silversolitaire: (JB mirror)
There's one thing that's very weird about me. Well, more than one thing, but I'm thinking about one in particular right now. It's the fact that I get extremely, hugely excited over things, looking forward for them for days, weeks, months, and then when it's finally there I savor it and soak it up and am totally happy... and then it just goes poof. I hate that very much. The height from which I plummet every fucking time something is nice. Just once I wish I could ride on the high just a little bit longer.

Naturally, I was hugely excited about Torchwood. I mean, I've been waiting for this moment for an entire year, basically. And I was full of hope and dreams, I had confidence in it being awesome. I didn't fear they'd sink my ship. I didn't fear canon would start sucking. I was just looking forward to it. Then the episode aired yesterday and I couldn't watch it right away of course since I'd made the deal to watch it with Kris. I agonized all night over it, hardly getting any sleep.

Then finally, in the evening, I got to watch it. And it was awesome! It was... let's say a 8 out of 10, at least. It probably would have been a 9 if we had gotten some Jack/Ianto snogging right away and a 10 if they had dealt with Jack's return properly and a bit more emotionally other than Gwen bitching him out. But it was fine, really! I was squeey and happy and excited... and then it just evaporated :(.

Now I'm sitting here, feeling empty. This sucks. I should be all happy, shouldn't I. The series isn't even over yet. Still tons of eps to look forward to. And yet... blankness. Also, I find myself get annoyed with everyone in a way. See, I'm a tolerant shipper. Or no, I'm not, but it's something TW has taught me, really. You can ship anyone, they're all possible in a way, and no ship is worth more than the other. I've learnt to tolerate that. Other ships are no threat for mine and it's nice to see them coexist.

However, I notice this annoying tendency of TW ships putting down other ships. I guess it's because Jack/Ianto is relatively popular it gets the brunt of that, but it annoys me. People going to great lengths to explain why Ianto is so horrible and why he should never have remained on the team, how Jack can't possibly care for Ianto and it's obviously just sex, if at all, since it's not really all that clear blablabla. Heard all the shit. And now? Now they're all putting down the "ask for date" scene of course.

Clearly, since the scene was followed that Jack/Gwen scene it must be that Jack is only rebounding! Right? Grrrrr! It annoys the hell out of me. I'm willing to accept that the scene was very J/G shippy and I don't mind. I never want TW to become the Jack/Ianto Loveboat where they live happily ever after. I'd probably lose interest in no time since I hardly ever ship the canon m/m couples for some weird reason. So I'm cool with it. You can interpret it any way you like.

Even though I will admit that I thought it was a bit OOC for Jack to suddenly throw a hissyfit at Gwen's engagement ring. I mean, in series 1 we've always been shown how Jack thought it was important that Gwen remains in her relationship with Rhys, have a life outside of TW etc. So why would he suddenly mind? And what the fuck was that with "Cause no one else will have me"?? Gwen isn't that bad a catch! So, I do have my qualms with it... BUT! I accept that Jack cares deeply for Gwen. No problems there!

So why oh why do people need to spin this in such a direction? Can't we just coexist happily next to each other please? *sighs* So yeah, that frustrated me. Annoyed me. Did anyone say "Oh yeah, clearly Jack was so shaken during the ring scene because he'd just seen Ianto earlier and remembered how it was to be separated from him!" or stuff like that? No! Very annoying.

Okay, but that's just a detail. An annoying one, but still. One thing that comes with age is the tranquility to just step way from fandom crap like that (although I do feel the need to choke a couple of bitches on the JB-ML occasionally).

Another thing that pissed me off were people discussing on another ML whether one should read fics by non-native speakers. The way they were talking about it made it sound like those people write poorly per default. Funny, the most atrocious fics I've read were written by native speakers, but wha'ever. Annoying people.

Okay, I think I've just ranted myself empty. Now only the pain remains in just about every limb I own. And there's really nothing I can do since I shouldn't overdo it on the medication. So, I just need to suck it, I suppose. Blah.

