The Greatest Disappointment of my Childhood

I guess that would be finding out that my mother can't cook. I've grown up with the believe that her food is the ultimate food, since I haven't known anything else. Now, as I grow older and wiser, I realize that she's a really nasty cook. She puts the stuff in the pan and the fries it until it's only a crumbled piece of charcoal whereas the insides are still wobbly and slimy. ugh... >_< And she's always doing this. Bleh...

Well, I can't cook either, but MAN this is a disappointment. And it took me 20 years to realize that...

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I just ordered Mary Renault's The Alexander Trilogy. This is what I'm going to read next ^_^. Can't wait. But I know I'll be annoyed about the lack of sex in it. Aw well...

I just realized that I didn't write all too personal stuff lately. Or am I mistaken? I don't know... I wonder what the reason is. Maybe that I got to know people better and people I know are reading this. This makes me feel impeded, as much as I hate it. What can I say, I'm a mystery monger. The closer I get to people, the more I hide. It's a habit I can't get rid of. My lovers have always been the people I hid the most stuff from. Not because I wanted to keep them out or hurt them. Not, that's not it, I'm sure. It's just... I guess I can't let people get too close to me. I love you, you're already way too close, so I have to keep my secrets.

The saddest part of this is that I'm lying to my girlfriend, whom I love dearly. She shares so much with me and I'm so touched that she does. And still I can't... I can't tell her about my past, about my thoughts, my dreams... I can't share with her what I'm working on. Can you believe she's never read a single story I wrote? I'm even hiding the fact that I write from her! How miserable is that? She doesn't know about my online life at all I guess. And the worst part is that I can't go back. I can't possibly go to her now and say, "Hey! Guess what! I've got a homepage, for several months now! Thought I let you know!"... I'm feeling so guilty. Just yesterday she said that she wished I'd do a homepage so she could learn more about me, the way I learn about her when reading hers. She's got a very large, very successful one.

Ack... this is just a nasty situation. I wish I could share with her. So much. But I can't. I'm feeling embarrased about what I say, what I think, what I write when I think about sharing it with her! I feel that she'd disapprove of it! I mean, she obviously frowns at my "obsession with gay men". What would she say if she knew I was writing slash, and explicit, too? She's so chaste and pure... And she's jealous of my friends. Constantly. She'd freak out if she knew just how many friends I have...