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Oookay... now I've got exactly 3 hours and 29 minutes left before I have to get up again! I don't want to woooooork! I hate it! I want to continue writing!

I love the fact that the book we were going to make will be a movie script now. He's right, it'll be so much easier to make a book from it later on. And I love doing scripts. It'll be so much fun. I feel like Viola in "Shakespeare in Love"."I would stay asleep my whole life, if I could dream myself into a company of players."
Although... in my case this would be a company of writers... I want to lie in your arms, oh ye friends of my imagination, who are as dear to me as real people, who come alive when I think of thee...

Rammstein für immer...

I miss my Rammstein CD... I can't believe I lost it! I wonder where it is... Live in Berlin, that's the best. It's so great and it was the limited edition with the original autographs! ARGH! I want it back!!! I haven't listen to it for 2 weeks.

I truly and completely love Rammstein. I love their angry, passionate songs. I feel like that so many times. Like you just want to hit something. They are wonderful. I love their stage show. So powerful and full of fire and blood. What else can a girl ask for? *_* I love their lyrics, too. I wish I could translate all of it. But I just don't see the necessity. Nobody I know ever wants to discuss it with me... I can't even decide who of Rammstein I love more. Till? So angry and bear-like, strong and powerful, with hands that can crush you and yet a sensitive soul. Or Richard? I love his eyes... his contacts on stage are awesome and he has... "da look". Flake is great, too. So spider-like. And Schneider... Schneider's just so sexy. But he's the meanest of them all. I remember this interview where all he said was: "Yes.... no.... yes.... yes... no.... tits." LOL. And then there's this other guitarist. I forgot his name. I like him too. Like his eyes and mouth. I have no particular feelings about the bassist, Christian, though.

Hmm.. I think I'm going to put a few pictures in there. They are from my homepage, I just didn't make the link active yet. That's a shame actually, since the pictures are really good! Wait...



Ah, sweet, it worked out! I feel like sharing this wonderful gallery with whoever might be inclined to look: My Rammstein Gallery I really like those pics. They are taken from the DVD. Awesome stage show, needless to say ^_^.

One of my favorite songs of Rammstein is "Heirate mich". I love the emotions of this song. It's so sick and twisted. Just like me.... let's see if I can find the translation somewhere... ah there!


Marry Me

You can see him sneak around the church
He's been alone for a year now
Grief deprived him of his senses
Every night he's sleeping on her tombstone

There, beneath the bells a tombstone is sleeping
No one can read it but me
And the red rooster sitting on the fence
Used to be your heart

The fear impaled on this fence
I go digging ever night
To see what's left
Of this face that used to smile at meBeneath the bells I spend my nights
Among snails, a lonely beast
At day I pursue the night
You're escaping me a second time

Marry me.I'm digging deep with my hands
To find what I'm missing so dearly
And as the moon in beautiful dress
I've kissed your cold mouth

I take you into my arms tenderly
But your skin is breaking like paper
And parts are falling off from you
You're escaping me a second timeMarry me.So I take what's left of you
The night is hot and we're naked
The rooster is greeting the morning like a curse
I've chopped its head off

Isn't that just goose bumpy-chilly? Love it!

Oh, I could ramble on for ever and ever... but I have to watch The Simpsons now ^_~. More later!

Memories of Self-Destruction...

While I was driving home from work today, I had the weirdest thoughts. Like I always do when I can't do anything but stare for an hour. I either get increasingly tired or my mind starts to race. Thank God the latter happened today. While driving to work this morning (at 6:30, mind you) I had so many ideas for this book that's been haunting my brain for years now. And much to my own surprise it turned out to be so much different from what I thought it would. My initial idea was something gloomy, darkly romantic. And now it even got funny in a way. That's too weird. But I was so full of ideas, I had to write it down at once. I love it when that happens.

And then, when driving back from work, my thoughts got increasingly sinister. I saw my own blood today. In a very natural way, actually. But it had the same effect on me as always. I just love my skin, so white, and then these ruby red trickles as a contrast... it's bewitching. I immediately knew again why this is the only way to keep me calm when my depressions won't let me rest. I wonder... is it normal to have these desires?

I realized today that I'm in constant danger of dying. Because it could happen to me that I was just bleeding to death without meaning to. I can see myself, sitting in a chair, my arm dangling down the side, a large gash on it and blood dripping from it, down on the floor. It's such a beautiful image. I can feel the peacefulness of this moment, the sweet joy... how it would tickle and tingle, burning so sweetly... even now I want to do it. But I'm not suicidal at all! I don't want to die, I see no reason to. Still... I just might not be able to resist the... sweeter taste of pain anymore one day.

I will have to make sure to add this paragraph to my will: "Should I have died like that, believe me, I didn't mean to. I wasn't looking for death... I just couldn't resist the sweetness any longer."

I am afraid of my self-destruction sometimes. I was speeding again today and while I did it suddenly so many moments of my car crash came back to my memory. Now I remember how the car started to slide, the screaming of the tires. That I remember. I remember how the metal howled when it bended and the shattering of the glass. When I watched Mission: Impossible 2 I got so sick at the realistic sounds. Now I know why... But I am still missing the essential 30 seconds. Those will never come back, I'm sure. At least I know now what I did right after I came to myself, dangling in the security belts down the roof of my car. I turned off the radio! It was still working and it was so loud! It was Rage against the Machine - Know your Enemy. I never listened to this song again and this is almost six months ago now.

I wonder if I'm trying to force something... speeding that way. Why did I do that?

One thing I really regret about this car crash is that I didn't get any scars. Really. I would have wanted that. A constant reminder of it. I know the story of every single scar on my body. It's my diary. If I had gotten just one scar, to keep the memory for ever... but I didn't cut anything, despite dropping on the shattered sunshine roof... I really regret that a lot...