Oh damn it...

[silversolitaire]

Truth be told, I'm not happy. I've got a paper, no TWO papers to write and I don't know where the fuck to start. And right now I'm feeling so antisocial to an extend that I just want to close the door behind me and never come out again. Unfortunately, in a family like mine this is quite impossible. I hear from friends who they can sleep all day and be online all night and never come out of their room unless to grab some food. But not me. Oh no, not me. Here, family life is compulsory. It is expected that you are at the table at lunch and that you join them for coffee. Usually, it's nice, but right now it's just driving me nuts. It's one of these moods when just saying a single word means so much effort... I notice it everywhere. I notice it when chatting, too, or when posting into my LJ or replying to email. I can barely move my fingers. It's like a thick, oozy slime of "me-ness" that I just can't get through. I don't want to talk, I don't want to socialize. I just want to be with myself and talk to those elect few that I choose.

I can't help it... My dad is gone and left me with the care of my mother. And she wants it, she needs it. I'd be so cruel not to give her attention. So I'm sitting there, stirring my coffee and I can't think of anything else but going back to my side of the couch and curl up. She talks to me and I give polite answers and go "Oh? Oh really? Mmmh-mmh..." but I'm not really listening. I'm thinking of people, of books, of stories... I can't concentrate on her. And I feel bad that way. I want to be with her, but I'm just not enjoying it. I can't think of one thing that I would want to tell her. *deep sigh*

I'm bad...

I hate to be forced to socialize. It makes me want to cover my face and cry all the time. Be quiet, people!!!

Emails are such a terrible effort for me... I open a mail in the morning and it takes me all day just to write a few lines until at 1 AM or so I finish the message with a "I'm sorry, I just don't feel like talking" and send it off and it feels like a terrible burden was taken off my shoulder. And the next day, there are new emails to write... Never ending circle.

God... how am I ever going to be able to live my life properly? I am doomed... I can't life with people and I can't live without them, because then I'd get swamped in my own rubbish and starve to death. I am a terrible terrible person... And I don't even see how therapy could help me with that.

I remember a time when I was happy... I think I remember. When each day was fun and new. When I was in for everything. When my dad said "Wanna come along to XY?" and I'd say "Yeah sure, cool!" because any change was a good thing. And now? Now I feel like 5 mins. away from my computer already is too long. When one hour seems to be unbearable. Good Lord... What has become of me? Will it ever go away?

I still want to be someone else... more than ever... I want to be able to switch around and be all those people I am in my head...

Addendum:
Talk about absent-mindedness... I completely forgot I had this entry written! *posts it now*

Comments

[starla9.livejournal.com]

Uggghhhh....I know JUST how you feel, when you just can't seem to write abut anything, replying to e-mails seems like such an effort, etc...it so IS an 'thick, oozy slime of "me-ness"' I know exactly how that feels! All blahhhhhh and icky. Not able to take an interest in what your family says, LOL I do that to my mother a lot when I'm in one of those phases....anywayaaaayyy.....I hope you get out of this icky mood soon...it's no fun being depressed. I wish you could get some anti-depressants over there, they might help you a lot with your moods. I mean, half of it is your perspective, but that is so much easier to alter when your brain chemicals aren't being fucked with. :-) I wuv you just the way you are. *huggles* And I am THOROUGHLY enjoying Yami no Matsuei! I just ordered the first two mangas of that and the first one of Kizuna. Yeah. *_*