Drunken self-pitying ramble on writing...

[silversolitaire]

You know... sometimes I wish I didn't need to deal with feedback. It's weird. Part of me wants the feedback, loves it even, but the other part... it's just ruining me. Every time I get high praises for stories I get this existential fear of never being able to be as good again. It never fails. And I feel that the tiniest form of criticism is always completely valid and makes me want to throw everything around. Never mind the fact that I've been carefully considering everything I've written for weeks sometimes. When someone raises the slightest bit of doubt I jump at it.

And I fear that people will be disappointed with my other stuff. Like when they tell me they'll be keeping an eye out for my work in the future. Usually that should make me feel proud and happy, but instead it makes me want to hide in a hole and never publish again because I think "Oh they'll just be put off by the sex I put into the story... they'll expect a mystery but it's just romance..." etc. It's very scary.

At the same time, I can't just ignore feedback. That'd be so rude. I treasure every one of them. I know how easy it is to just read a story and move on. It means a lot to me when someone took the time to click "comment" and do so, share their thoughts with me. I'm desperately interested even in how they perceived it, if it worked what I had in mind. So, it's in imperative to say thank you, to me. So the only way to not react to feedback would be to not allow it at all. But do I reeally want that?

I don't know if that makes me odd or eccentric or full of myself... I'm just so torn. It's like I just don't want to see the feedback while I'm still actively writing, because then it will influence my work and most likely jeopardize it. But on the other hand, feedback is so inspiring and gives you a good boost for future writing. If your emotions are feeling right, that is... which they often aren't. Usually they're not... no. So... what to do. I really don't know. It's like wanting the crack and hating yourself for it.

Writing... probably is the worst self-destructive habit I have ever indulged in. It... makes me so incredibly happy. It fills my life with meaning. And yet it puts me through the worst unthinkable agony. I'll never understand how something can make me feel so happy and yet to terrible at the same time. Sometimes I just want to push it all away, never write again. But... I always return. I just can't not write. But whenever I do I just feel insignificant and insufficient. Like my words don't mean anything. There were times when my mind was racing constantly. When I was filling pages after pages with my thoughts as I had gotten inspired randomly. Those days are long gone. I sometimes wish them back... desperately.

It scares me how I have all these ideas and I store them in my head in great detail, every single bit, and I really never forget them. And yet... I'm unable to let them out. I fear the day that I will die and all my stories will die along with them because this damnable inability to put them down on paper will have prevented me from just expressing myself.

Anyway, back to my original point. I just wish I knew how to solve this. Never publish again while I'm actively writing, but then risking losing interest midway by lack of pressure? Or continue to expose myself to the sweet torment? I really don't know...

Comments

[sandrine]

Feedback is a bit of a double-edged blade for me as well. On the one hand, if a story I've written turns out to be good and people acknowlege that, I'm more than happy. On the other hand (and that's the problem I'm currently facing), if you've written a story you're really not happy about in terms of writing, and people praise it... is that really a compliment? It makes me uncomfortable, anyway, because if others think writing that IMO isn't up to par, excellent... doesn't that automatically mean that what I consider good writing isn't, in fact, good?

I suppose to actually appreciate all kinds of feedback, one has to feel extremely secure about one's writing.

[no-ron.livejournal.com]

but isn't it like that with any writer? there will be people who'll read it and who won't. those who'll like it and those who won't. and even those who'll esentially like it, but have this gripe or another. it's impossible to please everyone.
then whith a larger bibliography under the author's name.. some will like this novel but won't like the other, etc. it's just natural.

for example, i am very picky about what i like. i'm still not sure what my rules are.. but it's like asking "why do you like this color?" i don't know if there even is an answer.
thus there are inevitably many many published and successful writers that i won't like or even consider reading because they don't catch my interest.
but.. to each their own.

on the other hand.. what is more important in the process of public writing.. to please yourself or to please the "audience"? or where is the balance between the two? or how to find it?

