Mar. 28th, 2001

silversolitaire: (angry)
While I was driving back to my flat this night (it takes me over an hour and I can think peacefully while I'm doing so) I suddenly remembered a book I've read years ago. It wasn't written in English. Haven't thought about it ages ago. When I read it then, it upset me terribly. So much that I couldn't sleep all night after I finished it, even started reading another one just to keep myself from screaming and kicking.

I was utterly disappointed by the end. The guy I liked so much turned out to be, a) a sucker (or so I thought) and b) the bad guy all along. The heroine ended up being all independent and cool, didn't need the guy a bit. Oh! Don't think it was a romance book! It was serious fantasy. That's probably why the romance got to understated. Thinking about it now, it was a good thing that it happened that way, but hey, I was 14 and wanted romance all the way! hehehe

So, now I suddenly thought about this book and I thought, HEY, actually this is wickedly cool! An independent woman, kicking the guy's butt and the guy's the baddy all along. Magic, dragons, suspense and crap. Cool! Gotta check it out! So I looked for it, asked people, surfed the net... no chance. Nobody knows the dude nor the book. :-( This frustrates me. As much as I love the English speaking culture, I do take a cultural pride in the language I was raised in. And to see at many examples each day that the USA and UK widely ignores foreign authors (among other things), really frustrates me... *sighs*

I really wanted to discuss the book with someone, but apparently nobody knows it or wants to know ... *sad sigh* Aw well...
silversolitaire: (Default)


Uhm, just beating around the bush. Excuse me. So, gonna see the counsellor tomorrow. I'm doing this because I promised a friend. I still feel like chickening out, but I'll have to do it. Otherwise things will never get better. I'm feeling silly about it. And scared. And embarassed. I can't imagine someone ever taking me seriously. I can't imagine someone giving me any other advice than "Pull yourself together! Chin up! Don't let yourself go like that!!". That's how I was raised...

Isn't it ironic? How I always said that I regret the fact that I had a great home, great parents, great childhood. Why I said that? Because I got the impressed that you actually only could tell interesting tales when you were abused and beaten and neglected and all that shit. But no, it was perfect. My parents loved me, my Dad's a great guy and I look up to him with his views and the way he regards thinks. I like how my Mom handles work, how she's diligent and reliable. I dislike her self-pity and her lack of education, but that's okay. My bro's an ass, but okay, you can't always have the lucky 7. On the whole, it was great. No financial troubles, a dog, a house, friends... all fine.

But now... now it's all crashing down on me. So many things that weren't right and that I just didn't see... It's nobody's fault I guess. It's just... the way we were. How I grew up to learn that you don't hug, you don't touch. You don't tell people you love them and you don't hear people say this to you. You always have to be strong. Showing feelings is weakness.

So I grew up, hiding everything from my parents. Just because. I wanted to share. Still want. Every time I'm writing something I want to share. But I don't. Never ever did. When I started writing with 12 or so, I already hid it. When I first loved, first lost... hid it all. It's just how we work. I'm so used to it.

And now it's all weighing down on my shoulders. Heavily. Between the innocence and lies there's a space that's full of darkness inside of me. Like the Nothing in the Neverending Story. It's getting stronger and darker. Guess it's a good thing I've finally noticed...
silversolitaire: (huggle)
I just cut my finger while trying to handle a pair of scissors. How stupid is that??? *whines* Now I can't type properly... Gawd!

Anywayz, I'm tired as hell. I haven't slept much, maybe 3 hours. Just couldn't. Then worked all day, got a killer headache. And then... oh yes, I went to the counsellor! Tadah! Of course I procrastinated majorly first, lurking around in the cafeteria, taking brochures I didn't really need, watching the birds and the cars and all that... Then I finally plucked up enough courage to go inside. The moment I entered the lobby I felt like I had lost. And won. All in one. I felt like now there is no turning back, no it's final and official that I'm a nutcase. But I also felt like I had taken the first step to tackle the beast.

Now I don't know what to think. I get five free sessions. Until then I must have things sorted out or go to a therapist who wants money. Not that I don't want to pay, but I hardly can pay him without letting my parents know. Gah... Well, whatever. Now I don't know what to think. Like I had to prove now that I deserve the attention and help. And I fear I might fail and be pushed back into the darkness, because I didn't manage to get my point across. Like I could miss my chance...

Well, I'll just try to make the most of it. After all, it can't get any worse, ne?

After that talk (it was only brief and I got an appointment in two weeks), I went on a nice shopping spree. What can I say... buying things makes me happy. I went to the local manga store and got myself some nice posters and a Weißkreuz card game. Then I went to a drugstore and bought an obscene amount of make-up. I felt like I needed that. This time I focused on gold. I like that color lately. I like a golden eyeline and a bit of light golden eye shadow. That looks really nice. But I also got some more silver stuff. Of course! ^_^

Oh, and I bought a pack of smokes. I've been hunting this particular brand for forever! I was once on a very nice date and we had Prosecco and one of those. A fantastic taste sensation. I wanted to relive that. Of course I can't smoke them any time soon, with my lung condition, but it's nice to have them near. They're really inexpensive, too. And sooo taste, like cookie dough and champagne, mingled with the taste of a woman... ah.

My head hurts...

I shall retire soon I guess.

I'm trying to grow my eyebrows into a more meaningful arch. Letting it grow there, tweeting it here... somehow it never quite works. But well, I got time.

Gotta work tomorrow, too... *growls*

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