Apr. 19th, 2008

silversolitaire: (hehehe)
Today while I was dicking around instead of reading texts for my thesis, my eyes brushed past this book I managed to obtain several years back, written by the mayor of Munich. He's a very witty and funny man and he's also an avid cat owner and wrote quite a few humorous stories on the subject. I found this one particularly amusing, so I've translated it for your enjoyment!

I'm not that good with official politician talk, so if you notice anything that could be improved, lemme know!

Cats in the Bed

by Christian Ude
translated by [livejournal.com profile] silversolitaire

When I was encouraged to seriously consider a career in politics, I timidly asked myself whether I'd be assertive enough to be up to the task. After all, day after day I wake up doubting my own assertiveness as it is the same thing every morning: the cats are lounging at the foot of my bed once again despite the fact that I've strictly forbidden them to do so.

How was I supposed to assert myself against powerful political adversaries, the perils of administration and the opposition amongst my own people when I'm not even able to manage it with my own cats?

I found comfort in observing my future colleagues: it isn't really that important to actually achieve anything, you just have to find impressive words for failing to do so!

Ever since, the cats at the foot of my bed aren't a problem anymore. As a local politician, I simply announce:

"I have issued a strict order to ban all cats from entering the bed and lounging at the foot of it on pain of civil penalties. The resolution position couldn't be any better. Unfortunately we're facing minor completion deficits which aren't likely to be resolved any time soon considering the current staff situation."

As a politician involved in energy policy I can even score big time with cats in the bed:

"Our course is clear: cats out of the bed. We want an exit of cats, without ifs and buts – but not right away! We need a short-, intermediate- and long-term exit strategy. For the short term, the cats will remain in the bed, for the intermediate term, we're not really sure yet, but for the long term, we'll switch to guinea pigs."

Famous politicians have taught me how your entire party can benefit from cats in the bed:

"My cats and I, we have managed to converge through patience and perseverance to prove ourselves as good neighbors internally as well as to the outside. We have reached a feasible and neighborly arrangement regarding the usage of the foot of the bed, and I rush to add: that we have opposing interpretations in regards to this arrangement is exactly what makes our democracy such a great and vivid process!"

Lastly, I have learnt a thing or two from our government about how you can cover up your own neglects in coping with problems, especially regarding the placement of unpleasant guests and how you can turn it into a constitutional debate:

"Well, look at that! How cat-degrading the housing arrangement for these two is and how much of a hassle they are for us as well! It can't go on like this! Ladies and gentlemen, THE BED IS FULL! Obviously we must consider a new amendment!"


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