>>>and I really never forget them. And yet... I'm unable to let them out.
unable why? and let's say why don't you start writing bits down slowly? then giving them rest, letting them settle down a bit, then perhaps returning to them one day and seeing what has changed in your perception.. what would you change, write differently, add, strike out..

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know that my problems aren't that spectacular when looking at the greater picture. It's basically the anguish every person with artistic outlet goes through, I'm sure. But individually that doesn't make it easier to bear x.x.

I keep telling myself over and over again that you can't please everyone. I don't even WANT to! But I can't help being affected anyway. There's always this bitter aftertaste to admitting that you're listening to and actually waiting for response. I mean, it's not like I write for feedback. I've always written, just not published. But I certainly publish for feedback. Why else would I feel the need to share my works with others if I didn't want to hear their thoughts. I'm not as deluded to think that the world would benefit from my work. It's just for me, really.

I just hate this feeling of... potentially being disappointing. It's really hard to describe and so annoying! Even though rationally it's very likely. I mean, on a small scale it's more significant. If you show two people something and one of them loves it and one hates it... that's depressing. If you show it 10 and one among them is like that... not so bad. If you show it 100 and still one, very insignficant. But the more people who are expose to it, the more likely the chance to be faced with dislike. Rational observation. And yet it's very difficult to deal with.

Okay, I'm just rambling. I don't even know what I'm getting at here...

As for being unable... I don't know why, really, but somehow I'm just unable to write down my ideas. They're so complex in my head that I just can't unravel them and write them down. And I always feel like when I write them down they get spoiled. Like taking food out of the vacuum-sealed package and exposing it to decay and rot. It's very strange...

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

God I know what you mean! That's just the weirdest thing ever, to have people all over stuff that you're not 100% convinced of. To me it's not so much a problem because I just don't release anything I'm not 100% happy with, but often in retrospect I look at things and see how I could have improved them. So, that's very strange then. I also find it confusing when people go "This is the best thing you've ever written!". This is a great comment and testament of improval, but at the same time I wonder... was the stuff before that not good then?

INSANE! I tell you!

[yamato--ishida.livejournal.com]

Yes, writing and dealing with feedback at the same time is a difficult thing. I know that kind of pressure you are talking about. I often wonder if I can live up to my readers' expectation as well. And I'm scared, I'll disappoint them and I'm even more scared to disappoint myself.

But you can't help disapointing people, just like you can't help being disappointed by them. To be a writer, to write with all your heart means feeling incredible joy and incredible sadness. People who don't have these emotions, who "write just for fun" are only weekend writers.

I don't know if I can say any wise things to help you, but I know that you are not strange or weird, because you feel like that. And I know, you wouldn't be happy with not writing. Maybe you would lose the pain, but you would lose the joy as well. You probably would feel like you're in a coma. I mean, writing is part of who you are, isn't it?

[sainoo-zero.livejournal.com]

I think what you're looking for is someone (even if one among a hundred) who can see clearly the good points of your writing (the good points being what you consider to be good points). Even if you show two people your writing and one of them likes it while the other one hates it, you could probably have predicted who will like what anyway. The point is in observing how they react to parts in your writing, expecting they will laugh where you laughed when you were writing, expecting they would ignore the parts which you're unsure of.

besides the feelings of disappointment with yourself for not having been able to communicate yourself clearly, that's a wonderful indicator which points out the directions for change... I guess that's why you're willingly coming back for more, knowing that in the end it will make you a better writer ;) the best of luck to you.

[silversolitaire.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your comments there... I suppose you're right. I mean, it's always a bit of a double-edged sword. Of course, ideally a writer wants his or her stuff to be loved and raved about and nobody ever finds anything bad about it. But on the other hand, if that really was the case, most likely there'd still be insecurity. Are the comments sincere? How can it be that there's nothing negative about it? How can I ever improve if nobody ever gives me any pointers?`

Heh... I guess it's just a general feeling of whininess about this subject that I experience ever so often...