Memories of Self-Destruction...

[silversolitaire]

While I was driving home from work today, I had the weirdest thoughts. Like I always do when I can't do anything but stare for an hour. I either get increasingly tired or my mind starts to race. Thank God the latter happened today. While driving to work this morning (at 6:30, mind you) I had so many ideas for this book that's been haunting my brain for years now. And much to my own surprise it turned out to be so much different from what I thought it would. My initial idea was something gloomy, darkly romantic. And now it even got funny in a way. That's too weird. But I was so full of ideas, I had to write it down at once. I love it when that happens.

And then, when driving back from work, my thoughts got increasingly sinister. I saw my own blood today. In a very natural way, actually. But it had the same effect on me as always. I just love my skin, so white, and then these ruby red trickles as a contrast... it's bewitching. I immediately knew again why this is the only way to keep me calm when my depressions won't let me rest. I wonder... is it normal to have these desires?

I realized today that I'm in constant danger of dying. Because it could happen to me that I was just bleeding to death without meaning to. I can see myself, sitting in a chair, my arm dangling down the side, a large gash on it and blood dripping from it, down on the floor. It's such a beautiful image. I can feel the peacefulness of this moment, the sweet joy... how it would tickle and tingle, burning so sweetly... even now I want to do it. But I'm not suicidal at all! I don't want to die, I see no reason to. Still... I just might not be able to resist the... sweeter taste of pain anymore one day.

I will have to make sure to add this paragraph to my will: "Should I have died like that, believe me, I didn't mean to. I wasn't looking for death... I just couldn't resist the sweetness any longer."

I am afraid of my self-destruction sometimes. I was speeding again today and while I did it suddenly so many moments of my car crash came back to my memory. Now I remember how the car started to slide, the screaming of the tires. That I remember. I remember how the metal howled when it bended and the shattering of the glass. When I watched Mission: Impossible 2 I got so sick at the realistic sounds. Now I know why... But I am still missing the essential 30 seconds. Those will never come back, I'm sure. At least I know now what I did right after I came to myself, dangling in the security belts down the roof of my car. I turned off the radio! It was still working and it was so loud! It was Rage against the Machine - Know your Enemy. I never listened to this song again and this is almost six months ago now.

I wonder if I'm trying to force something... speeding that way. Why did I do that?

One thing I really regret about this car crash is that I didn't get any scars. Really. I would have wanted that. A constant reminder of it. I know the story of every single scar on my body. It's my diary. If I had gotten just one scar, to keep the memory for ever... but I didn't cut anything, despite dropping on the shattered sunshine roof... I really regret that a lot...

Comments

wow

[aperion.livejournal.com]

what powerful writing!!!

thank you...

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you think so.
It's strange how people seem to enjoy what you're writing the most when it's the most personal... that's something I need to work on, I guess.

Re: thank you...

[aperion.livejournal.com]

perhaps it's because it is the most real writing... the writing you write for yourself.