Funny newspaper headlines

[silversolitaire]

Taken from this book:

Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT

MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE

TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY

U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW

CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become unwittingly suggestive:

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM

Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN

FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

Occasionally, a deformed headline takes on a meaning that is exactly the opposite of the one intended:

AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY; LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION

CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN: POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELINGS OF ISOLATION

Comments

[sneerpout.livejournal.com]

Cheers for that. Made me giggle lots.

[tomkayito.livejournal.com]

XD This is greatly amusing!