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Last night was like a terrible dream...
Apr. 21st, 2001 02:45 pmMy heart was full of pain and I thought I was dying without even doing something for it. I never thought that this kind of pain was possible and now I'm scared that it will happen again. And somewhere between then and now my brain flew out of the window and I lost my capability to form a clear thought. I'm feeling disembodied and I guess that's a good thing now.
I'm thinking about the time when the future was still a wide and sunny road. I used to think there was a destination somewhere behind that bend of the road. I didn't really know how I would get there, but I would eventually and then I'd be happy that I went all the way. But now... now I'm too tired to move on. The sun went away and the road is muddy and I can hardly move. I no longer see where I'm going. But I'm still moving on, but not where I want to go...
A vacation sounds like a good thing now. Going away. Leaving it all behind. But that's the one thing I can't do. Next week I'll be back to school and I will have to lead a responsible life again. I'll be on my own, I'll have to cook my own food and drag myself out of bed every day...
I realize with a painful intensity that I've got no aim at all. I'm doing nothing to achieve what I want to. All my peers, they do practical training during term breaks, they take jobs that will bring them further. And what am I doing? Nothing. I haven't even chosen my new classes yet. I don't know what to do. I'm so empty. I want to... I don't know what I want. Something else.
I'm blaming my depressions. Or am I just lazy? Why can't I think further ahead than a week? It's impossible for me. And on my way of finding myself I'm losing my future. I'm getting old. I'm still clinging to childhood dreams and with every day that passes they become more and more impossible. When I was 15, it all seemed so bright. I wanted to go to Florida, to UCF. I wanted to learn animation and I would have been brilliant and they'd taken me at Disney. I would have done my own comics, I would have been a writer, too... it all was so bright. How did it happen that I lost it?
I was born in the wrong country and in the wrong body.
And in the end... it's my own fault. I should have the strength to find a way out of this, but I don't. I'm drowning in self-pity and I know it...
I'm thinking about the time when the future was still a wide and sunny road. I used to think there was a destination somewhere behind that bend of the road. I didn't really know how I would get there, but I would eventually and then I'd be happy that I went all the way. But now... now I'm too tired to move on. The sun went away and the road is muddy and I can hardly move. I no longer see where I'm going. But I'm still moving on, but not where I want to go...
A vacation sounds like a good thing now. Going away. Leaving it all behind. But that's the one thing I can't do. Next week I'll be back to school and I will have to lead a responsible life again. I'll be on my own, I'll have to cook my own food and drag myself out of bed every day...
I realize with a painful intensity that I've got no aim at all. I'm doing nothing to achieve what I want to. All my peers, they do practical training during term breaks, they take jobs that will bring them further. And what am I doing? Nothing. I haven't even chosen my new classes yet. I don't know what to do. I'm so empty. I want to... I don't know what I want. Something else.
I'm blaming my depressions. Or am I just lazy? Why can't I think further ahead than a week? It's impossible for me. And on my way of finding myself I'm losing my future. I'm getting old. I'm still clinging to childhood dreams and with every day that passes they become more and more impossible. When I was 15, it all seemed so bright. I wanted to go to Florida, to UCF. I wanted to learn animation and I would have been brilliant and they'd taken me at Disney. I would have done my own comics, I would have been a writer, too... it all was so bright. How did it happen that I lost it?
I was born in the wrong country and in the wrong body.
And in the end... it's my own fault. I should have the strength to find a way out of this, but I don't. I'm drowning in self-pity and I know it...