I'm also feeling extremely guilty for not having all of Collateral all perfectly ready by now. I really tried, but the illness in between just really didn't help and now I feel like a traitor and a loser, making everyone hate me and lose all faith in WIPs forever. I know I'm dramatizing here, but I can't help it. And at the same time, I'm trying so hard and yet I just can't manage that amazing leap of sudden story finishing, you know? Very frustrating. I just hope people won't be too upset with me. I'm really trying.

Of course it didn't help either that I was watching TW and basically went D:!!!! the entire time since one by one things I've put into my fic popped up there. I mean of course I was there first and this is exactly why I made it a point to post before it airs because I know myself. Right now, I'm feeling utterly demoralized and uncreative. Like I can't come up with a single creative idea of my own apparently. I'm spending months agonizing over plot ideas and twists and then it becomes canon within 45 mins. So frustrating...

Oh, the pain...

Ending on a completely different note... today at the kiosk the person restocking the shelves had sorted all the candy by rainbow. That made my heart laugh a little bit...
silversolitaire: (Default)
...this terrible feeling. So dark and tormenting. When it comes up your throat, like vomit, bitter and corrosive, in dark gushes, all over your body. It's a sickness that won't wane. You feel okay for a moment and then something makes you sick again and it comes all up again and you puke your soul out on the floor and it mingles with your tears and blood and people turn away from you, disgusted and disappointed, because they can't bear the sight. And you end up in a puddle of your own pain and it slowly dissolves your skin, your flesh, but not your heart. That stays and hurts and beats in your chest, so loud that you can't hear your own thoughts and you want to cry out in pain, but something is pressing down on your throat and pushes you back into the thick, sticky slime and you're sinking down... slowly... no longer a part of yourself... but not dead either....
silversolitaire: (angry)
I want to do it again. I thought I was over it. Well, stupid thought. I guess 2 days was more than enough. Why should I have felt happy and easy for longer? Sure... So it's all there again. I'm bothered and angry, annoyed at people and at life. When they dare to talk to me I want to yell at them. I want my brother to go. Now. I feel worthless, excluded, useless, dispensable. I'm not unique to anybody, or special. I'm just someone. Or rather... nobody. I feel nothing and yet there is pain. I'm tired of it all again. I might just do it. Or not. I want to cause pain, in myself or somebody else. What matters it after all.

I've decided that I will not continue several pieces that I have started to write. They are useless as well. And I'm glad that I didn't do certain things I had planned to for today. What a fool I am...

I hate feeling like this. I'll never be special. How strange that is... life... just a fleeting taste of something I don't understand. I can't control my feelings and this tortures me too. They shall all go away. Everyone of them. It's over... I'm done. I hate people, I hate human relations, I hate it how they make me feel worthless and dispensable. I just wanted to be special... that's all I wanted...

It's too late for that.
silversolitaire: (Default)
My heart was full of pain and I thought I was dying without even doing something for it. I never thought that this kind of pain was possible and now I'm scared that it will happen again. And somewhere between then and now my brain flew out of the window and I lost my capability to form a clear thought. I'm feeling disembodied and I guess that's a good thing now.

I'm thinking about the time when the future was still a wide and sunny road. I used to think there was a destination somewhere behind that bend of the road. I didn't really know how I would get there, but I would eventually and then I'd be happy that I went all the way. But now... now I'm too tired to move on. The sun went away and the road is muddy and I can hardly move. I no longer see where I'm going. But I'm still moving on, but not where I want to go...

A vacation sounds like a good thing now. Going away. Leaving it all behind. But that's the one thing I can't do. Next week I'll be back to school and I will have to lead a responsible life again. I'll be on my own, I'll have to cook my own food and drag myself out of bed every day...

