
Drama or comedy? Drama.
Buffy or Cordelia? None, I hate them both, stupid bitches.
If you went to Caritas, what song would you sing? I no longer sing in public.
What was your favorite cartoon when you were a kid? *thinks* So many... Signor Rosse cerco la felicita, Galaxy Rangers, The Smurfs...
What is your favorite cartoon now? right now? this very moment? Digimon 02 and Spy Groove.
Gold or silver? Silver, of course. *smiles*
Charles Dickens or Ernest Hemingway? Ernest, because I know how he felt.
For love or money? for pride.
What is your biggest guilty pleasure? digging cross-generational stories.
If a woman were running for president and you didn't agree with her politics, would you vote for her anyway because she's a woman? nope.
Last night I dreamt that I received an IM on Napster by Fred Durst! o_O It had an exe-file attached to it and since I'm very careful with opening those, I wanted to run a virus check on it first. But my bro told me to open it right away. I did, my screen went black and suddenly my hard drive started working, deleting all my files. I panicked, but my bro just said "Oops" and walked away. Terrible!!! I woke up screaming!
This book...
May. 17th, 2001 07:16 pm... it's killing me. I've never experienced anything like that in my whole life. For three weeks now I'm moping around, trying to finish it, but I can't. It's torture, it makes me sick in the stomach to think of the end and yet I want to, so badly. It's a wonderful book, but it shakes me in a way I have never experienced before. I can't read it on the train anymore, because as soon as I read a couple of lines I'm crying my eyes out. I just read three pages and I can't stand it anymore. I'm crying right now, like an idiot. I'll never be able to finish this book, it's exhausting me emotionally. I don't want to let go either, because I know once it's finished I'll never pick it up again, because it will always make me cry again. I just hope I get over this, because this book is wonderful... I so wish I could discuss it with someone... I feel so alone right now...