On Money and Happiness

Yesterday I realized something about money and happiness. My parents were going out for dinner with their friends and I sat between them, eating my vegetarian dish, just listening to their talking, lost in my own thoughts. They talked about how great it would be, if they got to take part in one of those multi-million-dollar TV shows you get at TV right now and you actually won a big chunk of the money. Of course they had great plans for it, pay off the mortage of the house, get a new car, do up the roof, a new kitchen, a new bathroom... they all had it neatly planned. And I thought about the guy who does "Who wants to be a Millionaire" who always asks the contestants what they'd do with the money. That was when I realized that I don't have a clue. I mean, sure, I could think of a few nice things to buy, but it's all very modest. I'd get a new laptop, maybe a PC as well, with all the neat stuff in it, a 3D accelerator, some software... I'd buy some nice furniture for my flat, those expensive collectible dolls, some paint, some CDs and books... I'd see my girlfriend more often. But that's about it. Not that much. I think all my desires could be done with with $ 10,000. Royally, actually. And it's not that I absolutely need it and would be so sad without it.

No.

What I really want, nobody can give me, money can't buy. I'd want... to change my looks. Yes. I'd like to have a different bone structure. But that's not bothering me that much, actually. I've had all that teenager shit already ages ago. I'd want the security that I can write any time I want to and that I won't hit a writer's block all the time. I'd want the ability to draw exactly what I'm seeing in my head and not what my hands can do. I'd want a better style in coloring and the knowledge to draw *real* manga style. Yes, whole mangas, just with my stories and my ideas. That would be wonderful. I have so many ideas, they are bursting my head, but I can't let them out. I'd want to be a part of an animation movie, I'd want to draw a Disney character! I'd want to speak Japanese fluently!

Those are the things I want. Those are the things money can't buy and every day I realize a bit more that I don't have the strength for it. That I will never be able to do it. That I'm... just a failure.

Now I don't know... is it a good or a bad thing?

(no subject)

I like these lyrics a lot. Somehow I can relate to them a lot...


BLACK EYED

I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderlining schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home

I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderline bipolar
Forever biting on your nuts
I was never grateful
That's why I spend my days alone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home (Broken home)
Black-eyed (repeat)

I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Borderlining schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home (Broken home)
Black-eyed

(no subject)

Today I had the ultimate idea for my book! I always didn't know where they'd be going on their trip, but now I know! It was all so clear suddenly. Originally I had planned to let the action take place in the States, but now I changed my mind and I think the perfect place will be Scotland, since I've spent a wonderful holiday there, too. But that's not the trip I'm going to take. I'll take the one friends of mine once took. It was marvelous and magical. I just don't know how to extract the info from them yet. I mean, I still remember what they told me, but I need the details. But for certain reasons I can't tell them what I'm writing. Hmmm....

Does that make any sense at all?

(no subject)

I'm getting very weak suddenly. It's the allergy again. I get so weak, I just want to sink and sink... I can't breathe. Every breath I take it too shallow....