I realize with a painful intensity that I've got no aim at all. I'm doing nothing to achieve what I want to. All my peers, they do practical training during term breaks, they take jobs that will bring them further. And what am I doing? Nothing. I haven't even chosen my new classes yet. I don't know what to do. I'm so empty. I want to... I don't know what I want. Something else.

I'm blaming my depressions. Or am I just lazy? Why can't I think further ahead than a week? It's impossible for me. And on my way of finding myself I'm losing my future. I'm getting old. I'm still clinging to childhood dreams and with every day that passes they become more and more impossible. When I was 15, it all seemed so bright. I wanted to go to Florida, to UCF. I wanted to learn animation and I would have been brilliant and they'd taken me at Disney. I would have done my own comics, I would have been a writer, too... it all was so bright. How did it happen that I lost it?

I was born in the wrong country and in the wrong body.

And in the end... it's my own fault. I should have the strength to find a way out of this, but I don't. I'm drowning in self-pity and I know it...
silversolitaire: (Default)
It's terrible when your body is full of pain and there is no escape.

The sick sad thing about this LJ is that friends no longer feel the need to keep contact with you because they can stay up to date with one look at this thing and move on. Provided they care at all. But... what about the warmth? What about their life? They don't tell you that and so you're just getting more lonely with it.

I've never fully understood what happened when friends suddenly stop talking to you. Have you become boring? Did you tell them too much and now they feel that they don't want you as a friend? Did they see how terrible it is inside of you and chose that you're not the kind of person to put up with? What is it...

In the end I can see it. It all makes sense. I'm a terrible person, I know that. I can't control my sadness and I pull down everybody around me. It's just a matter of time that they grow tired of me. There was a time when I used to be interesting, but that's long gone. I'm losing my strength.

So, the solution is simple - don't tell anyone. Be happy, be bright, or they'll leave you. But this requires strength which I don't have. Holden Caulfield was right: ""Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." Never has it been more true. You'll miss everybody, because they'll turn away from you.
silversolitaire: (Default)
It's so difficult to find an exit out of such a low mood as I was in. Everything I want to say seems so inappropriate. I feel like I no longer have the right to be happy. Isn't that just silly? I basically spent yesterday in a... I don't know. A feeling of numbness. Not really thinking anything at all. Guess that's a good thing. I wanted to write an entry a couple of times, but it just felt inappropriate. What do you write a day after you seriously thought about doing something completely stupid? I don't know...

I'm still feeling rather detached. Like... this is not me. Every bottle I pass I check the label if it's got the little skull on it. When I had the Liquid Plummer in my hand, I didn't really think what it would do. I didn't see the connections. All I saw in that moment was that it would be a good thing to drink this. What's happening to me... when I can no longer trust my brain to make the correct decisions, what's left then?

And the sadness is still there, the angst and melancholy. I feel left out, no matter what I do. I see how friends go on with their lives, how they don't need me, how they made it whereas I failed... and it makes me want to scream. I want them to tell me that they need me and that they want to be strong with me, but they never do... I feel so useless...
silversolitaire: (Default)
just sat in front of the closet for 30 mins. inspecting the bottles for their most poisonous contents. found liquid plummer. stared at it for a while. tried to open it. failed, too stupid to open the cap. while trying thought "what are you doing?!?". got it open, sniffed it, thought some more, suddenly loud noise, yanked me out of my mood. good thing. when will be next time 'm scared... cold...

wanna curl up in bed now... to die... to sleep... perchance to dream...
silversolitaire: (Default)
The terrifying thing about death is the mold. Yes... the mold. I don't want mold on my body when I'm dead. And worms. Worms are terrible. I've once seen a dead body covered with mold. It was terrible. So disgusting... mold... the most terrible thing there must be. Can one make sure that this doesn't happen? I wonder... You could be cremated of course, but somehow I find this terrifying too. There's a lack of options for dead bodies. Embalming would keep of mold and worms, I'm sure, but nobody does this nowadays. And even if they did, could you make sure the your family respects your wishes?

