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silversolitaireYes, I'm moody today. I guess people should be warned to deal with me today. Suddenly I have a whole list of stuff that's been pissing me off lately and I'm willing to tell anyone off who's coming in my way. Kinda scary... My migraine has returned. I feel like dying. My flatrate it running out soon. Wouldn't be so bad, since we get DSL in exchange where we can have another flatrate contract. Cool. Only problem, I have to give up my email addy. The email addy I owned for more than 5 years... An hour ago I was crying my eyes out over it. Now with the new flat and the network system they want to establish, I won't be able to keep my email addy... Or I keep it and I can't check it anymore while I'm surfing the web. This is terrible! I don't know what to do. My bro wants me to get a free and cheapo email addy instead! I think not! Of course I have my glasscases addy, but I can't figure out for the love of me how to change the delivery options... T_T And I don't want my family to know this email addy, because then they'd be looking at my homepage and find out a whole bunch of stuff about me that they'd never even guessed. My family has no decency...
Now I don't know what to do. I feel possitively lost... deprived, cast out of my home... I still get teary-eyed when I think about it. But mosty I'm pissed off now. When my bro said it at the table today I just had to stop eating because I go upset and sad. And my mom just wouldn't understand me! She kept saying "I will never understand you!" and my dad got all bitchy, saying "Well, then we can call off the whole thing if that's what you want!" and my bro said "You're taking this all too seriously!" And I was in the middle, feeling completely lost.
Yes, indeed, nobody understands it. How could they? They don't know how it is... my bro most of all. He's still living at home at 26, getting food every day, being able to sleep till noon. He never has to take out the trash, he never has to mow the lawn or deal with stupid technicians. He's just living the easy life. Yes... He has no idea how it is to be all alone all through the week, to return to an empty room, where no one talks to you, the silence slowly driving you crazy. He doesn't know.
And neither does my mom. Or my dad. Nobody does... My dad... he will never accept the fact that I'm not 100% fine and dandy. When I said that I was suffering from headache constantly and my back was killing me and I would like to get a massage, like the one I got after the accident, to get painfree again, he gave me a lecture that I'm not doing enough and that I wouldn't have pain if I did more sports and wouldn't sit around all day. Guess that's true, but this doesn't change the fact that I'm IN FUCKING PAIN right now! It's been going on for weeks! I'm constantly on painkillers. But no, he rather wants me to join a fitness club and do regular workout and then, in 6 months or so, the back will get better. Provided that my headache won't prevent my workout all the time, since it tends to get so strong that I can't move and have to throw up and feel like dying. Does he care? No. He's a doctor...
That's exactly why I fear telling him that I need counselling. I can hear him say "If you went out more you wouldn't be sad. Make friends, have fun, get yourself a nice boyfriend, then you won't be sad anymore. You don't need to get into therapy, don't be so silly." I can hear him...
I think he'll only take me seriously when I'm attempting suicide or something... *sighs*
Now I don't know what to do. I feel possitively lost... deprived, cast out of my home... I still get teary-eyed when I think about it. But mosty I'm pissed off now. When my bro said it at the table today I just had to stop eating because I go upset and sad. And my mom just wouldn't understand me! She kept saying "I will never understand you!" and my dad got all bitchy, saying "Well, then we can call off the whole thing if that's what you want!" and my bro said "You're taking this all too seriously!" And I was in the middle, feeling completely lost.
Yes, indeed, nobody understands it. How could they? They don't know how it is... my bro most of all. He's still living at home at 26, getting food every day, being able to sleep till noon. He never has to take out the trash, he never has to mow the lawn or deal with stupid technicians. He's just living the easy life. Yes... He has no idea how it is to be all alone all through the week, to return to an empty room, where no one talks to you, the silence slowly driving you crazy. He doesn't know.
And neither does my mom. Or my dad. Nobody does... My dad... he will never accept the fact that I'm not 100% fine and dandy. When I said that I was suffering from headache constantly and my back was killing me and I would like to get a massage, like the one I got after the accident, to get painfree again, he gave me a lecture that I'm not doing enough and that I wouldn't have pain if I did more sports and wouldn't sit around all day. Guess that's true, but this doesn't change the fact that I'm IN FUCKING PAIN right now! It's been going on for weeks! I'm constantly on painkillers. But no, he rather wants me to join a fitness club and do regular workout and then, in 6 months or so, the back will get better. Provided that my headache won't prevent my workout all the time, since it tends to get so strong that I can't move and have to throw up and feel like dying. Does he care? No. He's a doctor...
That's exactly why I fear telling him that I need counselling. I can hear him say "If you went out more you wouldn't be sad. Make friends, have fun, get yourself a nice boyfriend, then you won't be sad anymore. You don't need to get into therapy, don't be so silly." I can hear him...
I think he'll only take me seriously when I'm attempting suicide or something... *sighs*
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I hear ya...
Date: 2001-08-31 06:14 pm (UTC)I suppose I'm happier when I'm around people, but then again, I'm also miserable around people. Does that make any sense? I'm happy to be with people that I can touch & see, but at the same time, none of them know anything about me. I don't want them to know most of it. So I'm miserable because they don't know *me*.
I am sorry about your dad. My dad wouldn't know if something were wrong with me unless I were on the floor, bleeding from the head. He's a doctor too. I can't *tell* him anything about myself; he'd think I'm completely crazy. He probably thinks that already, actually. He ignores me all of the time. *sighs* But anyway...
I'm glad that you have Li. I'm so happy for you. I read your entry about clothes and was smiling so big by the end of it! How sweet.
*hugs* feel better.