Gonna paint a waggon, gonna paint it red...

[silversolitaire]

Uhm, just beating around the bush. Excuse me. So, gonna see the counsellor tomorrow. I'm doing this because I promised a friend. I still feel like chickening out, but I'll have to do it. Otherwise things will never get better. I'm feeling silly about it. And scared. And embarassed. I can't imagine someone ever taking me seriously. I can't imagine someone giving me any other advice than "Pull yourself together! Chin up! Don't let yourself go like that!!". That's how I was raised...

Isn't it ironic? How I always said that I regret the fact that I had a great home, great parents, great childhood. Why I said that? Because I got the impressed that you actually only could tell interesting tales when you were abused and beaten and neglected and all that shit. But no, it was perfect. My parents loved me, my Dad's a great guy and I look up to him with his views and the way he regards thinks. I like how my Mom handles work, how she's diligent and reliable. I dislike her self-pity and her lack of education, but that's okay. My bro's an ass, but okay, you can't always have the lucky 7. On the whole, it was great. No financial troubles, a dog, a house, friends... all fine.

But now... now it's all crashing down on me. So many things that weren't right and that I just didn't see... It's nobody's fault I guess. It's just... the way we were. How I grew up to learn that you don't hug, you don't touch. You don't tell people you love them and you don't hear people say this to you. You always have to be strong. Showing feelings is weakness.

So I grew up, hiding everything from my parents. Just because. I wanted to share. Still want. Every time I'm writing something I want to share. But I don't. Never ever did. When I started writing with 12 or so, I already hid it. When I first loved, first lost... hid it all. It's just how we work. I'm so used to it.

And now it's all weighing down on my shoulders. Heavily. Between the innocence and lies there's a space that's full of darkness inside of me. Like the Nothing in the Neverending Story. It's getting stronger and darker. Guess it's a good thing I've finally noticed...

Comments

*hugs you*

[natlet]

I know how you feel, Sil baby...it'll be okay *hugs*

**HUGS**

[isabeau.livejournal.com]

I know where you are, Silver love. I've been there -- I *am* there. Does it help to know that no one I know of has had a perfect childhood? Probably not, but... I mean, I'm like you so much it hurts. By all accounts, I should be perfect -- I had good, loving, supportive parents. Only -- I'm messed up, and they're messed up, and we're all messed up together. Whee.

I can't tell you whether or not things will get better...but you have to have faith they will. We all do. I do, certainly -- you have friends, and you *deserve* friends, which is more than I can say, and... Just don't let the darkness win.

*hugs*