This reminds me, I need to update my will...
silversolitaire: (Default)


File not found, Error 404.


"The requested document is totally fake. No /404 here. Even tried multi. Nothing helped.

I'm really depressed about this. You see, I'm just a web server... -- here I am, brain the size of the universe, trying to serve you a simple web page, and then it doesn't even exist! Where does that leave me?!

I mean, I don't even know you. How should I know what you wanted from me? You honestly think I can *guess* what someone I don't even *know* wants to find here?

*sigh*

Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry. And then where would we be, I ask you? It's not pretty when a web server cries. And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway? Just because I'm a web server, and possibly a manic depressive one at that? Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do? Huh?

I'm so depressed... I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose. I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway? What kind of a life is that? Two effing weeks, and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release, that thinks it's God's gift to web servers, just because it doesn't have some tiddly little security hole with its HTTP POST implementation, or something.

I'm really sorry to burden you with all this, I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems, and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you. But I couldn't get this one. I'm so sorry.

Believe me! Maybe I could interest you in another page? There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say, although none of them were put on *my* server, of course. Figures, huh? Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.

That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them, all day and all night long. Two weeks of information overload, and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash. What kind of a life is that? Now, please let me sulk alone. I'm so depressed."
silversolitaire: (Default)

While I was driving home from work today, I had the weirdest thoughts. Like I always do when I can't do anything but stare for an hour. I either get increasingly tired or my mind starts to race. Thank God the latter happened today. While driving to work this morning (at 6:30, mind you) I had so many ideas for this book that's been haunting my brain for years now. And much to my own surprise it turned out to be so much different from what I thought it would. My initial idea was something gloomy, darkly romantic. And now it even got funny in a way. That's too weird. But I was so full of ideas, I had to write it down at once. I love it when that happens.

And then, when driving back from work, my thoughts got increasingly sinister. I saw my own blood today. In a very natural way, actually. But it had the same effect on me as always. I just love my skin, so white, and then these ruby red trickles as a contrast... it's bewitching. I immediately knew again why this is the only way to keep me calm when my depressions won't let me rest. I wonder... is it normal to have these desires?

I realized today that I'm in constant danger of dying. Because it could happen to me that I was just bleeding to death without meaning to. I can see myself, sitting in a chair, my arm dangling down the side, a large gash on it and blood dripping from it, down on the floor. It's such a beautiful image. I can feel the peacefulness of this moment, the sweet joy... how it would tickle and tingle, burning so sweetly... even now I want to do it. But I'm not suicidal at all! I don't want to die, I see no reason to. Still... I just might not be able to resist the... sweeter taste of pain anymore one day.

I will have to make sure to add this paragraph to my will: "Should I have died like that, believe me, I didn't mean to. I wasn't looking for death... I just couldn't resist the sweetness any longer."

I am afraid of my self-destruction sometimes. I was speeding again today and while I did it suddenly so many moments of my car crash came back to my memory. Now I remember how the car started to slide, the screaming of the tires. That I remember. I remember how the metal howled when it bended and the shattering of the glass. When I watched Mission: Impossible 2 I got so sick at the realistic sounds. Now I know why... But I am still missing the essential 30 seconds. Those will never come back, I'm sure. At least I know now what I did right after I came to myself, dangling in the security belts down the roof of my car. I turned off the radio! It was still working and it was so loud! It was Rage against the Machine - Know your Enemy. I never listened to this song again and this is almost six months ago now.

I wonder if I'm trying to force something... speeding that way. Why did I do that?

One thing I really regret about this car crash is that I didn't get any scars. Really. I would have wanted that. A constant reminder of it. I know the story of every single scar on my body. It's my diary. If I had gotten just one scar, to keep the memory for ever... but I didn't cut anything, despite dropping on the shattered sunshine roof... I really regret that a lot...

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silversolitaire

February 2009

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