The Purpose of Meaning?

It's been a while since I made a really useful entry I guess. Well, I had my excuses, didn't I? But then again, one always finds excuses for every situation of one's life...

So, let me talk about myself for a while. How am I feeling at the moment? Content. I am full of ideas, which is good. My ideas, however, do not stretch out to my art or my writings. Right now, I want to work on my website. Somehow, I like this kind of creative work. It's not as strenuously creative as drawing or writing, but rather a nice way of zoning out on all that surrounds you. Maybe that's the reason why I love my computer so much. I can always zone out on him, forget for a while...

Although... forgetting is the last thing I should do right now. My exams are drawing near... It exactly one week till the day. I'm afraid as hell. I fear the grammar test. I know I shouldn't be, but yet I am. I keep telling myself, 'Hey, it's English for Chrissakes, you should breeze through it!' But still... when I'm supposed to explain the syntactic function of "some" or name the different ways of cunjunctions, then I'm lost... How very much I hate grammar. It's way too technical for me. I acknowledge the need to be tested on essay writing, transations skills and knowledge of literature. Sure, that's why I'm here in the first place. But grammar? Wouldn't they know by the way I talk and write that I don't have a decent grasp of it? Wouldn't that enough to let me fail? Why do they make me take classes for one bloody year, make me stay in till the late afternoon on fridays to practice those wretched questions just to sit there next week, on a Saturday morning (!!) to take from my memory what's left of it, knowing that I don't have the time to think, but can merely reproduce, or else I'll never be able to make it within those 30 mins. they grant you.

Life isn't fair...

So, I guess I have to stick through it, hoping that it won't break my neck. If it does, hey, I get to hang around for another half a year! Who cares... I don't have an aim in life anyway. I wanted to do gender studies... gay and lesbian studies. That was my big dream. Just a few entries back I was so full of dreams and hopes. I wanted to be big on it, I wanted to dedicate all my career of a scholar on this topic, wanted to make the world see that same sex desire had always been present in literature and movies. That was my dream. And the library... I still want it so much that it hurts. I want this library. But now... all my dreams shattered. My beloved prof, she who introduced me to all this, whom I adore so much, who thinks just the way I do... she's leaving us. She's going to a better place, I guess. And me? I am stuck here, in that rusty, dusty, old place. Without a dream, without an aim, without a purpose of existence.

Guess I was meant to be a failure all along. When I wanted to dedicate my life to Shakespeare, my other professor left. What next? I wonder...

Oh no, I'm not sad. Not really. Just... careless. What is there left to dream and hope? I wonder...

I really wonder...

But no matter what comes, I still have one thing that will always make me happy: my ability to lose myself passionately in things I love so much. Right now, it's all manga again. I'm back with my old passion and I'm happy about it. I just watched Fake and Zetsuai and I love it. I knew it before, of course, but seeing it again was such a treat. I wish I could talk all day about it.

I'm glad I came up with the idea of the Quick Pick on my website. That way I can share my passions, even if no one cares. I get an outlet for all these feelings and who knows? Maybe someone will see it one day and talk with me about it.

Blessed be them who created to internet and put those people in there who inhabit it and make it a warm and loving place. I am never alone, never. I can always talk to someone and there's always someone who's just as insane as I am. Without that knowledge I probably would have unhinged years ago...